I Miss My Ex

I see him occasionally and I hear from him a few times a week but I miss him. I miss the way he used to look at me when we were in love. I miss the way he always touched me and smiled at me. I miss the fact that he used to send me messages every morning telling me good morning beautiful. I miss the him saying goodnight every night. I know we are both busy and all that attention to detail would be hard for both of us but there is a part of me that misses it. I guess more than anything I miss spending time with him. I haven’t seen him in over two weeks. Sometimes it feels like casual dating is really not working for me. I want more than he can give me. I will eventually have to walk away in order to get what I need. It is hard to walk away from someone you love though. I miss him all the time right now so I can’t even imagine how much I would miss him if we didn’t see each other or talk anymore.

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My Day

  • I woke up at 7:30
  • I went for a 2 mile walk around 8 am
  • I went to Honey’s Donuts to get breakfast
  • I woke up my kids for breakfast
  • I watched TV for about a half hour
  • I took a shower
  • I got dressed
  • I left the house to take my daughter to get her haircut
  • We arrived early and we went by the Halloween Store
  • My daughter got her hair cut
  • We went back to the Halloween Store and bought stuff for our costumes
  • We drove back home to get my son
  • We went out to lunch
  • We came back home
  • I started watching “The Handmaid’s Tale”
  • I cooked dinner
  • I continued to watch “The Handmaid’s Tale”
  • I got ready for bed
  • Now I am writing this blog

Excitement

I am really excited about the fact that my son is the only freshman that has been cast in the high school play this fall. The play is only two weeks away and I am so looking forward to watching my son perform on stage. The play is supposed to be really funny so it should be really interesting. My son has been so motivated at school thanks to the play. It is always such an amazing thing to see your children succeed.

5 Blessings

I have a had time grasping the concept of blessings so I am going to focus on five things that I am very thankful for in my life.

  1. I am thankful for my incredible children and the amazing relationship that I have with them.
  2. I am thankful for my mother and all the support she has given me my whole life. Without my mom, I wouldn’t be the person I am today.
  3. I am thankful for my strength and determination because without it I think I would probably have given up multiple times.
  4. I am so very thankful for my education and the ability to be able to share that education with my students on a daily basis.
  5. I am thankful to have grown up at a time where technology wasn’t so prevalent so that I understand and respect the need to communicate properly.

What If

I don’t really like to engage in the “what if” game because honestly there is no peace in it. I do have one decision that I made as a young adult of 20 that I have always wondered about. I was living with my first love and he wanted to give me a promise ring. We had already even planned out what day we were going to get married. The problem with the whole thing is that we were too young. We were very much in love but I just wasn’t ready to have my whole life planned out for me. I felt like I still need to live and experience new things. I still wanted to meet new people. As much as I loved him, and had loved him for six years, I walked away. I knew in my heart that once I walked away that was it for us. After six years we both went our separate ways. I ended up getting married at 23 and he waited a bit longer. We both ended up divorced and we found each other again in 2007. At the time I was going through a divorce and he was about to get married again. We formed a close friendship and we have tried to stay close since then with a few bumps in the road here or there. Of course in the back of my mind I have always wondered what if I hadn’t walked away? What if we would have gotten married when we planned on it? Would my life be different now? I will never know!!!

Strong Opinions

I have always had extremely strong opinions. One of the reasons that I left my last church is because someone hurt my daughter. I really liked my old church but the people there were really judgmental. I absolutely can’t stand judgmental people. I have never understood why people judge others. Life is to short to spend it with people who are going to judge you. I spent three years in that church being judged all the time.  I felt like I was living in a fish bowl most of the time. Leaving the church was good for me in regards to my mental stability but I have struggled with my faith ever since. I am having a hard time with my faith knowing that people of faith are the ones that hurt my daughter. My daughter has been struggling with her sexuality for several years and I have tried to support her. My former church wasn’t able to do that which is a huge disappointment. I know that the bible says that homosexuality is wrong but I also know it’s not our place to judge other people. God says we are supposed to love everyone not just the people that have the same opinions as you. My former church is full of judgmental assholes and I worry my daughter will struggle with her faith after dealing with them because I know I have.

Fear

I just got back from my second walk of the day. As I was walking just now I started bleeding unexpectedly. I shouldn’t be bleeding because I have been off my period for over a week. I haven’t ever done anything like that before. I had my tubes tied over fourteen years ago when my son was born. Now I am worried about what could have caused this strange bleeding. I probably need to get checked out by a doctor but I don’t even have an ob/gyn anymore. Honestly my first thought was that maybe I had been pregnant and didn’t know it. I wouldn’t normally think that but since my ex has six children I know he is extremely fertile. He’s the only person I have been with in the last two  months. Hopefully it will stop and I will just chalk it up to a fluke thing.

Breaking the Rules

I knew that when I decided to get casually involved with my ex that there were rules. He never specified but I just knew based on his actions and expectations when things began. In the beginning I was okay with all the rules but as time has gone by I have become less okay with the rules. I didn’t say anything to him because I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do about it. Last night I was really frustrated because I wanted to see him and I couldn’t as usual. I went out drinking with my best friend. When I got back home last night I sent him a text. I basically poured my heart out in the text essentially breaking the unstated rules. I have yet to hear from him since I sent the text. As much as it saddens me, I don’t expect to hear from him ever again. I guess I knew things weren’t meant to last forever but I never expected it to end like this. I guess it is truly time to move on from the past.