Baseball with my boy

So for the first time ever I purchased a 20 game plan to go to Rangers game this year with my son. He hasn’t been able to go with me to every game but we have had a lot of fun.  It has been awesome to be able to bond with my son over a shared activity.

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This picture was taken on opening day. I’m not sure why my son had to be so stubborn but at least I have a picture of him covering his face.  For some reason, he has a problem with pictures these days. He honestly doesn’t understand why I like to take so many pictures. This is the first time either one of us has been to an opening day game.  It also just happen to occur the day after his birthday.

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This picture was taken at our first Sunday afternoon game. This happened to be my fourth game out of our tickets but it was only my son’s second game. He at least let me take a picture at this game.

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My son was totally not in the mood to go to this game and he complained the whole way there before he fell asleep in the car.  The ironic thing is that he actually had a really good time.  We got him his first Rangers’ hat that night and he got to get his picture taken with the Captain.

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This was the best day.  My son and I played hooky in order to go to this game.  We had a lot of fun but we also discovered that 1 pm games are really hot.

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Unfortunately this will be the last game my son gets to attend until August because of visitation with his dad this summer.  I have been so thankful for all these amazing hours with my son. I’m not sure if we will ever buy tickets again in the future but I do know that we have really enjoyed all the time together this year. I am so lucky to call this boy my son. I will miss having his company at the games over the next couple of months.

Growing Up

So today my kids and I attended a graduation party for a family friend.  Tomorrow she will graduate from high school with 128 of my students from this year. It is hard to believe that I have finished yet another year as a teacher.  It is also crazy that I will go to another graduation and watch my students start out into the world. After nine years of teaching it seems that I have seen a lot of kids go through my classroom. I know that as I continue to teach I will see even more students pass through my classroom. In another couple of years I will be watching my own daughter graduate. Life is short and I have to continue to move forward.

My Relationship Is Over

It’s funny because I honestly would have thought that I would be more upset after five months. I guess maybe I am still a bit numb. I knew things between us weren’t perfect and I knew we had a lot of obstacles to overcome but I guess I expected us to be stronger. I know that I will bounce back and I also know that my life isn’t over but I do miss him. It is hard to be away from someone that you are used to seeing on a regular basis and talking to every day. I am lucky though because I have my kids.  School is almost out for me and I will be able to focus on my kids and myself over the next couple of months.  Life is short and I refuse to wallow in sorrow but I am a bit sad. I haven’t taken off the necklace he gave me yet because I am just not ready but I know that I will soon.

Exploring Myself

My ex and I broke up over 3 years ago and since then I have changed in a number of ways.  I’ve gotten additional tattoos and I even got a piercing. I have even explored my wants and desires sexually. I have discovered that there are many things I would like to experience. I guess I’m lucky in a lot of ways because my boyfriend is very open-minded about sex. He has even suggested some things to me that I hadn’t previously considered an option. At 42, I feel like maybe I should have experimented more when I was younger but I really didn’t have an opportunity. I was always in extremely restricted relationships. I haven’t really been with that many men that have been open-minded about sex. I have come to realize that I know very little about what turns me on. I have also started watching a variety of porn. I have even watched Hentai. I would never have thought that I would like anime porn but it’s actually pretty cool. I love the fact that I can talk about anything with my boyfriend. He never judges me and he usually up for anything I want to try. In some ways he has more experience than I do but in other ways I do. Our sexual chemistry is pretty intense and it hasn’t waned even after five months having sex. I don’t know if the relationship is meant to last but I know it appears to be exactly what I need to explore my own desires and needs when it comes to sex. A huge part of me hopes that we can make it work long term. I love the way he makes me feel emotionally and sexually. We have been through so much already but I still think we can grow together. I have a lot of responsibilities over the next couple of years but I think he is the type of man I can share them with. He understands what it means to be a parent and he respects the relationship I have with my kids. Life is short and my most important focus is to enjoy as much time as I can with my kids over the next four years.

Questions About Sex

Is it possible for sex to take over a relationship? Is it possible to be too horny? Is it bad to want sex all the time? I have always been the type of person that went through moods when it came to sex.  Sometimes I couldn’t get enough and other times I wasn’t all that interested.  I will be honest, from the time I got on the plane to go to Bolivia until the time I started dating my current boyfriend I wasn’t that interested in sex. I only had it a couple of times and it was just chance that I had sex those times. My current boyfriend and I had sex pretty early in our relationship but that was never what the relationship was about. I honestly fell in love with him with my whole heart. I thought we were both feeling the same way.  Now we still connect on other things but I’m starting to feel like we are too focused on sex. We had such a great night a little over a week ago but it was very sexual. We both love sex and we are both fairly adventurous when it comes to sex.  The sex between us is amazing but I’m worried we are losing some of our emotional connection. I still love him deeply but I’m so afraid that he’s pulling away emotionally.  I’m not sure whether we are falling apart or that I’m being entirely too sensitive. I have experienced a lot of heartache over the last few years and that definitely makes me more apprehensive in my current situation. He was supposed to come and see me last Sunday but work went late and he didn’t come over. I know he wanted me though because he said he wished I could come to him. I hate this distance between us. He works all the time and although I respect that in him I wish I could spend more time with him. I honestly don’t remember the last time I have yearned for someone the way I yearn for him. I worry that I’m entirely too attached to him. I just really hope that I’m not on the road to another heartbreak. I honestly deserve some happiness after the last  few years. I don’t expect perfection but some legitimate happiness would be wonderful.

Changes

The honeymoon is definitely over in our relationship. I wouldn’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing but it does change one’s perspective. I see his faults for what they are and I also realize that our situation is not easy. We have eight children between the two of us and we live forty-five minutes away from each other. In addition to all of that he owns his own business and he works all the time. The end of March and the beginning of April were difficult because we barely saw each other. Lately that’s gotten better though. Although I guess you could say I am still apprehensive because I feel like things are changing in other ways too. He is so preoccupied lately with his job. I asked him if we were okay and he said that he thinks so. He told me that he always gets really busy this time of year and so he focuses on his business. I want to believe that everything is okay because I really love him but deep down I have a nagging sense of uneasiness. I’m trying really hard to have faith but with everything that has happened in the past it is really hard. I know I can’t live in my past and I also can’t keep making him pay for my past. I think the fact that work has been so stressful lately isn’t helping our situation. I will really be glad when the school year is over. I’m not sure my relationship is going to survive but I refuse to sabotage it by stressing constantly. We still make plans for the future and he’s still extremely affectionate when we’re together. I just hope that we can continue to make things work between us despite our many obstacles.

13 Reasons Why

Recently Netflix released an original series titled “13 Reasons Why” and there has been all sorts of buzz about it ever since. I actually read the book the series is based on years ago and after watching the show I read the book again. I have read so many posts from educators about the dangers of this show.  Personally I think they are missing the point.  High school sucks and it has always sucked but with the advancement in technology it has gotten so much worse. Rumors can be spread over social networks now instead of just by people in person.  The anonymity that the Internet gives individuals has caused so much more drastic threats and bullying to occur. My old school district used to have a week dedicated to anti-bullying issues every year in November.  We had speakers that came and talked to the students and we did all sorts of activities designed to make them think about their online behavior. My current school district doesn’t do these types of things and I can definitely see the difference.  Teenagers are so susceptible to bullying through social media. As a teacher and a parent I think the issues raised in “13 Reasons Why” are important. So many parents don’t know their kids so they have no idea how their kids feel about anything. I’m not a perfect parent but I do try and know my kids, not just as my children but also as people. I try really hard to keep up with their friends, talk to them about stuff that is going on and above all pay attention.  Kids will never tell their parents everything but I think it is so important to do your best to stay an active participant in your kids’ lives. My daughter suffers from anxiety and luckily she talks to me about all sorts of things because we are really close. I’m honestly not sure how people survive not knowing what is going on with their kids. I think Netflix did a good releasing this show.  I know it deals with difficult subject matter but honestly we can’t put our heads in the sand. We can’t pretend that our children aren’t ever going to contemplate suicide as teenagers.  We have to beware of the signs and not get so wrapped up in our own lives that we miss something important. I remember contemplating suicide as a teenager when my parents were separated and I felt like my whole life was falling apart. I was lucky because I had amazing friends that were paying attention and they got me through an extremely difficult time in my life. We can’t always assume that our children are going to have that same type of support system within their friends so we have to be advocates for them. We have to make sure they never feel like they are in anything by themselves.

16 Years

So 16 years ago today I became a mother when my daughter was born.  I was 26 years old and I had been married for almost 3 years. I’ll be honest when I married my first husband I’m not sure I was really in love with him.  I cared about him and he made me want a life that I hadn’t wanted previously but I’m not sure I was actually in  love. When my daughter was born was the first time I actually fell in love with another person.  She changed me in ways I never dreamed of. I honestly wouldn’t be a teacher today if it hadn’t been for becoming a mother. I have spent the majority of my time as a mother on my own. I never wanted to be a single parent but that is how things worked out. I have often worried that my children have missed out by not growing up with both their parents but I also know that I am a better person away from their dad. My daughter is my best friend and she has taught me so much about life.  She has such a good heart and a clear head when it comes to others. She has always been one of the most perceptive people I have ever known. My life has changed so much in the last 16 years. My boyfriend actually gives me hope that my future will be full even after my kids have moved on to their respective lives. I only have two more years with my daughter and I plan to make the most of it. I never want her to doubt how important she is to me.IMG-20120428-00011

This is one of my favorite snapshots of my daughter.  She looks very different from this now but I still like to remember her like this too!!

Favorite Child

I honestly never think about which of my children is my favorite. I have favorite students and favorite classes but I wouldn’t say I have a favorite child. Friday night my boyfriend took the kids and I out to dinner. While we were at dinner, we got into this conversation about favorite children. My boyfriend has six and he claims that he hates all his kids equally.  I know that is far from the truth because he is a really good father. Both of my kids claim to know that I not only have a favorite but that my favorite is my son.  It was very interesting that they would say that because I don’t feel that way at all. I love both of my kids so much in different ways. I have the most amazing relationship with my daughter which I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. She is not only my daughter but I would also consider her a friend. I will say that things have never been easy between us but I have always been willing to put in the effort to be close to her. My relationship with my son is different because we are more similar but I wouldn’t say we are as close. My son has always been pretty secretive and it has always bothered me that we aren’t closer. I feel like I love my kids the way they need to be loved. I read an article years ago that says you can never love everyone the same. You have to love your children they way they need to be loved not the way that you want to be loved. My daughter needs more one on one attention because of her anxiety but my son usually just needs to be left alone. Of course there are times that I reach out to both of them for me. Honestly since my first divorce my kids and I have been this unit. I love the closeness I share with them but I worry that when they are gone I will be lost. My boyfriend actually gives me hope that I can be happy in the future. I want to share my life with someone special and still be part of my children’s lives. It has been such a long time since I have really lived my life for me. I became a mother almost 16 years ago and every since then I have been living for these little people in my life that are almost grown. I can hardly believe that my daughter will go away to college in two years and that my son starts high school in the fall. Favorite or not I know that I will be lost when my daughter goes away to college. I still ascertain that I don’t have a favorite because I strongly believe that both my kids are such a blessing.

Week With My Boyfriend

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So last Friday night I drove the 45 minutes to my boyfriend’s house to spend my spring break with him.  I didn’t have to work but he was still going to be working everyday.  He said that if I stayed at his house we would be able to spend some time together. Friday night we went to the movies to see Kong:Skull Island which was actually a pretty good movie. On Saturday he went on a bike ride and then we went to out lunch and got ready for our road trip to Waco.  We went to Waco Saturday night to take his daughter out for her 21st birthday.  We had a lot of fun and I met two more of his kids. I have now met 4 out of the 6 total. Sunday he was feeling really bad so I ended up driving us back to Grapevine. This week has been a whole lot more calm than the weekend. Monday night he cooked for us which is the first time he has ever cooked for me. Tuesday I actually got  a little upset with him for the first time. We went out to dinner that night and talked about it and I felt a lot better. Wednesday I went to visit my mom and then I went back to Grapevine to wait for him to get home.  He didn’t get home from work until after 8:30.  I was a little peeved but I knew it wasn’t his fault. He’s really busy at work right now. Last night we got dressed up and then we went out to dinner. We had a really good night. Now I know that I only have a couple of nights left with him.

The last few weeks I have been a bit concerned because there have been nights that my boyfriend hasn’t really been in as close contact as we were previously. After spending the last week with him, I have come to realize that his schedule really is crazy these days. He comes home and either goes to the gym or goes for a run. He doesn’t eat on a very good schedule and he works pretty late most days. He actually told me that he goes to bed even later when I’m not there because he usually works on his computer pretty late. I have been through so much in the last few years and when our level of contact changed I got worried.  My insecurities came to light to make me think there was a problem when there wasn’t really one. I kept the feeling to myself until last night when I told him what I had been feeling. He assured me that he would tell me if there was something I needed to worry about. I know my insecurities are probably ridiculous because my boyfriend introduces me to his friends when we are out.  He has also introduced me to all but two of his children. He makes plans in the future. He even told me last night about a trip he is planning on taking to Galveston this summer. He told me he would like me to go with him if possible. I was a bit surprised that he would ask me to go with him to Galveston in March when the trip isn’t until July. He always tells me that he wants to build a future with me. I worry about how that’s going to happen with all the responsibilities that we both have to deal with. I know that I really like being in Grapevine because it is so much closer to my mom. When I finally sell my house in a few years I need to make sure that I am closer to her. I will really miss my boyfriend after spending so much time with him this last week. He’s so sweet that no matter how much stuff he has in his hands when he comes home he always kisses me as soon as he gets home. I wonder if it would be like that all the time if we lived together on a daily basis.