Reflecting on the last 17 Years

These pictures don’t represent every year of her 17 years of life but they definitely represent some of my favorite memories.

So 17 years ago I was in a hospital in Dallas in full on labor with my daughter. My labor had started almost 24 hours before and it would still be another four hours before she was finally born on April 24, 2001 at 1:49 am. I honestly had all sorts of things that happened to me during my first pregnancy. I developed the dreaded pregnancy rash about 6 weeks before my daughter was born. Then after I went into labor my daughter went into fetal distress and I ended up having a c-section. After her birth, I was severely anemic and I almost had to have a blood transfusion. After a few weeks I began to fill somewhat normal again but my pregnancy triggered my hypothyroid disorder. It took about a year before they figured out what was wrong with my and by that time I was already pregnant with my son.

I’ll be honest, I created my best friend when I had my daughter. She has brought so much joy and happiness to my life. My daughter only has one more year of school after this year.  I can hardly believe that she is going to be leaving me in a year. I will honestly be lost without her. The last 17 years have gone by so quickly and I can hardly believe it’s almost over. I knew that becoming a mother would change me but I never expected to love someone as much as I love her.

Being a mother is incredible and even though the last 17 years start with my daughter, my son is also a big part of that life.

I love being a mother and I absolutely adore my children!!

 

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I Love You

Three words that when spoken can have so many different meanings. It can mean please don’t leave me. It can mean that I need you. I love you has so many underlying themes and connotations associated with the words. I know in my heart that I love this man!!

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I have known him for almost a year and a half. We were in an actual relationship for only around five months but we have been a regular part of each other’s life for a year and a half. I still love him desperately but I rarely tell him because we are no longer in that kind of situation where it seems right. We have had some amazing conversations in the last few weeks and he even admitted to me that when we are together we are making love. Last night, we were making love and in the middle of it all I told him I loved him. He didn’t respond which is fine but it always makes me wish I had kept it to myself. My kids think he loves me and so does my best friend but he never expresses it to me verbally. The way that he touches me and communicates with me shows me that he cares but I’m honestly not sure if he still loves me.

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We made this picture last night.  We still have so much fun together and we still get along so well.  One day I may walk away from this man and move on with my life but for now it’s just not possible.  I have tried to walk away so many times but we are honestly not done with each other. So as of now all I can say is that I love him.

Sexual Identity

I spent the first thirty years of my life having a very unhealthy view of sex. I was raised by parents that really didn’t communicate with me in a positive and healthy way.  All my mom could focus on was the idea that if I had sex I was going to get pregnant.  She never focused on educating me or even trying to help me be smart about my choices or even my changing body. We came from completely different worlds and my mom couldn’t relate to mine at all because she was already married when she was 18 years-old. I got married at 23 myself after spending almost four years exclusively dating women. I honestly didn’t even like sex very much. Needless to say I never gave myself the opportunity to truly develop my own sexual identity.

At thirty everything changed for me. I had sexual desires that I had never experienced and all of a sudden I was horny and had a need to masturbate. I didn’t know how to deal with my feelings. I was in a marriage where I had little or no relationship with my husband and I had two small children so I was really busy. My husband honestly didn’t understand the changes in me and he judged me for my feelings. I think this situation led to the end of my marriage. After my divorce I went a little crazy because it was the first time I was able to experience sex in a more open and healthy way in my life.

I met what would later become my second husband a couple of months after I left my first husband. My second marriage was very different than the first in that we had a very healthy sexual relationship. I completely trusted him with my body and because of that we experimented quite a bit. I had anal sex with him for the first time and we even experimented with anal beads and nipple clamps. We went to topless bars together and we even had sex in a porn shop one night. The relationship was very exciting for both of us because we had both been in previous relationships where we couldn’t be open about sex. Unfortunately sex seems to be the only thing that really worked in our marriage and after only three and a half years we also got divorced.

I have had a few semi-serious relationships since my divorce that have all led me to my current partner. It took me awhile to really figure out what kind of man I really wanted. For some reason I kept being drawn to men that were semi-controlling and difficult. Men that let little things get the best of them. I finally realized that I didn’t want that kind of man in my life everyday. About a year and a half ago I met a man that is eight years older than me and very different than any man I’ve ever met before. We started a relationship and needless to say I fell helplessly in love with him. He is so different from other men that I have been with. He is an extremely sexual man with lots of experience. I had a threesome with him and his friend. I have had anal sex with him so many times. We have talked about experimenting with other things but time is an issue for us. We are no longer actively involved in a relationship but we still see each other and we still have sex. I still love him even though we aren’t officially together. We don’t just have sex we make love. We have intense, passionate, erotic and amazing sex. He makes me feel things I have never felt before. Now we are talking about experiencing more with anal penetration. I bought a kit yesterday that includes a butt plug and a prostate plug designed for men. I told him all about it and I think he is just as excited as I am.  Honestly I have never met a man that I could be so open and honest with when it comes to sex and just life in general. I completely trust him with my body so I know that whatever we do he will take care of me. It may seem crazy but I can’t wait to see him again so that we can play.

I’m not sure if I am completely aware of my sexual identity but I know that I am much closer to discovering it now than I was thirteen years ago when I turned thirty. I plan to just continue to explore the things that I am interested in while living my life for me.

Relationships

So for almost a year I haven’t been in a relationship of sorts.  I have spent time with people and I’ve had sex with people but I haven’t been in an actual relationship. My ex and I broke up rather suddenly almost a year ago. I was completely devastated at first and I couldn’t even think of being with someone else. After a couple of months we got back in touch rather unexpectedly. Since then we have continued to see each other on a semi-regular basis. I have gone out with other people and I have legitimately tried to move on from my ex.  The problem is that no one gives me the freedom that he does. I still have him in my life but at the same time I can see whoever I want too. He actually wants to know about my experiences with other men.  When he first started asking me about them I was a bit shy and uneasy about telling him.  Eventually I realized that he actually enjoys hearing about it. It probably sounds a bit twisted but it makes me feel incredibly close to him. I would always rather just be with him but the fact that I can talk to him about other men is refreshing. I feel like he is more willing to satisfy my every whim than any other man I have ever been with. Most men either just want to use you or they want to confine you.  I hate being confined by anyone. I feel like my ex and I have the potential of creating a unique situation that could work for the rest of our lives. I feel like I would be happy with him. Aside from my ability to be with other men, he is also more than willing to try anything I want to do. I think it would be really hard to be with anyone else after being with him. I really hope we can try and figure a way to be together in the future.

Job Fair

Well I applied for a new job last night and I got signed up for the Job Fair coming up in a couple of weeks. I got my email confirmation this afternoon telling me that I made the VIP list for the Job Fair which means I get to enter an hour earlier than the public. I am nervous about the idea of going to a job fair but at the same time I’m also excited. I would probably never have gotten my first job had it not been for the one job fair I attended at the time. I actually met my first principal at that job fair. I really hope this job fair gives me the same luck as the first one.  I really need to find a job closer to home so that I can really be there for my daughter next year.  She will be a senior and we will have a lot to do to get her ready for college.  I also need to spend more time with my son because he doesn’t always follow the rules.  I need to keep a closer eye on him.  The job fair is a week from Saturday so I just need to keep thinking positive thoughts.

Job Search

So I started my job search today.  As a teacher, there is only a short window of time that you can find a new job. I have learned a lot from my experiences the last couple of years but it is time to move on. I honestly don’t fit with my current school district.  The people I work with are way to conservative.  I have also never had to deal with so many rude students in my life. So many of the people at my school talk about the fact that we have the best kids but we really don’t have the best kids. The kids I deal with on a daily basis are rude and disrespectful.  They have no concept of rules or accountability. I wonder sometimes who is actually in charge at my school.  It seems like the minute someone gets upset about anything than they can just complain and get things changed to their liking. I would love to be able to teach in an environment where I could actually hold students accountable for deadlines. We are supposed to be preparing students for college but yet we give them chance after chance in high school.  Things started to change when we first started giving trophies to everyone for participation. It seems like every since that happened we started giving students more and more opportunities to make things up.  I want to know what happened to students actually learning. My kids know how to work hard which is something that many students these days have no clue about. Sometimes I feel like I am completely wasting my time every day. I need a new start so that maybe I can get out of the funk that I am currently in!!