Words of Wisdom

Advertisements

Fear

I just got back from my second walk of the day. As I was walking just now I started bleeding unexpectedly. I shouldn’t be bleeding because I have been off my period for over a week. I haven’t ever done anything like that before. I had my tubes tied over fourteen years ago when my son was born. Now I am worried about what could have caused this strange bleeding. I probably need to get checked out by a doctor but I don’t even have an ob/gyn anymore. Honestly my first thought was that maybe I had been pregnant and didn’t know it. I wouldn’t normally think that but since my ex has six children I know he is extremely fertile. He’s the only person I have been with in the last two  months. Hopefully it will stop and I will just chalk it up to a fluke thing.

Breaking the Rules

I knew that when I decided to get casually involved with my ex that there were rules. He never specified but I just knew based on his actions and expectations when things began. In the beginning I was okay with all the rules but as time has gone by I have become less okay with the rules. I didn’t say anything to him because I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do about it. Last night I was really frustrated because I wanted to see him and I couldn’t as usual. I went out drinking with my best friend. When I got back home last night I sent him a text. I basically poured my heart out in the text essentially breaking the unstated rules. I have yet to hear from him since I sent the text. As much as it saddens me, I don’t expect to hear from him ever again. I guess I knew things weren’t meant to last forever but I never expected it to end like this. I guess it is truly time to move on from the past.

My Struggle

I am a fairly confident person and I have been able to accomplish so many things in my life. I work hard and I am really determined to succeed in my life. My biggest struggle has always revolved around relationships. I always get involved with the wrong men. I am independent and many men find that to be intimidating. I really just want to meet someone that I can share my life with. I don’t need to be taken care of but I do want  companionship. I am constantly worried about what is going to happen when my kids are both in college. I am not looking forward to being left alone. I have really enjoyed raising my children but in the last few years I have come to realize that I will be alone once my kids are gone. I am okay by myself but that doesn’t change the fact that I want love and romance in my life. I want to know that there is someone there that I can count on and vice versa. I haven’t ever really thought that not having a husband was a big deal but as I reach the end of my child rearing I realize that I don’t have that support that a husband would give through this next stage of my life. I don’t regret either of my divorces because I don’t think either of those relationships were right for me. I do wish that I had that special person in my life. I will eventually deal with my struggle but right now I’m trying not to wallow in it.

My Top Ten Songs Right Now

  1. What About Us by Pink
  2. One More Light by Linkin Park
  3. Bailando by Enrique Iglesias
  4. I’m a Freak By Enrique Iglesias
  5. Heart Attack by Enrique Iglesias
  6. Blasphemy by Bring Me the Horizon
  7. Cake by the Ocean by DNCE
  8. Galway Girl by Ed Sheeran
  9. Wrong Side of Heaven by Five Finger Death Punch
  10. Lucy by Skillet

5 Ways to Win My Heart

  1. Always be honest no matter what because I can’t stand being lied to.
  2. Never make promises you can’t keep, especially when it comes to the future.
  3. Give me the time and love that I deserve.
  4. Surprise me occasionally because although I always say I don’t like surprises, I secretly love them.
  5. Listen to me when I need to talk because it is really hard for me to open up to people and if you don’t listen than I will shut you out.

Inspiration

My mom has been a huge inspiration for me since I was a small child. She has always been there for me no matter what. As a child she always supported everything that was important to me. As I grew up with my own family she has always been there to help me out when I needed her. She is also one of my best friends. I have been so blessed to have such a great mom that is also my friend. I can’t imagine my life without her and I am so glad that she is in such good health.

IMG_4670

I Never Forgot

When I was 14 I was really struggling because my parents were separated and I was feeling completely lost! I was honestly borderline suicidal and I felt like my life had no purpose! My recent ex-boyfriend and friend told me that at the very least I was put on this earth to teach him how to love!  I have been through so many things in the course of my life but whenever I felt down I thought about his words!  I never totally believed them but I do know they gave me hope when I thought all hope was lost!