Looking Back

Two years ago today my mom had a quadruple bypass.  I don’t remember ever being scared as I was that day. I remember watching my dad and thinking that he looked like he wanted to crawl out of his own skin. He didn’t sleep at all the night before and he was exhausted the day of the surgery. I never even considered then that in less than a year my dad would have two major hospital stays and then pass away.  I remember being so worried that I would lose my mom. Now I only have one parent but most days I wonder about that. My mom has gotten completely wrapped up in another man and now I feel like she doesn’t have any time for me. I want my mom to be happy and I can’t be there all the time but it feels like she has just forgotten about the kids and I. I never realized that I would lose my mom and my dad at the same. I feel completely alone right now. It is so hard to feel like I can’t just pick up the phone and call her. Every time I talk to her I feel like she’s in a hurry to get off the phone. I’m sure I’m being entirely too sensitive but my mom and I have always been so close. I feel so incredibly distant from her. I never thought we would be in this situation two years ago. Life is so strange!

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Observation Overload

Ok so I had to observe multiple colleagues in order to be able to finish the coaching report that I have due on Sunday.  So today I took a personal day from work but I spent the whole day going from teacher to teacher in order to observe a lot of different colleagues.  I visited English 2, AP Chemistry, Inclusion Algebra 1, Business, Marketing & Finance, Algebra 1, US History and a BIM 1 class.  It was actually an amazing day.  I found out that I work with some incredible teachers on my campus. I am actually looking forward to writing my coaching report now because of the observations I was able to make today.

On another note, my ex had a bad day today because he has been called in for a meeting on Monday that will require him to meet with three members of our district curriculum team.  I’m not happy that he has to meet with them or that he’s so upset but I was relieved that he turned to me.  He texted me right after it happen and then forwarded me the email.  I felt like it was a step in the right direction that he would tell me so quickly when something was wrong.  I want him to feel like he can turn to me when he needs me.  I want to be there for him.  I was a little surprised that he gave me the opportunity.  I can’t wait until I can spend time with him again.  I  miss having his arms around me.  I want to sleep next to him.  Tomorrow is another day but at least it is Friday!!

A New Beginning

I have been writing my previous blog for over a year but now I have come to realize that it is time for a change.  I have changed and grown in so many ways over the last year but I know that I can always be a better version of myself.  I survived one of the worst breakups of my life almost a year and a half ago.  I was finally getting used to being happy on my own when my ex came back into my life unexpectedly.

My ex and I had a rather intense eight month relationship that ended rather suddenly.  I never really understood why we broke up and it has haunted me every since.  Now I’m confronted with some extremely confusing feelings because he doesn’t know what he wants from me or even us.  I just want to date him again and see what happens but apparently he’s still not ready to deal with that reality.  It’s pretty sad really because when we are together it feels like we just hit pause so long ago and now we’ve hit play again.  I’m starting to realize that because my last class is so important  I need to put things with my ex on hold for awhile.  I need to focus on what’s important and not what my heart thinks it wants or needs.  I have three priorities in my life right now and that’s school, my kids and my job!! I need to focus and keep my head on straight.  Besides if he really loves me than he should be willing to give me some time to take care of myself.  Only time will tell how things will turn out.