Funerals

So I don’t think anyone enjoys funerals. Tomorrow I have to attend the second funeral of a former student. Life is not supposed to work that way.  I’m not supposed to be attending the funeral of my students. I haven’t really been teaching that many years because I came into my career later in life. A lot of teachers are lucky enough to spend years teaching before they ever have to deal with the untimely death of a student. In a little over eight years I have lost one to racing, one to suicide and now one to cancer. I have had so many wonderful students and I am lucky enough to keep up with them through social media. I watch them get married, have children and even graduate college. I have gone on so many adventures through my students. I honestly can’t imagine doing anything else for a living but today I am sad to be a teacher. I am sad to know that one of my special students lost his battle with cancer. Students are supposed to outlive their teachers just like children are supposed to outlive their parents. I am thankful that I will be able to say goodbye tomorrow with many of my former students but I am also saddened that the world has lost such a special soul. RIP

Bonding with Children

I try and spend as much time as possible with my children. I play video games with them. I take them to sporting events, movies and amusement parks. Of course I enjoy the times where the three of us are hanging out on my bed talking. I love that we can share all about our lives with each other. I know they don’t share everything with me but I am grateful for the time and conversations that I’ve been able to share with my kids. So yesterday my son and daughter helped me finish a puzzle that I had started the night before. I think the best thing about the whole experience is that we were talking and laughing together without any electronics. We were having fun the old fashioned way. It is not always easy to tear my children away from their devices so it was nice to spend a little bit of quality time with them that didn’t require any electronics. I know in five years they will both be away at college and living their own lives. I am just trying to share as much with them as I can over the next five years. My kids are my life and I hope they always know how much I love them.

My Daughter

I think my daughter is gay. She told me a year or two ago that she thought she was bisexual. I know that she has been struggling with her sexuality for a while now but I honestly think she is leaning towards identifying herself as gay. As a mom I have very mixed emotions about this situation. I experimented with my own sexuality when I was in my early twenties but I put it all behind me and got married when I met her father. I am honestly not sure how to help her. I don’t want this life for her because I know how difficult it can be. I lived it for several years myself and I have seen other people go through similar things. She has her first girlfriend as of yesterday. I have met the girl and she is really sweet. I have also met both her parents. I want my daughter to be happy so I will do everything I can to support her even though this whole situation bothers me. My mom handled the situation with me in the worst way possible and it created a rift between us for a long time. I can’t do what my mom did because it would destroy our relationship. She is an amazing girl and I am so proud to be her mother.

Is it Possible?

Is it possible to meet a new man that truly wants to spend his life with me? The kind of man that can be my partner. In the last three years my love life has been on a never ending roller coaster ride. I finally got off that roller coaster a couple of months ago and I have been focusing on me. I ventured into online dating again. I’ll be honest I didn’t really expect to meet anyone special but I thought it would be good for me to get out and meet new people. I started exchanging emails with a few different people and then this one guy caught my interest. We started exchanging these amazing emails. That was three weeks ago. We still haven’t met yet because he is in Italy with a sick father. The things that we have shared make me think he could be the one. It is so difficult for me to trust the situation after everything I have been through over the last three years. I wake up every morning looking for an email or text from this man. He has truly touched my soul with his words. I’m not sure I have ever met a man that was so good with his words. I can’t wait until he returns home so that we can finally meet in real life. It is such an old fashioned way to get to know someone through letters or in our case emails. It is incredible the stories we have shared with each other through these emails. I don’t trust easily but I am willing to give things a chance with this man when he returns. I have to see it through. He may be the one and he may not but the best part of this situation is that I am truly moving on from the past. All aspects of my past. It is definitely time to invest in someone new. I have spent far too much time on my past. Here is the man that I hope will remain in my future!!

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Friends

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This is Maria Eugenia and she is an amazing teacher and someone I hope I will always be able to call friend. I am working with her at San Simon University in Bolivia. Her classes are great and I can’t say enough about her students! This whole experience in Bolivia has been amazing and it has a lot to do with this woman. We get along so well and I honestly feel like I could talk to her about anything. It is so funny because sometimes you meet people and you just click. She is Catholic and I’m protestant but I have found that we can easily talk about our faith. I have had some  amazing things happen to me since I’ve been in Bolivia and I know God is the only one who could have made all these things happen. She told me today that God is blessing me because of what I’m doing in Bolivia. Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m doing that much but I think to these students it means the world to them that I’m here. I could have spent my summer so many ways but I’m so glad I chose to spend it working with students in Bolivia. This has truly been an experience of a lifetime. I think I finally found my calling. I know I have to finish raising my children but once they are grown I think I  would like to do some missionary work. I know I should be able to combine teaching and missionary work together. I’m getting so much more out of this experience than even the students are. My pastor said when you reach out and help others that the gifts you receive are very often greater than the gifts you give.

Realizations

So I have officially accepted the new job and resigned from the old job which is an amazing feeling.  I know I will miss my old students and my former co-workers, especially my ex. It’s crazy but my ex and I have worked together for the last four years. I know that the distance and space will be good for both of us but I will miss running into him in the halls. I’m not leaving church but then again we don’t really talk at church. I’m very excited about the new challenges and opportunities I have before me. I have also realized something else through this experience of mine, I need to take a step back from any and all romantic relationships for awhile. I need to abstain from sex and emotional entanglements so I can focus on what really matters. I need to focus on God, my children and my new job. Romance will definitely still be there when I’m ready for another relationship. In five years both my kids will be out of high school and I don’t want to miss one minute of the time I have left with them.

Father’s Day

So if I was at home I would be surrounded by people talking about Father’s Day. In Bolivia I’m safe because today doesn’t have the same significance here. Today is the second Father’s Day without my dad. I remember spending Father’s Day last year with my ex fiance’s family. I miss my dad a lot but I have learned to have some peace. I know he doesn’t suffer anymore which definitely makes things easier. I spend a lot of time with my host family here in Cochabamba which is actually pretty cool. I miss being at home in one respect but in others it is actually nice to be on my own. I have a couple of really great friends who have kept in close contact with me which has helped a lot. I feel like my life is on the verge of significant change but I have no idea how I will be effected by that change. My ex was on my mind a lot yesterday so I sent him a message. It was the first contact we’ve had in a couple of weeks. It was innocent and friendly and I did it for the right reasons. I would love to say that I don’t still miss him but I would be lying. I don’t think about him all the time like I used to though. I am feeling stronger and depending on the news I get tomorrow it may get that much easier to let go of my ex and the past. I am boycotting Facebook today so I can avoid Father’s Day.  I know it’s silly but that is how I choose to deal with today.

Perception

I find it so interesting how other people think they know so much about you without even knowing you. Working at a high school I see a lot of this every day but I have noticed that it is even worse at church. Going to church is very important to me, but I feel like so many of the people at church judge me based on their own perceptions. I try really hard not to judge people because I don’t feel like that’s my job. God is our true judge and he is the only one that truly has the whole story. I know that I am far from perfect but I’m still not sure why so many people judge me so harshly. It seems like so many people see me as this manipulative person without a heart. I feel like people don’t see the real me at all. I know that I keep a lot of things to myself but I still don’t understand why that would make people think about me the way they do. I refuse to live my life worried about how other people feel about me but it still hurts when I discover that they feelings like that about me. I think part of the problem at church is that my ex said a lot of things that he shouldn’t have during a time a few months after we broke up. He was jealous because I was trying to move on so he trash talked me to other people at church. The crazy thing about the whole situation is that I never did that to him. I still haven’t done that to him. He’s definitely not the man I thought he was when we met and I’m not even sure he is the man I fell in love with. He has become this man that can use someone and then walk away. If that is his true character than I’m not even sure what I saw in him from the beginning. Maybe the problem is just the way he feels about me and not his whole character but I know that the way he treats me sucks. He’s told me that I am important to him and that he will always love me but then he treats me like I don’t matter. I almost let myself fall into the same trap with him again. I wish walking away was easier but unfortunately it is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I still haven’t found out about the new job and I only work four days this week. I don’t know what God’s plan is for me but I sure wish he would show it to me. I need his guidance right now because I feel lost. I am about to embark on a new chapter in my life and I need to leave the old one here. I need to leave the past behind. I need to heal for once and for all. He played a big part in my life but I don’t think it is in the plans for him to stay in my life. He has shown me that in so many ways and I need to listen to my head and not my heart on this one. It is time to let him go. Today is his birthday and I will wish him a happy birthday but then I am not going to contact him anymore. He knows how to reach me if he really wants to communicate. He said he would try to keep up with me while I was in Bolivia but I don’t believe that. I seriously doubt I will hear from him at all. He has plenty of distractions here and I won’t even cross his mind.

Sex

Why does this three letter word cause so much stress and confusion in our daily lives? I am a Christian and I know that God really doesn’t want us having sex outside the bonds of marriage.  I will admit that this is a weakness for me. When I was younger I didn’t really get what made sex so special. I had boyfriends and I had sex but I never really thought it was that great. I even dated women for about three years thinking that sex would be better with them. I enjoyed sex with women but I didn’t like the drama and emotional baggage that came with it. I met my first husband when I was 22. The first time we had sex was also the first time I had been with a man in over two years. I thought I wanted to get married and have a family so that’s what I did. I loved him but I’m honestly not sure I was ever in love with him. We were married for ten years and it wasn’t until I turned thirty that I truly discovered the joys of sex. After our divorce I went a little crazy because I was really interested in sex. I met my second husband and then I finally calmed down.  We got married and constantly experimented when it came to sex. We had sex in a porn shop and we even went to a topless bar together one night.  We always enjoyed each other and we had complete trust with in our relationship. I honestly knew that I could do anything to him. After our divorce I completely changed. I started dating the ex and he went to church and he was really religious. I became a lot more submissive when it came to sex and I never really showed him my true sexual nature. I was always worried about what he would think about me. I always thought he was going to judge me for my actions. I was afraid that he wouldn’t like me the way I really was. When we broke up I changed again. I quit worrying about what people would think of me and I started expressing myself however I wanted to when it came to sex. I definitely have my limits but I have sex on my terms. My ex and I started having sex again last fall and although we don’t have sex all the time we have had sex over several months. I have really shown him a different side of me in the last few months. I have realized that we have similar tastes and I would never have believed that before. I hope I get the opportunity to try out some of my fantasies on him. Life is short and although I know it’s wrong I still want to be with him. I don’t think I have ever wanted anyone as badly as I want him.

Pushing Boundaries

Society has all sorts of boundaries within the bounds of relationships. One of my students asked me today how long I’ve been single.  The question struck me as odd.  I started thinking about it and I realized that even though I haven’t been in a real relationship since last summer that I don’t feel like I’ve been alone. I have dated and I have spent time with my ex. I just haven’t really found the need to be in a real relationship with anyone. I think I have gotten used to being on my own and at this point it would take a very special man to convince me that I need to give up my freedom.

I am about to be traveling to a country where I am going to have to respect the boundaries in an unfamiliar place. I will have to work hard to fit into a new place. I am really looking forward to meeting the new challenges of traveling to a developing country.  I have always been pretty spoiled when it came to my life.  I look forward to being able to test the limits of my comfort while I live in Bolivia. I have wanted to simplify my life for the last couple of years and now  it’s going to happen for at least six weeks.