Realizations

So I have officially accepted the new job and resigned from the old job which is an amazing feeling.  I know I will miss my old students and my former co-workers, especially my ex. It’s crazy but my ex and I have worked together for the last four years. I know that the distance and space will be good for both of us but I will miss running into him in the halls. I’m not leaving church but then again we don’t really talk at church. I’m very excited about the new challenges and opportunities I have before me. I have also realized something else through this experience of mine, I need to take a step back from any and all romantic relationships for awhile. I need to abstain from sex and emotional entanglements so I can focus on what really matters. I need to focus on God, my children and my new job. Romance will definitely still be there when I’m ready for another relationship. In five years both my kids will be out of high school and I don’t want to miss one minute of the time I have left with them.

New Beginnings

So today I was offered a new job.  It is not entirely official yet but I’m so excited about the opportunity. Last year was not a good year in any way shape or form! This job will give me the opportunity to start over with a clean slate. I will no longer be working with my ex. I won’t have to deal with the red-headed tyrant that has been my boss for the last year. I’m actually completely in shock that this whole thing has happened. Less than a week ago I wasn’t even thinking about this job and now today the associate principal offered me the job. Its crazy because this year so far has included all sorts of new experiences. I went to Spain on a trip with educators that I didn’t know for a week. Now I am in Bolivia working in a country where I didn’t know anyone or the language. I never dreamed that this year would bring yet another new experience into my life. I can’t wait to see what else the future has in store for me.

Perception

I find it so interesting how other people think they know so much about you without even knowing you. Working at a high school I see a lot of this every day but I have noticed that it is even worse at church. Going to church is very important to me, but I feel like so many of the people at church judge me based on their own perceptions. I try really hard not to judge people because I don’t feel like that’s my job. God is our true judge and he is the only one that truly has the whole story. I know that I am far from perfect but I’m still not sure why so many people judge me so harshly. It seems like so many people see me as this manipulative person without a heart. I feel like people don’t see the real me at all. I know that I keep a lot of things to myself but I still don’t understand why that would make people think about me the way they do. I refuse to live my life worried about how other people feel about me but it still hurts when I discover that they feelings like that about me. I think part of the problem at church is that my ex said a lot of things that he shouldn’t have during a time a few months after we broke up. He was jealous because I was trying to move on so he trash talked me to other people at church. The crazy thing about the whole situation is that I never did that to him. I still haven’t done that to him. He’s definitely not the man I thought he was when we met and I’m not even sure he is the man I fell in love with. He has become this man that can use someone and then walk away. If that is his true character than I’m not even sure what I saw in him from the beginning. Maybe the problem is just the way he feels about me and not his whole character but I know that the way he treats me sucks. He’s told me that I am important to him and that he will always love me but then he treats me like I don’t matter. I almost let myself fall into the same trap with him again. I wish walking away was easier but unfortunately it is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I still haven’t found out about the new job and I only work four days this week. I don’t know what God’s plan is for me but I sure wish he would show it to me. I need his guidance right now because I feel lost. I am about to embark on a new chapter in my life and I need to leave the old one here. I need to leave the past behind. I need to heal for once and for all. He played a big part in my life but I don’t think it is in the plans for him to stay in my life. He has shown me that in so many ways and I need to listen to my head and not my heart on this one. It is time to let him go. Today is his birthday and I will wish him a happy birthday but then I am not going to contact him anymore. He knows how to reach me if he really wants to communicate. He said he would try to keep up with me while I was in Bolivia but I don’t believe that. I seriously doubt I will hear from him at all. He has plenty of distractions here and I won’t even cross his mind.

Job Security

We all want to believe that we are doing a good job at work.  We all want to be appreciated for what we do.  I had a meeting with my principal today and apparently she is very unhappy with what she is seeing in my classroom.  The funny thing is that she has only been in my room for five minute increments at a time. I have never understood what our principals hope to observe in such short segments of time. I have so many different classes that I teach which makes it difficult to accomplish all the various things she expects to see in our classrooms on a day to day basis. This is has been a difficult year for several of us.  She is basically having all sorts of meetings so that she can tear us all down and make us feel like crap right before we leave for spring break.  You know she even mentioned the fact that my ex and I are always at extra curricular activities.  I thought supporting our students was the right thing to do.  We are told that we need to build relationships with our students but part of doing that involves supporting our students.  I just don’t get it anymore.  I know I am not perfect and I know that I can always learn more and do more for my students.  I’ll be honest though, I haven’t worried about my actual job since my first year of teaching.  Now I feel like I have something to prove to a woman that is never satisfied.  I think it might finally be time to leave the district I have spent eight years of my life in and find a new home. I think it is interesting that she would mention my ex and I in the same sentence when we are not together.  The funny thing is that it was unprofessional of her to mention him to me during our meeting anyway. I refuse to let her crap ruin my trip to Spain over spring break. I need the break and the time away from this awful place for awhile.  One more week and then I am off to Spain!!!!

Professionalism

As a teacher I am held to a higher standard when it comes to morality and behavior.  I have often thought that this concept was a bit outdated because we are all human and no one is perfect.  I have always been especially careful about hugging students or being too close to them.  Every teacher has had a student that they really connect with where the lines might have gotten blurred but they still manage to maintain professionalism because of expectations.  I am relatively close to my yearbook editors this year but I haven’t let it impact my job. I’m sure you are wondering why I would choose to write about this particular topic now.  Today I texted my ex because I was concerned about him.  It turns out he is really struggling right now because he’s been accused of not being professional with his students. The principal actually told him his job is on the line and he’s really worried because he’s happy at our district and doesn’t want to have to find another job.  This is such a hard issue for me because I can honestly see both sides of this situation.  I know that the ex is a great man that would never have an inappropriate relationship with a student. I also know that he is way to casual with students. He is too involved in their activities outside of class which creates a sense of closeness with the kids that probably shouldn’t be there.   He is a man of faith and I tried to remind him that he needs to have faith that God will provide. I think the hardest thing for me is the fact that I have to watch him beat himself up.  He is so hard on himself and I know that this situation will be no different.  It is hard to watch someone you love struggle in life.  I know that there is nothing I can do but be there and listen but I wish I could fix it for him.

Monday

Today was a fairly typical Monday!  It was extremely busy and I felt tired most of the day.  Although on a positive note, I am only 12 days away from a plane ride to Madrid, Spain!  I can’t believe that I am spending spring break in another country!  I am so looking forward to meeting new people and seeing some amazing places.  I started packing tonight and I have come to realize I won’t have a lot of room for souvenirs!  I will have to makes sure that if I buy anything that it is extremely small.
On another note, the new guy hasn’t contacted me in over 24 hours!  I feel kind of bad that I never really had a conversation with him about my feelings but I guess he could just tell.  I have just come to realize that I’m to old to waste my time with someone I’m just not that into!  I will meet the right person when the time is right!  I don’t really need to be involved with anyone when I’m going to be gone most of the summer anyway!

Message

Today in church I heard two very important messages.  The first has to do with the parable of the sower and the seed.  We started Sunday school this morning reading the parable of the sower and the seed.  I have heard the story many times but I got something completely different from the story this morning.  One of the things that our teacher focused on this morning was the fact that Jesus used parables to reach the everyday people that could relate to the situations in the parables.  Another thing he focused on was the fact that Jesus used the parables so that the people that were open to God’s word would get fulfillment from the parables but those that weren’t ready for God’s word would think they had just heard a good story. Another aspect that we focused on was the idea that if we have Christ in our life that our lives should bear fruit.  We have discussed this concept many times before but today I sat in class wondering whether or not my life bears the fruit that it should. I know I am saved and I know that God’s word has an impact on my heart every time I study the bible either in Sunday school or even at home on my own. So I hear his words and I want to live my life the way he intends for me too. My biggest issue is that lately I’ve been feeling a little lost in terms of direction in my life.  I feel like I should leave my ex behind but my heart just won’t let go. I pray for guidance and stength to endure whatever I need to move on with my life. I feel like everytime I start getting in a good place with my feelings, he comes back into my life in a way that prevents me from getting over him.

The second message I received today came from our actual worship service. We were studying Colossians and the pastor was preaching about community and the fact that in order to worship effectively you must be a part of a community.  He referred to the type of people that we are expected to be which is compassionate, kind, humble, meek and patient. The pastor spoke about the difficulty of acheiving these goals within ourselves. The thing that struck me the most is that he emphasized that we should forgive those in our church community just like we were forgiven by Jesus. He preached about peace and joy and the idea that we should be thankful for our community. It is so interesting to me because he also mentioned that when we talk to God we won’t always have joy or be happy.  I can completely relate to what he is saying.  There have been days that I have heard exactly what I needed to go forward in a positive light but there have been just as many times that I have wallked out of chuch with a heavy heart. I have felt guilt or sadness over the words that have touched my soul during church services. I think it is important for us to remember that church isn’t always about things that make you feel good.  God is going to tell you what you need to hear whether you like it or not.  The key is whether or not you are actually listening to his words. I have struggled to hear God’s plan for me lately so this morning was really good for me.

Already Gone

I realized today that my posts have been a bit depressing the last couple of days and I’m done with that. Moving on in life is difficult but it is way past time for me to embrace it.  I have so much in my life to be thankful for and I refuse to let one man take away my joy.  It is definitely time to embrace life and stop living in the past.  I heard the following song tonight when I was out running errands and it reaffirmed my need and desire to leave the past behind.

Already Gone

I have also realized that it is not just that I have to move on but I have to limit my contact with him.  I can’t be friends with him no matter what.  I will have to deal with him in limited doses at work and church but other than that it has to be no contact.  Spain during spring break will be good for me because it will get me completely out of my normal surroundings and environment.  My trip this summer should help me make the final break from the ex so that I can finally get on with my life.  I may have to wait until I get back from Bolivia before I finally meet someone that I am actually ready to date but that may not be such a bad thing.  The extra time will just give me more time to work on myself.  The better version of myself that I can show the world, the more likely I am to meet a decent guy that I can have a real relationship with.

I am Second

I realized today while I was sitting in church that I have been looking at things the wrong way.  I decided to travel to Bolivia while I was sitting in church the first Sunday of the year.  I remembered today that the reason I decided to volunteer in Bolivia was bout giving back and having a new lease on life.  My relationship status has impacted my attitude.  I let my disappointment over the paramedic impact all the other good things I have in my life.  I would still like to have a boyfriend in my life that I can share things with both good and bad but I know that the most important thing in my life is my faith.  I have to remember that God comes first and foremost and everything is second just like the bracelet I wear all the time.  I have to remember that my life is amazing.  I have these two great children that make me proud every day and a great job.  I have been blessed with the ability to achieve an advanced education and the ability to buy a home for my family.

I’m still not sure that I should have asked my ex out but I have decided to put it all in God’s hands.  if we are supposed to go out than God will make sure it happens.  If not, than he will put additional obstacles in our way.  At the very least I want to maintain my friendship with my ex because he knows me really well and he really does help me out a lot.  I will eventually meet the man I am supposed to spend my life with but until then I need to be patient and leave it in God’s hands.  I need to focus on the amazing things I will be able to bring into my classroom through my trip to Spain.  I also need to focus on the return to the basic strategies for learning when I start teaching in Bolivia.  I need to focus on what’s important in my life.  I don’t need to worry about the things I am lacking.  This time I have spent single over the past few months has been really good for me. Maybe God just thinks I need a little more time so that I can focus my energies on him. I felt like for the purposes of this post I would share a picture of my bracelet.  i wear this all the time but I think sometimes it is still necessary to be reminded about its meaning!!!IMG_2652

Living Life to the fullest

I finally understand what it means to live life to the fullest.  I am seizing the day and living my life for me.  I have spent so much time in the past living for my kids or my husbands that I haven’t really lived for me.  I always worried how everything I did was going to impact someone else.  I am finally enjoying being single for the first time in a very long time.  I have finally become comfortable on my own again.  I don’t need a man to do the things i want to do.  I guess I should really think my ex because if it wasn’t for him, I probably wouldn’t have stayed single this long.  I have to admit that I still love him very much and even if I wanted to I couldn’t be with anyone else right now.  He may never figure things out and we may never be together but at least I have had some time for me.  When the time is right than I will be in a relationship again. Right now I am just happy to be me!!