Realizations

So I have officially accepted the new job and resigned from the old job which is an amazing feeling.  I know I will miss my old students and my former co-workers, especially my ex. It’s crazy but my ex and I have worked together for the last four years. I know that the distance and space will be good for both of us but I will miss running into him in the halls. I’m not leaving church but then again we don’t really talk at church. I’m very excited about the new challenges and opportunities I have before me. I have also realized something else through this experience of mine, I need to take a step back from any and all romantic relationships for awhile. I need to abstain from sex and emotional entanglements so I can focus on what really matters. I need to focus on God, my children and my new job. Romance will definitely still be there when I’m ready for another relationship. In five years both my kids will be out of high school and I don’t want to miss one minute of the time I have left with them.

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New Beginnings

So today I was offered a new job.  It is not entirely official yet but I’m so excited about the opportunity. Last year was not a good year in any way shape or form! This job will give me the opportunity to start over with a clean slate. I will no longer be working with my ex. I won’t have to deal with the red-headed tyrant that has been my boss for the last year. I’m actually completely in shock that this whole thing has happened. Less than a week ago I wasn’t even thinking about this job and now today the associate principal offered me the job. Its crazy because this year so far has included all sorts of new experiences. I went to Spain on a trip with educators that I didn’t know for a week. Now I am in Bolivia working in a country where I didn’t know anyone or the language. I never dreamed that this year would bring yet another new experience into my life. I can’t wait to see what else the future has in store for me.

Perception

I find it so interesting how other people think they know so much about you without even knowing you. Working at a high school I see a lot of this every day but I have noticed that it is even worse at church. Going to church is very important to me, but I feel like so many of the people at church judge me based on their own perceptions. I try really hard not to judge people because I don’t feel like that’s my job. God is our true judge and he is the only one that truly has the whole story. I know that I am far from perfect but I’m still not sure why so many people judge me so harshly. It seems like so many people see me as this manipulative person without a heart. I feel like people don’t see the real me at all. I know that I keep a lot of things to myself but I still don’t understand why that would make people think about me the way they do. I refuse to live my life worried about how other people feel about me but it still hurts when I discover that they feelings like that about me. I think part of the problem at church is that my ex said a lot of things that he shouldn’t have during a time a few months after we broke up. He was jealous because I was trying to move on so he trash talked me to other people at church. The crazy thing about the whole situation is that I never did that to him. I still haven’t done that to him. He’s definitely not the man I thought he was when we met and I’m not even sure he is the man I fell in love with. He has become this man that can use someone and then walk away. If that is his true character than I’m not even sure what I saw in him from the beginning. Maybe the problem is just the way he feels about me and not his whole character but I know that the way he treats me sucks. He’s told me that I am important to him and that he will always love me but then he treats me like I don’t matter. I almost let myself fall into the same trap with him again. I wish walking away was easier but unfortunately it is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I still haven’t found out about the new job and I only work four days this week. I don’t know what God’s plan is for me but I sure wish he would show it to me. I need his guidance right now because I feel lost. I am about to embark on a new chapter in my life and I need to leave the old one here. I need to leave the past behind. I need to heal for once and for all. He played a big part in my life but I don’t think it is in the plans for him to stay in my life. He has shown me that in so many ways and I need to listen to my head and not my heart on this one. It is time to let him go. Today is his birthday and I will wish him a happy birthday but then I am not going to contact him anymore. He knows how to reach me if he really wants to communicate. He said he would try to keep up with me while I was in Bolivia but I don’t believe that. I seriously doubt I will hear from him at all. He has plenty of distractions here and I won’t even cross his mind.

Job Security

We all want to believe that we are doing a good job at work.  We all want to be appreciated for what we do.  I had a meeting with my principal today and apparently she is very unhappy with what she is seeing in my classroom.  The funny thing is that she has only been in my room for five minute increments at a time. I have never understood what our principals hope to observe in such short segments of time. I have so many different classes that I teach which makes it difficult to accomplish all the various things she expects to see in our classrooms on a day to day basis. This is has been a difficult year for several of us.  She is basically having all sorts of meetings so that she can tear us all down and make us feel like crap right before we leave for spring break.  You know she even mentioned the fact that my ex and I are always at extra curricular activities.  I thought supporting our students was the right thing to do.  We are told that we need to build relationships with our students but part of doing that involves supporting our students.  I just don’t get it anymore.  I know I am not perfect and I know that I can always learn more and do more for my students.  I’ll be honest though, I haven’t worried about my actual job since my first year of teaching.  Now I feel like I have something to prove to a woman that is never satisfied.  I think it might finally be time to leave the district I have spent eight years of my life in and find a new home. I think it is interesting that she would mention my ex and I in the same sentence when we are not together.  The funny thing is that it was unprofessional of her to mention him to me during our meeting anyway. I refuse to let her crap ruin my trip to Spain over spring break. I need the break and the time away from this awful place for awhile.  One more week and then I am off to Spain!!!!

Professionalism

As a teacher I am held to a higher standard when it comes to morality and behavior.  I have often thought that this concept was a bit outdated because we are all human and no one is perfect.  I have always been especially careful about hugging students or being too close to them.  Every teacher has had a student that they really connect with where the lines might have gotten blurred but they still manage to maintain professionalism because of expectations.  I am relatively close to my yearbook editors this year but I haven’t let it impact my job. I’m sure you are wondering why I would choose to write about this particular topic now.  Today I texted my ex because I was concerned about him.  It turns out he is really struggling right now because he’s been accused of not being professional with his students. The principal actually told him his job is on the line and he’s really worried because he’s happy at our district and doesn’t want to have to find another job.  This is such a hard issue for me because I can honestly see both sides of this situation.  I know that the ex is a great man that would never have an inappropriate relationship with a student. I also know that he is way to casual with students. He is too involved in their activities outside of class which creates a sense of closeness with the kids that probably shouldn’t be there.   He is a man of faith and I tried to remind him that he needs to have faith that God will provide. I think the hardest thing for me is the fact that I have to watch him beat himself up.  He is so hard on himself and I know that this situation will be no different.  It is hard to watch someone you love struggle in life.  I know that there is nothing I can do but be there and listen but I wish I could fix it for him.

Monday

Today was a fairly typical Monday!  It was extremely busy and I felt tired most of the day.  Although on a positive note, I am only 12 days away from a plane ride to Madrid, Spain!  I can’t believe that I am spending spring break in another country!  I am so looking forward to meeting new people and seeing some amazing places.  I started packing tonight and I have come to realize I won’t have a lot of room for souvenirs!  I will have to makes sure that if I buy anything that it is extremely small.
On another note, the new guy hasn’t contacted me in over 24 hours!  I feel kind of bad that I never really had a conversation with him about my feelings but I guess he could just tell.  I have just come to realize that I’m to old to waste my time with someone I’m just not that into!  I will meet the right person when the time is right!  I don’t really need to be involved with anyone when I’m going to be gone most of the summer anyway!