Is it Possible?

Is it possible to meet a new man that truly wants to spend his life with me? The kind of man that can be my partner. In the last three years my love life has been on a never ending roller coaster ride. I finally got off that roller coaster a couple of months ago and I have been focusing on me. I ventured into online dating again. I’ll be honest I didn’t really expect to meet anyone special but I thought it would be good for me to get out and meet new people. I started exchanging emails with a few different people and then this one guy caught my interest. We started exchanging these amazing emails. That was three weeks ago. We still haven’t met yet because he is in Italy with a sick father. The things that we have shared make me think he could be the one. It is so difficult for me to trust the situation after everything I have been through over the last three years. I wake up every morning looking for an email or text from this man. He has truly touched my soul with his words. I’m not sure I have ever met a man that was so good with his words. I can’t wait until he returns home so that we can finally meet in real life. It is such an old fashioned way to get to know someone through letters or in our case emails. It is incredible the stories we have shared with each other through these emails. I don’t trust easily but I am willing to give things a chance with this man when he returns. I have to see it through. He may be the one and he may not but the best part of this situation is that I am truly moving on from the past. All aspects of my past. It is definitely time to invest in someone new. I have spent far too much time on my past. Here is the man that I hope will remain in my future!!

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Perception

I find it so interesting how other people think they know so much about you without even knowing you. Working at a high school I see a lot of this every day but I have noticed that it is even worse at church. Going to church is very important to me, but I feel like so many of the people at church judge me based on their own perceptions. I try really hard not to judge people because I don’t feel like that’s my job. God is our true judge and he is the only one that truly has the whole story. I know that I am far from perfect but I’m still not sure why so many people judge me so harshly. It seems like so many people see me as this manipulative person without a heart. I feel like people don’t see the real me at all. I know that I keep a lot of things to myself but I still don’t understand why that would make people think about me the way they do. I refuse to live my life worried about how other people feel about me but it still hurts when I discover that they feelings like that about me. I think part of the problem at church is that my ex said a lot of things that he shouldn’t have during a time a few months after we broke up. He was jealous because I was trying to move on so he trash talked me to other people at church. The crazy thing about the whole situation is that I never did that to him. I still haven’t done that to him. He’s definitely not the man I thought he was when we met and I’m not even sure he is the man I fell in love with. He has become this man that can use someone and then walk away. If that is his true character than I’m not even sure what I saw in him from the beginning. Maybe the problem is just the way he feels about me and not his whole character but I know that the way he treats me sucks. He’s told me that I am important to him and that he will always love me but then he treats me like I don’t matter. I almost let myself fall into the same trap with him again. I wish walking away was easier but unfortunately it is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I still haven’t found out about the new job and I only work four days this week. I don’t know what God’s plan is for me but I sure wish he would show it to me. I need his guidance right now because I feel lost. I am about to embark on a new chapter in my life and I need to leave the old one here. I need to leave the past behind. I need to heal for once and for all. He played a big part in my life but I don’t think it is in the plans for him to stay in my life. He has shown me that in so many ways and I need to listen to my head and not my heart on this one. It is time to let him go. Today is his birthday and I will wish him a happy birthday but then I am not going to contact him anymore. He knows how to reach me if he really wants to communicate. He said he would try to keep up with me while I was in Bolivia but I don’t believe that. I seriously doubt I will hear from him at all. He has plenty of distractions here and I won’t even cross his mind.

Heavy Heart

So I only have two days until the anniversary of my father’s death.  Today my heart is sad.  Sad for the loss of my father and sad for the loss of the love of my life. I have felt like I would be alone for the rest of my life for some time but now it has become clear that without him I’m not sure I can find my fairy tale.  I never believed my second husband when he used to talk about fairy tale love.  I thought he was ridiculous and immature.  Then I met the ex and my whole world changed. He is the man that caused me to have a before and after.  My life before him was filled with people that I cared about and loved but there really wasn’t any great love.  I didn’t have the kind of love that knocks you off your feet and makes you feel like you’re floating.  My ex made me feel that way.  He made me feel like the most beautiful and amazing person ever.  I completely took him for granted and let all my insecurities tear us apart. He broke me and since then I haven’t been able to put all the pieces back together. I plan to spend some time working on that while I am in Bolivia this summer.  There has to be a worth while after him.  He can’t be the end.  God needs to take away these feelings and let me heal. I derserve to be happy. I don’t necessarily need to be happy with someone else but I deserve the chance to not feel so broken. I want to be whole again. Today I talked to the pastor of my church and I plan to meet with him before I leave so that he can pray with me.  I just really hope that I get the new job because that will make it easier on the ex and I. I think it would be better for both of us if we didn’t see each other all the time. He told me that he would miss me if i left but I still think it would be better for both of us if the new job comes through. I just hope that God agrees that this new job is the best place for me. Life is about changes and I think it is definitely time for some changes in my life.

Beginning Something New

So I went out with the new guy on Friday and it was great.  We spent like ten hours together and I honestly didn’t want the date to end.  He’s a really nice guy and I am looking forward to spending more time with him. We spent time together on Saturday too but it was much more low key. We watched a movie at his apartment. It is scary to let myself get involved with someone new especially after everything that has happened but I know I can keep waiting around for my ex. He actually knows all about my ex and he still didn’t run. I want a fresh start so I’m really hoping things go well with this guy. He may not be the person I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with but at least he seems like he will be good to me.  He wants to see me and spend time with me.  I deserve happiness and maybe I finally have a chance to find it with this new guy.

I haven’t spoken to my ex-fiance in a couple of weeks now.  He hasn’t posted anything new on Facebook and I honestly don’t know if he’s ok or not. I could text his mom and find out but I don’t want to bother her. I know that he is not the most stable so I don’t want to alarm his mom.

Manipulation

Why is it that certain people can manipulate us to do things?  I realized this week that my ex has been manipulating me for quite a while.  Every time I think I am ready to walk away he shows back up in my life.  He will text me when I don’t expect him to or he will poke me on Facebook completely out of the blue.  The sad thing about it is that I fall for it every time.  I want him to want me.  I want to get those texts from him and I want to see him. Someone told me last night that it was about mutual attraction and that was why I hadn’t let go of my ex.  I completely disagree with this statement because I have been attracted to other people.  I have even had sex with other people but it doesn’t change the fact that no one else makes me feel the way he does.  I can’t explain what it is about him that makes me love him so much but I just do.  The last time we were together he asked me why I love him.  I really wish I could put it into words because maybe if I understood why I feel the way I do then I could get over him.  I want to move on and fall in love again but it just seems like I am stuck.  Stuck with feelings that aren’t reciprocated for someone from my past. He is my past but yet he remains in my present and in my heart. Life is strange.  I know that since I have been home from Spain I have felt differently about everything.  I would love to have him in my life but I have come to realize that it is not so important anymore.  I am ok by myself.  I am actually pretty happy on my own.  I am lucky enough to have some great friends and wonderful teenagers to drive me crazy on a daily basis.  He is the only man I have been with for months but I also know that I need to stop this craziness between us.  I have to stop sleeping with him in order to give myself a chance at happiness sometime in the future.  I leave for Bolivia in seventy days so I don’t really have time for a relationship or the drama that goes along with it.  I need to simplify my life and focus on what is good about it and not what I think I am lacking.  I spent most of the day on Friday cleaning the house like a crazy person.  My house still isn’t completely clean but it is so much better than when I started.  I plan to keep working on the house over the next few weeks so that when I leave for Bolivia I won’t have to come home to a filthy house.

What Might Have Been

So as I sat down to write tonight I realized that I was supposed to be married on Saturday. It is really strange when I think about everything that has happened since August when my fiance and I split up. I should never have gotten engaged or agreed to marry him but it is still a loss in my life. He was my best friend  for a year.  He is probably my soulmate, not because I was so in love  with him but more because he knows me better than anyone else ever has before.  He truly understood me inside and out.  He knew how to deal with my changing moods and my incredibly fickle attitude when it comes to intimacy. We loved each other very much but we weren’t right for each other in terms of a relationship. Now I am reminded of the plans we had made!  It seems like another lifetime ago now but yet its right there on the surface!  I leave for Spain on Saturday which is a good  thing because I honestly need to get away from everything and everybody right now!

Unexpected Weekend

Ok so last week really sucked.  We had benchmark testing and an extended day on Friday after school. I went out with my English Department to a bar/restaturant off 7th street.  I was really having a lot of fun with my co-workers, so when one of my pretty good friends mentioned that I should go with her to another bar I agreed. We proceeded to go to the Flying Saucer in downtown. We spent a couple more hours out having fun and hanging out.  We were just about ready to leave when I got a text from my ex. I thought the text was completely out of the blue considering we hadn’t spoken in over a week.  We started talking and he eventually came over and we watched a movie together.  After that we sat up talking for over an hour until he grabbed me and pulled me to him.  I eventually fell asleep in his arms. It was nice because it wasn’t about sex or anything like that.  We just shared an intimacy and togetherness that has always been a part of what makes us special. We laid in bed Saturday morning trying to figure out what we were going to do on Saturday night for the date I thought we weren’t going to have.  Apparently he hadn’t forgot about our date.  We worked out the details and then he left so I could get to my hair appointment on time.  I completely changed my hair so now I have a completely new look.

Here is a look at me after my date on Saturday night!!

 

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Needless to say the ex and I had a great date on Saturday night but I am not counting on anything happening between the two of us.

Then Sunday I had my appointment to finish my tattoo.  We started a little after 11am and I didn’t head home until almost 5pm.  The tattoo took five mintues shy of four hours to finish yesterday.  I wasn’t under the needle the whole day but I swear it felt like it. The last hour was terrible because  by that point every part of my back was irritatied. I have to say that I am so happy with the finished product.  Here it is for all the world to see in it’s glory!!

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Then my day ended with a two and a half hour conversation with a new guy.  It looks like I have a date Wednesday night.  Needless to say my weekend turned out very different than what I expected.

Already Gone

I realized today that my posts have been a bit depressing the last couple of days and I’m done with that. Moving on in life is difficult but it is way past time for me to embrace it.  I have so much in my life to be thankful for and I refuse to let one man take away my joy.  It is definitely time to embrace life and stop living in the past.  I heard the following song tonight when I was out running errands and it reaffirmed my need and desire to leave the past behind.

Already Gone

I have also realized that it is not just that I have to move on but I have to limit my contact with him.  I can’t be friends with him no matter what.  I will have to deal with him in limited doses at work and church but other than that it has to be no contact.  Spain during spring break will be good for me because it will get me completely out of my normal surroundings and environment.  My trip this summer should help me make the final break from the ex so that I can finally get on with my life.  I may have to wait until I get back from Bolivia before I finally meet someone that I am actually ready to date but that may not be such a bad thing.  The extra time will just give me more time to work on myself.  The better version of myself that I can show the world, the more likely I am to meet a decent guy that I can have a real relationship with.

Unanswered Prayers

So I have often wondered about these words because I always hear in church that God will answer prayers in his time not ours.  The part I don’t understand is the prayers that he never answers no matter how much you pray.  I got my heart broken into a million pieces almost two years ago and every since that happened I have prayed that God would take away the pain and help me let go of my ex. Of course the only prayer he answered was the one about the pain.  After awhile I stopped feeling so much pain but the love never went away or even diminished. I thought I was pretty much over the ex last August when I went back to school.  I knew I still loved him but I had stopped thinking about him all the time and I had cut off the majority of my contact with him. Then what does he do?  He comes back into my life with the guise of being worried about me because of the death of my father.  Then he acts like he wants us to try again.  During this time period I started thinking that maybe God had left me feeling this way because we were supposed to be together.  Early last fall the ex went to a Garth Brooks concert with his daugther and he posted a video of the concert with him singing Unanswered Prayers. He has a beautiful voice and I honestly thought it was God’s will bringing us back together.  Obviously I was in some sort of stupor because we never got back together and we are not exactly in a good place at the moment.  The crazy thing is that I have kept praying for resolution or closure when it comes to him but I still haven’t managed to get it. It has been almost two years and I still love him so much.  It is just something about the way it makes me feel to be around him.  When we are together it is like nothing has ever changed between us but then he will just get really cold. I want to move on and get over him completely but I haven’t figured out why God won’t show me the way to do that. I know I will probably never love anyone the way I loved him but I would still like to fall in love again.  I would still like to have a future with someone else.  So I guess I have to just keep waiting on God to answer that prayer.

 

Truth

It always astounds me that people are so quick to lie over just telling the truth.  I know that sometimes you can spare someone’s feelings by lying but you also hurt them more in the long run.  On a whim I asked my ex out a while back.  Our date was supposed to be this Saturday but we haven’t even been talking lately. I seriously contemplated sending him a message earlier asking him if we still have plans or not but now I’m thinking I would be better off to just to let it go.  He and I want different things and it is foolish to believe or even hope that we will ever be on the same page again. We have been broken up for almost two years and I can honestly say he is not the man I thought he was.  When the two of us broke up I had such a complex about sex because he made me feel so guilty about us having sex.  He always blamed me for the sex even though he was the one who initiated it.  In the last few months he has initiated sex everytime we’ve had it. There were several times that I told him that I wasn’t even interested in sex but he still managed to find a way to have sex anyway. I always thought he was such a good man but I am starting to realize that he is just a selfish horny jerk like almost every other guy out there.  He knows how I feel about him but he has managed to use it against me for months.  I refuse to be his option anymore.  I am not option material.  I have a good job, a good education and I’m reasonably attractive.  Parents usually love me and one day I will make someone a good wife again, I hope.  My truth is that I fell in love with the wrong guy twice.  Once when I was going through my divorce from my second husband and once when I was trying to get over my ex. I leave for Spain in less than a month so right now I need to focus on that and nothing else!!!