Is it possible to meet a new man that truly wants to spend his life with me? The kind of man that can be my partner. In the last three years my love life has been on a never ending roller coaster ride. I finally got off that roller coaster a couple of months ago and I have been focusing on me. I ventured into online dating again. I’ll be honest I didn’t really expect to meet anyone special but I thought it would be good for me to get out and meet new people. I started exchanging emails with a few different people and then this one guy caught my interest. We started exchanging these amazing emails. That was three weeks ago. We still haven’t met yet because he is in Italy with a sick father. The things that we have shared make me think he could be the one. It is so difficult for me to trust the situation after everything I have been through over the last three years. I wake up every morning looking for an email or text from this man. He has truly touched my soul with his words. I’m not sure I have ever met a man that was so good with his words. I can’t wait until he returns home so that we can finally meet in real life. It is such an old fashioned way to get to know someone through letters or in our case emails. It is incredible the stories we have shared with each other through these emails. I don’t trust easily but I am willing to give things a chance with this man when he returns. I have to see it through. He may be the one and he may not but the best part of this situation is that I am truly moving on from the past. All aspects of my past. It is definitely time to invest in someone new. I have spent far too much time on my past. Here is the man that I hope will remain in my future!!
I find it so interesting how other people think they know so much about you without even knowing you. Working at a high school I see a lot of this every day but I have noticed that it is even worse at church. Going to church is very important to me, but I feel like so many of the people at church judge me based on their own perceptions. I try really hard not to judge people because I don’t feel like that’s my job. God is our true judge and he is the only one that truly has the whole story. I know that I am far from perfect but I’m still not sure why so many people judge me so harshly. It seems like so many people see me as this manipulative person without a heart. I feel like people don’t see the real me at all. I know that I keep a lot of things to myself but I still don’t understand why that would make people think about me the way they do. I refuse to live my life worried about how other people feel about me but it still hurts when I discover that they feelings like that about me. I think part of the problem at church is that my ex said a lot of things that he shouldn’t have during a time a few months after we broke up. He was jealous because I was trying to move on so he trash talked me to other people at church. The crazy thing about the whole situation is that I never did that to him. I still haven’t done that to him. He’s definitely not the man I thought he was when we met and I’m not even sure he is the man I fell in love with. He has become this man that can use someone and then walk away. If that is his true character than I’m not even sure what I saw in him from the beginning. Maybe the problem is just the way he feels about me and not his whole character but I know that the way he treats me sucks. He’s told me that I am important to him and that he will always love me but then he treats me like I don’t matter. I almost let myself fall into the same trap with him again. I wish walking away was easier but unfortunately it is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I still haven’t found out about the new job and I only work four days this week. I don’t know what God’s plan is for me but I sure wish he would show it to me. I need his guidance right now because I feel lost. I am about to embark on a new chapter in my life and I need to leave the old one here. I need to leave the past behind. I need to heal for once and for all. He played a big part in my life but I don’t think it is in the plans for him to stay in my life. He has shown me that in so many ways and I need to listen to my head and not my heart on this one. It is time to let him go. Today is his birthday and I will wish him a happy birthday but then I am not going to contact him anymore. He knows how to reach me if he really wants to communicate. He said he would try to keep up with me while I was in Bolivia but I don’t believe that. I seriously doubt I will hear from him at all. He has plenty of distractions here and I won’t even cross his mind.
So I only have two days until the anniversary of my father’s death. Today my heart is sad. Sad for the loss of my father and sad for the loss of the love of my life. I have felt like I would be alone for the rest of my life for some time but now it has become clear that without him I’m not sure I can find my fairy tale. I never believed my second husband when he used to talk about fairy tale love. I thought he was ridiculous and immature. Then I met the ex and my whole world changed. He is the man that caused me to have a before and after. My life before him was filled with people that I cared about and loved but there really wasn’t any great love. I didn’t have the kind of love that knocks you off your feet and makes you feel like you’re floating. My ex made me feel that way. He made me feel like the most beautiful and amazing person ever. I completely took him for granted and let all my insecurities tear us apart. He broke me and since then I haven’t been able to put all the pieces back together. I plan to spend some time working on that while I am in Bolivia this summer. There has to be a worth while after him. He can’t be the end. God needs to take away these feelings and let me heal. I derserve to be happy. I don’t necessarily need to be happy with someone else but I deserve the chance to not feel so broken. I want to be whole again. Today I talked to the pastor of my church and I plan to meet with him before I leave so that he can pray with me. I just really hope that I get the new job because that will make it easier on the ex and I. I think it would be better for both of us if we didn’t see each other all the time. He told me that he would miss me if i left but I still think it would be better for both of us if the new job comes through. I just hope that God agrees that this new job is the best place for me. Life is about changes and I think it is definitely time for some changes in my life.
So I went out with the new guy on Friday and it was great. We spent like ten hours together and I honestly didn’t want the date to end. He’s a really nice guy and I am looking forward to spending more time with him. We spent time together on Saturday too but it was much more low key. We watched a movie at his apartment. It is scary to let myself get involved with someone new especially after everything that has happened but I know I can keep waiting around for my ex. He actually knows all about my ex and he still didn’t run. I want a fresh start so I’m really hoping things go well with this guy. He may not be the person I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with but at least he seems like he will be good to me. He wants to see me and spend time with me. I deserve happiness and maybe I finally have a chance to find it with this new guy.
I haven’t spoken to my ex-fiance in a couple of weeks now. He hasn’t posted anything new on Facebook and I honestly don’t know if he’s ok or not. I could text his mom and find out but I don’t want to bother her. I know that he is not the most stable so I don’t want to alarm his mom.
Why is it that certain people can manipulate us to do things? I realized this week that my ex has been manipulating me for quite a while. Every time I think I am ready to walk away he shows back up in my life. He will text me when I don’t expect him to or he will poke me on Facebook completely out of the blue. The sad thing about it is that I fall for it every time. I want him to want me. I want to get those texts from him and I want to see him. Someone told me last night that it was about mutual attraction and that was why I hadn’t let go of my ex. I completely disagree with this statement because I have been attracted to other people. I have even had sex with other people but it doesn’t change the fact that no one else makes me feel the way he does. I can’t explain what it is about him that makes me love him so much but I just do. The last time we were together he asked me why I love him. I really wish I could put it into words because maybe if I understood why I feel the way I do then I could get over him. I want to move on and fall in love again but it just seems like I am stuck. Stuck with feelings that aren’t reciprocated for someone from my past. He is my past but yet he remains in my present and in my heart. Life is strange. I know that since I have been home from Spain I have felt differently about everything. I would love to have him in my life but I have come to realize that it is not so important anymore. I am ok by myself. I am actually pretty happy on my own. I am lucky enough to have some great friends and wonderful teenagers to drive me crazy on a daily basis. He is the only man I have been with for months but I also know that I need to stop this craziness between us. I have to stop sleeping with him in order to give myself a chance at happiness sometime in the future. I leave for Bolivia in seventy days so I don’t really have time for a relationship or the drama that goes along with it. I need to simplify my life and focus on what is good about it and not what I think I am lacking. I spent most of the day on Friday cleaning the house like a crazy person. My house still isn’t completely clean but it is so much better than when I started. I plan to keep working on the house over the next few weeks so that when I leave for Bolivia I won’t have to come home to a filthy house.
So as I sat down to write tonight I realized that I was supposed to be married on Saturday. It is really strange when I think about everything that has happened since August when my fiance and I split up. I should never have gotten engaged or agreed to marry him but it is still a loss in my life. He was my best friend for a year. He is probably my soulmate, not because I was so in love with him but more because he knows me better than anyone else ever has before. He truly understood me inside and out. He knew how to deal with my changing moods and my incredibly fickle attitude when it comes to intimacy. We loved each other very much but we weren’t right for each other in terms of a relationship. Now I am reminded of the plans we had made! It seems like another lifetime ago now but yet its right there on the surface! I leave for Spain on Saturday which is a good thing because I honestly need to get away from everything and everybody right now!