Funerals

So I don’t think anyone enjoys funerals. Tomorrow I have to attend the second funeral of a former student. Life is not supposed to work that way.  I’m not supposed to be attending the funeral of my students. I haven’t really been teaching that many years because I came into my career later in life. A lot of teachers are lucky enough to spend years teaching before they ever have to deal with the untimely death of a student. In a little over eight years I have lost one to racing, one to suicide and now one to cancer. I have had so many wonderful students and I am lucky enough to keep up with them through social media. I watch them get married, have children and even graduate college. I have gone on so many adventures through my students. I honestly can’t imagine doing anything else for a living but today I am sad to be a teacher. I am sad to know that one of my special students lost his battle with cancer. Students are supposed to outlive their teachers just like children are supposed to outlive their parents. I am thankful that I will be able to say goodbye tomorrow with many of my former students but I am also saddened that the world has lost such a special soul. RIP

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Father’s Day

So if I was at home I would be surrounded by people talking about Father’s Day. In Bolivia I’m safe because today doesn’t have the same significance here. Today is the second Father’s Day without my dad. I remember spending Father’s Day last year with my ex fiance’s family. I miss my dad a lot but I have learned to have some peace. I know he doesn’t suffer anymore which definitely makes things easier. I spend a lot of time with my host family here in Cochabamba which is actually pretty cool. I miss being at home in one respect but in others it is actually nice to be on my own. I have a couple of really great friends who have kept in close contact with me which has helped a lot. I feel like my life is on the verge of significant change but I have no idea how I will be effected by that change. My ex was on my mind a lot yesterday so I sent him a message. It was the first contact we’ve had in a couple of weeks. It was innocent and friendly and I did it for the right reasons. I would love to say that I don’t still miss him but I would be lying. I don’t think about him all the time like I used to though. I am feeling stronger and depending on the news I get tomorrow it may get that much easier to let go of my ex and the past. I am boycotting Facebook today so I can avoid Father’s Day.  I know it’s silly but that is how I choose to deal with today.

Heavy Heart

So I only have two days until the anniversary of my father’s death.  Today my heart is sad.  Sad for the loss of my father and sad for the loss of the love of my life. I have felt like I would be alone for the rest of my life for some time but now it has become clear that without him I’m not sure I can find my fairy tale.  I never believed my second husband when he used to talk about fairy tale love.  I thought he was ridiculous and immature.  Then I met the ex and my whole world changed. He is the man that caused me to have a before and after.  My life before him was filled with people that I cared about and loved but there really wasn’t any great love.  I didn’t have the kind of love that knocks you off your feet and makes you feel like you’re floating.  My ex made me feel that way.  He made me feel like the most beautiful and amazing person ever.  I completely took him for granted and let all my insecurities tear us apart. He broke me and since then I haven’t been able to put all the pieces back together. I plan to spend some time working on that while I am in Bolivia this summer.  There has to be a worth while after him.  He can’t be the end.  God needs to take away these feelings and let me heal. I derserve to be happy. I don’t necessarily need to be happy with someone else but I deserve the chance to not feel so broken. I want to be whole again. Today I talked to the pastor of my church and I plan to meet with him before I leave so that he can pray with me.  I just really hope that I get the new job because that will make it easier on the ex and I. I think it would be better for both of us if we didn’t see each other all the time. He told me that he would miss me if i left but I still think it would be better for both of us if the new job comes through. I just hope that God agrees that this new job is the best place for me. Life is about changes and I think it is definitely time for some changes in my life.

Loneliness and Loss

I find myself in such an odd position right now because my mom and I are going through similar circumstances. My mom lost my dad after almost 59 years of marriage and now she’s alone. I have been divorced for two and a half years and I’m alone too. My mom started going to the senior center near her house and she has met a lot of new people.  She has even met a male friend that she has spent some time with.  The problem is that she’s not sure how to deal with being single again after all these years.  She is having such a hard time navigating the ins and outs.  She says she doesn’t want to get married again but she is very lonely.  I try to encourage her but it is difficult because despite the fact that I know how it feels to be single, I can’t even relate to what she’s going through after all those years of marriage.  I feel for her because sometimes she is so sad and lost.  My dad’s birthday is on Sunday which also happens to be Valentine’s Day.  This is the first birthday since my dad passed away.  She told me earlier today that this has been a hard week for her already.  I know how she feels because I will also be alone on Valentine’s Day.  The major difference is that I haven’t been married as long as she was to my dad. It is funny in away because part of me is glad that I don’t have to worry about doing the right thing in a relationship because i never know about Valentine’s Day.  My dad always told my mom that he didn’t have to buy her a valentine because she had one every day of the year.  I guess you could say Valentine’s Day was always about my dad and not about romance.  I have been married twice and neither of my husbands ever really made a big deal about Valentine’s Day either.  My ex treated Valentine’s Day like an afterthought which is apparently how he deals with most gifts.  My kids will be home this weekend which is a good thing but I still feel like my life is completely devoid of romance.  It would be such a nice change to meet someone that was actually romantic.  Life is short and I’m not going to let myself be sad about not having a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day.  I’m more upset about not having my dad on his birthday.

Friendships

When my son was 3 we adopted a Lab/Great Dane puppy that was 6 months old.  He became my son’s best friend almost instantly.  They played together, took naps together and just grew up together.  Now after all this time we had to say goodbye.  My son didn’t want to go with me to the vet today and I guess I can understand that.  He feels things very deeply and doesn’t always want to show his emotions.

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This is one of the many pictures I have of the two of them together.  Chuck loved my little boy so much.  Dogs add so much to our lives and sometimes I think we forget that we don’t add to their lives, we are their lives.  He protected my kids and I through multiple houses.  He knew home was always where we were together.

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My son will always love this dog.  I know that his heart is breaking just like mine but he’s a strong little boy so he will be ok.  Of course I keep calling him a little boy and he’s almost 13.  Life is short we must live everyday as if it’s our last.  RIP Chuck

Goodbyes

Tomorrow I have to say goodbye to one of the sweetest dogs I have ever owned. He is a ten year old Lab/Great Dane mix.  He used to be close to 100 pounds.  I noticed Friday night that he looks like he’s lost so much weight.  He refused to eat most of last week and he barely got off the couch all weekend.  I have known that he wasn’t feeling great for awhile but I have hesitated to do anything permanent. My son is so close to him and I know that he is devastated to think about his friend not being here anymore. My son was three when we adopted Chuck from a shelter.  Shortly after we adopted him he came down with Parvo but he survived.  He was always meant to be our dog.  He has protected my kids and I for the last eight years since my first divorce.  He has always been a gentile giant.  I am so sad to think about saying goodbye to such an amazing member of our family but I need to think about what is best for him.  He deserves to be pain free and not to be so miserable all the time.  I know my other two dogs will miss him a lot but they will be ok.

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Surprises

So today has been pretty bad because I started off the morning at a funeral and then I get a text from the man I’ve been seeing telling me that he doesn’t think things are going to work out between us.  I have asked for an explanation but he just ignores my calls and texts. I won’t contact him after today but I had to at least try and understand what happened when everything seemed to be okay the last time I saw him.

This afternoon I had an urge to text my ex.  It was strange because I wasn’t planning on texting him but out of nowhere I did.  I told him about my tattoo and asked him if he wanted to see a picture.  He said sure and we started talking.  It turns out he was having a really bad day.  I talked to him about his day.  I’m not sure if I helped make him feel better but I was still glad I reached out.  I think it’s important to be there for people when they need you.  I know he has plenty of people in his life that he can talk to but maybe today it was supposed to be me.  I don’t know what compelled me to text him but I just felt the need. God works in mysterious ways and it seems like every time the two of us drift apart we find our way back together. I know that I can’t get back into the same type of relationship we had before but maybe we can be friends at a bit of a distance.

Understanding

I think that I have come to realize that not all men are the same.  The paramedic startled me when he referred to us as a relationship because I’m not used to that anymore.  The ex was always so noncommittal about everything even when we were making plans.  I never knew whether or not he was going to bail on me at the last minute.  The paramedic has a crazy schedule but I think I can believe it when he says he wants to see me and spend time with me.  He actually talks about the future which is a nice change from what I’m used too.  I don’t know whether or not he’s actually my boyfriend or not but I’m ok with that because I know we are communicating about things.  We actually talked about Easter last night which is like two months away.  I told him if he felt comfortable with it that I would make his son an Easter Basket the way I always make them for my kids.  I want his son to actually feel like a woman can care about him since he doesn’t have that with his mom. I think I actually like the idea of being in a relationship again.  It has definitely been awhile since I actually felt like I was involved with anyone.  He is so supportive of my summer plans and he even seems excited for me about my trip to Spain.  It is so nice to be around someone that I feel really supports me continuously and not just when it’s convenient for him.

On another note, one of my longest friends lost her father yesterday.  I feel so horrible for her because she lost her mom almost 15 years ago.  Her dad has been suffering from Alzheimer’s which has been really difficult but I know it was hard for her to lose him completely.  I guess I was really lucky with my dad because he knew me all the way up until the end. I know I have to go to the funeral which means I may not get to see the paramedic this weekend but I know that he will understand because he’s a good guy.

Full of Doubt

So I will admit that I am not the most trusting person when it comes to men. In the last three years I have found out that my husband spent time in a foreign country with his ex-wife behind my back. That relationship ended when I finally bought my current house and moved out.

Then I met the ex and I thought I had found the man of my dreams. I thought I had finally met the man that I would spend the rest of my life with. We were together for eight months and then he walked away with very little explanation. I was completely heartbroken and it was so difficult to walk away from him. I started dating another guy a couple months later but I never really felt right about it.

Then I met my best friend at church and we spent a year together. He was wonderful for me in so many ways but I couldn’t marry him. Then I found out he lied to me for months and it completely broke my heart. I still think about him sometimes but I don’t miss him the way I used too.
At the beginning of this school year the ex came waltzing into my life like he belonged. Yet again he convinced me that he wasn’t going anywhere when in actuality we weren’t going anywhere. I spent four months hoping and believing that we would figure out a way to be together despite all the time we had been apart. Somewhere around the first of the year I figured out that I was wasting my time waiting on him. I will probably love him for the rest of my life but I just can’t sit around being miserable because he can’t figure out what he wants or how he feels.

Now to my current situation with the paramedic. When we first started talking he seemed very attentive and interested in me. We talked for over a week before we actually met. We had our first and second date last Saturday and they both went fairly well. Then we still talked over the next few days. He came over Tuesday night and had dinner with my kids and I. He seemed preoccupied but he told me he was just tired. I didn’t talk to him that much on Wednesday or Thursday and I haven’t even heard from him so far today. I know i shouldn’t worry so much about him and the situation because it is still so new but I don’t trust easy after everything that has happened over the last three years.

Today I started having doubts about him and my decision to let go of my ex. Why is it so hard for me to let go of him? He is not that special and he is incredible difficult to deal with. Maybe I’m just thinking about him because I know the anniversary of his father’s death is on Sunday.

Grief and Loss

Today marks the one year anniversary of my ex’s grandmother’s passing.  He didn’t text me or reach out to me today.  Instead he reached out on Tuesday when he got upset at about work.  I almost texted him to check on him but I decided that if he needed me he would let me know.  Grief and loss are a strange thing because everyone handles them so differently.  I can’t always be the one to reach out.  I barely saw him today and the one time I did he didn’t even speak to me.  If he wanted to talk then he would have talked then.  I’m not upset about it or even that worried.  i know he has a lot of people in his life that he can turn to if he wants their help or needs to talk.  He tells me that our friendship really matters but he never really shows it.

I have dealt with a lot of my own grief and I am getting to a point where I realize that life can’t stop because someone dies.  I am finally living my life for me for the first time in a very long time.  After I got married the first time almost eighteen years ago, I started living for someone else.  I never really stopped doing that since then.  Now I have decided that it is time to live for me.  I have to think about my kids and my responsibilities but ultimately my life will only be whatever I make it.  My 2016 has been pretty good so far because I’m trying really hard to focus on the good in my life.  I have a candy jar next to my bed and every night I write one good thing that happened that day on a small piece of paper and put it in my jar.  I date every piece of paper and next year on December 31st I plan to read about all the good things that happened to me in 2016.  This is going to be a much better year for me because i refuse to settle for anything less.