Funerals

So I don’t think anyone enjoys funerals. Tomorrow I have to attend the second funeral of a former student. Life is not supposed to work that way.  I’m not supposed to be attending the funeral of my students. I haven’t really been teaching that many years because I came into my career later in life. A lot of teachers are lucky enough to spend years teaching before they ever have to deal with the untimely death of a student. In a little over eight years I have lost one to racing, one to suicide and now one to cancer. I have had so many wonderful students and I am lucky enough to keep up with them through social media. I watch them get married, have children and even graduate college. I have gone on so many adventures through my students. I honestly can’t imagine doing anything else for a living but today I am sad to be a teacher. I am sad to know that one of my special students lost his battle with cancer. Students are supposed to outlive their teachers just like children are supposed to outlive their parents. I am thankful that I will be able to say goodbye tomorrow with many of my former students but I am also saddened that the world has lost such a special soul. RIP

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Father’s Day

So if I was at home I would be surrounded by people talking about Father’s Day. In Bolivia I’m safe because today doesn’t have the same significance here. Today is the second Father’s Day without my dad. I remember spending Father’s Day last year with my ex fiance’s family. I miss my dad a lot but I have learned to have some peace. I know he doesn’t suffer anymore which definitely makes things easier. I spend a lot of time with my host family here in Cochabamba which is actually pretty cool. I miss being at home in one respect but in others it is actually nice to be on my own. I have a couple of really great friends who have kept in close contact with me which has helped a lot. I feel like my life is on the verge of significant change but I have no idea how I will be effected by that change. My ex was on my mind a lot yesterday so I sent him a message. It was the first contact we’ve had in a couple of weeks. It was innocent and friendly and I did it for the right reasons. I would love to say that I don’t still miss him but I would be lying. I don’t think about him all the time like I used to though. I am feeling stronger and depending on the news I get tomorrow it may get that much easier to let go of my ex and the past. I am boycotting Facebook today so I can avoid Father’s Day.  I know it’s silly but that is how I choose to deal with today.

Heavy Heart

So I only have two days until the anniversary of my father’s death.  Today my heart is sad.  Sad for the loss of my father and sad for the loss of the love of my life. I have felt like I would be alone for the rest of my life for some time but now it has become clear that without him I’m not sure I can find my fairy tale.  I never believed my second husband when he used to talk about fairy tale love.  I thought he was ridiculous and immature.  Then I met the ex and my whole world changed. He is the man that caused me to have a before and after.  My life before him was filled with people that I cared about and loved but there really wasn’t any great love.  I didn’t have the kind of love that knocks you off your feet and makes you feel like you’re floating.  My ex made me feel that way.  He made me feel like the most beautiful and amazing person ever.  I completely took him for granted and let all my insecurities tear us apart. He broke me and since then I haven’t been able to put all the pieces back together. I plan to spend some time working on that while I am in Bolivia this summer.  There has to be a worth while after him.  He can’t be the end.  God needs to take away these feelings and let me heal. I derserve to be happy. I don’t necessarily need to be happy with someone else but I deserve the chance to not feel so broken. I want to be whole again. Today I talked to the pastor of my church and I plan to meet with him before I leave so that he can pray with me.  I just really hope that I get the new job because that will make it easier on the ex and I. I think it would be better for both of us if we didn’t see each other all the time. He told me that he would miss me if i left but I still think it would be better for both of us if the new job comes through. I just hope that God agrees that this new job is the best place for me. Life is about changes and I think it is definitely time for some changes in my life.

Loneliness and Loss

I find myself in such an odd position right now because my mom and I are going through similar circumstances. My mom lost my dad after almost 59 years of marriage and now she’s alone. I have been divorced for two and a half years and I’m alone too. My mom started going to the senior center near her house and she has met a lot of new people.  She has even met a male friend that she has spent some time with.  The problem is that she’s not sure how to deal with being single again after all these years.  She is having such a hard time navigating the ins and outs.  She says she doesn’t want to get married again but she is very lonely.  I try to encourage her but it is difficult because despite the fact that I know how it feels to be single, I can’t even relate to what she’s going through after all those years of marriage.  I feel for her because sometimes she is so sad and lost.  My dad’s birthday is on Sunday which also happens to be Valentine’s Day.  This is the first birthday since my dad passed away.  She told me earlier today that this has been a hard week for her already.  I know how she feels because I will also be alone on Valentine’s Day.  The major difference is that I haven’t been married as long as she was to my dad. It is funny in away because part of me is glad that I don’t have to worry about doing the right thing in a relationship because i never know about Valentine’s Day.  My dad always told my mom that he didn’t have to buy her a valentine because she had one every day of the year.  I guess you could say Valentine’s Day was always about my dad and not about romance.  I have been married twice and neither of my husbands ever really made a big deal about Valentine’s Day either.  My ex treated Valentine’s Day like an afterthought which is apparently how he deals with most gifts.  My kids will be home this weekend which is a good thing but I still feel like my life is completely devoid of romance.  It would be such a nice change to meet someone that was actually romantic.  Life is short and I’m not going to let myself be sad about not having a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day.  I’m more upset about not having my dad on his birthday.

Friendships

When my son was 3 we adopted a Lab/Great Dane puppy that was 6 months old.  He became my son’s best friend almost instantly.  They played together, took naps together and just grew up together.  Now after all this time we had to say goodbye.  My son didn’t want to go with me to the vet today and I guess I can understand that.  He feels things very deeply and doesn’t always want to show his emotions.

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This is one of the many pictures I have of the two of them together.  Chuck loved my little boy so much.  Dogs add so much to our lives and sometimes I think we forget that we don’t add to their lives, we are their lives.  He protected my kids and I through multiple houses.  He knew home was always where we were together.

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My son will always love this dog.  I know that his heart is breaking just like mine but he’s a strong little boy so he will be ok.  Of course I keep calling him a little boy and he’s almost 13.  Life is short we must live everyday as if it’s our last.  RIP Chuck

Goodbyes

Tomorrow I have to say goodbye to one of the sweetest dogs I have ever owned. He is a ten year old Lab/Great Dane mix.  He used to be close to 100 pounds.  I noticed Friday night that he looks like he’s lost so much weight.  He refused to eat most of last week and he barely got off the couch all weekend.  I have known that he wasn’t feeling great for awhile but I have hesitated to do anything permanent. My son is so close to him and I know that he is devastated to think about his friend not being here anymore. My son was three when we adopted Chuck from a shelter.  Shortly after we adopted him he came down with Parvo but he survived.  He was always meant to be our dog.  He has protected my kids and I for the last eight years since my first divorce.  He has always been a gentile giant.  I am so sad to think about saying goodbye to such an amazing member of our family but I need to think about what is best for him.  He deserves to be pain free and not to be so miserable all the time.  I know my other two dogs will miss him a lot but they will be ok.

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