Why is it that in life we always want to keep secrets? Why do we always feel more secure when we hold things back? I have so many emotions going through my mind right now! I don’t know how to put them in words! I feel like if I write anything down then I will just make things worse! My heart has been through so many things in the last three years! You know I realized today that 2016 has been the best year I’ve had in a long time despite the fact there has been some negativity! I find that my mind is excited and exhilarated to figure out what is going to come next for me! I’m not sure what the next three weeks in Bolivia will bring me! I’m not even sure what will happen when I get home but I do know one thing, I’m keeping my emotions to myself! I can’t afford to let anyone in right now! I need to figure out what I’m feeling! I need to figure out what I really want! I have three weeks before I go back to reality!!
So today I was offered a new job. It is not entirely official yet but I’m so excited about the opportunity. Last year was not a good year in any way shape or form! This job will give me the opportunity to start over with a clean slate. I will no longer be working with my ex. I won’t have to deal with the red-headed tyrant that has been my boss for the last year. I’m actually completely in shock that this whole thing has happened. Less than a week ago I wasn’t even thinking about this job and now today the associate principal offered me the job. Its crazy because this year so far has included all sorts of new experiences. I went to Spain on a trip with educators that I didn’t know for a week. Now I am in Bolivia working in a country where I didn’t know anyone or the language. I never dreamed that this year would bring yet another new experience into my life. I can’t wait to see what else the future has in store for me.
So I stayed up pretty late last night trying to get everything ready for my trip and then I was at 7. I had to take my dogs to the vet, go to the bank, get a pedicure and then do some last minute shopping for the trip. This afternoon I went to see my mom so that I could say goodbye and take her my plants. After all the running around I’ve done today, I am finally at home trying to relax before I leave tomorrow. I realized that by 7pm I was already exhausted from all the errands I had to run. Now I am sitting here contemplating what tomorrow will bring. What is it going to be like to travel to another continent where I don’t even know the language? What will my host family be like? What is it going to be alike to teach college age students? I know that the whole experience in Bolivia is going be unique and different than anything I have ever been exposed to before. I am anxious and excited all at the same time. It is so weird to think about all my family and friends going on as normal while I am so far away. I guess a part of me is worried that all my friends will forget about me while I’m gone. It sounds a little ridiculous but I guess a healthy dose of insecurity isn’t a bad thing considering what I am about to do. I plan to write as much as I can but I have no way of knowing how practical that will be. I probably won’t be able to write every day so my entries may be longer. I want to make sure that I document all my experiences through blogs and photos. I consider this a once in a lifetime kind of adventure so I want to make sure and enjoy it. I still haven’t heard about the other job which is extremely disappointing but I know in my heart that God will protect me and lead me to the right career opportunity for next year. I will approach next year with a positive attitude regardless of whether or not I am at my current school or a new school. Life is short and honestly my job is not the most important aspect of my life. My family and friends are much more important to me. I plan to spend even more time with my kids next year. I want to have lots of great memories so that in five more years when they are both in college, they will look back on this time as family bonding in the best way.
So today marks the end of my last full week of school. It is so hard to believe that I have almost finished my eighth year of teaching. I am still so uncertain about what will happen next year. I haven’t heard about the other job yet but I know that if I stay at my current job I will be completely miserable. I leave for Bolivia in nine days so I really hope I find out about the job this week. I am trying really hard not to get stressed out about my job for next year. My new principal has completely changed our English department and it will be insane if I have to stay.
Today I saw my 7th period class for the last time. I know that I should be sentimental about it but I am so glad that I don’t have to deal with them anymore. I have all their grades done but I’m still not done grading the research papers for my 4th period class. I guess I will have to take care of that on Tuesday. I will also have my last LPAC Meeting on Tuesday. I can’t believe that I won’t be teaching ESL next year. I guess whether or not I get a new job I will still have a unique experience next year since everything is changing. I wrote several notes today to my fellow teachers because I just felt the need to say thank you. I’m not sure what will happen with the job but I feel like things are going to be different next year regardless.
On another note, I have been binge watching the first season of “Gotham” and I love it. I love that all the villains appear in the show as children or regular people. I am trying to finish watching the show before I leave for Bolivia. My daughter and I have both been watching it. It is strange how life works. I wonder how I am going to feel when I get back from Bolivia in July.
Society has all sorts of boundaries within the bounds of relationships. One of my students asked me today how long I’ve been single. The question struck me as odd. I started thinking about it and I realized that even though I haven’t been in a real relationship since last summer that I don’t feel like I’ve been alone. I have dated and I have spent time with my ex. I just haven’t really found the need to be in a real relationship with anyone. I think I have gotten used to being on my own and at this point it would take a very special man to convince me that I need to give up my freedom.
I am about to be traveling to a country where I am going to have to respect the boundaries in an unfamiliar place. I will have to work hard to fit into a new place. I am really looking forward to meeting the new challenges of traveling to a developing country. I have always been pretty spoiled when it came to my life. I look forward to being able to test the limits of my comfort while I live in Bolivia. I have wanted to simplify my life for the last couple of years and now it’s going to happen for at least six weeks.
I’m sure with a title like desire you would expect this post to be about physical attraction but it’s not. My desire at this moment has nothing to do with lust or sex or even a physical person. My desire today is for an amazing job. My interview was awsome and I want the job more than I have wanted anything in a long time. The job would be such a great experience for me and I just hope the principal agrees. She told me today that they were concluding interviews tomorrow and then they were planning on making a decision pretty quickly. I really hope I find out something before I have to leave for Bolivia.
On another note I have discovered the beauty of being on my own. My ex once told me that I don’t know how to be alone. I can definitely say that he is wrong. I have enjoyed being on my own lately. I enjoy spending time with my friends and alone. I have learned to be even more independent than I was before all this happen. It is so funny how time can change you.
So this morning I called in at work for a half day so that i could go on an interview. I feel a bit guilty about it but I really didn’t have a choice. I don’t have a good relationship with my principal so it isn’t like I could be honest with her. I think she has probably already gotten a phone call from the district I am interviewing with but I still don’t really feel comfortable talking to her about it. I’m so nervous about this interview because for the first time in eight years I really need this job. I need to get away from my old school. I think it is so easy to get comfortable in a job and then you stop growing. My job no longer holds any new challenges for me. My principal has lead me to believe that if I stay at my current school then I will have any less challenge next year professionally. She intends to test the bounds of my emotional strength by putting me on a growth plan and forcing me to have meetings with her every three weeks. Hopefully the interviewe will go well and I can start a new challenge at a new school next year. I am excited about meeting the principal because we share the same alma maters. She went to UNT for her undergraduate and to UTA for her master’s degree. I just wish it wasn’t raining so hard this morning. I know that rain rejuvenuates the earth but it is such a pain when you are trying to make a good impression.
So I haven’t written in over a week. I have been sick and incredibly busy with life. I have continued to try and do the best I can at work despite the fact that I know my principal hates me. I got some exceptionally good news yesterday when I got a call from a district opening an Early College High School next year. I’m a little nervous but I have an interview with the principal of the new school on Thursday morning. I applied for the position on a whim never expecting to hear anything back from them. This job would be a whole new experience and challenge but it could be very good for me. I am so ready for a change and this might be the first step in making that happen.
On another note I am completely single again. I leave in like two weeks and my focus right now is on getting ready for my upcoming trip. I can’t wait to be done with school and on an airplane discovering another part of the world. I have never been to South America so it is definitely going to be an adventure. It is funny how a few months ago I thought I needed a relationship and now I realize how much better I am on my own. My life is so much less complicated when I don’t have a man in my life. I have also managed to make an actual break from my ex. I haven’t talked to him in about two weeks and I haven’t even hardly seen him at work. I have intentionally stayed away from places that I expect him to frequent so that I don’t have to deal with him. He’s a good man but I need to make a final break. We are never going to be together again so it is pointless to let my feelings be on a roller coaster all the time because of him. I don’t need to spend time with him because it just makes things harder in the long run. Spending six weeks in Bolivia this summer is going to really be good for me. It is time for me to branch out and explore new things and experiences.
So for the last couple of months I’ve been worried about whether or not I will still have a job next year. I finally got word from my principal that I have a job but it isn’t one I want. My principal has taken away over half of my job. I will no longer be the yearbook sponsor and I will no longer be teaching ESL! I got hired at my school to be the ESL teacher so I can hardly imagine not doing that next year. She has basically led me to believe that she just doesn’t want me to work there anymore. Honestly you would think after eight years things would be different. Now I have the added stress of trying to find another job in a little over a month. There are a couple of positions available so I’m trying to apply quickly so that I can be considered for them. I just have to pray that it’s in God’s plan for me to get another job before next year.
So as I sat down to write tonight I realized that I was supposed to be married on Saturday. It is really strange when I think about everything that has happened since August when my fiance and I split up. I should never have gotten engaged or agreed to marry him but it is still a loss in my life. He was my best friend for a year. He is probably my soulmate, not because I was so in love with him but more because he knows me better than anyone else ever has before. He truly understood me inside and out. He knew how to deal with my changing moods and my incredibly fickle attitude when it comes to intimacy. We loved each other very much but we weren’t right for each other in terms of a relationship. Now I am reminded of the plans we had made! It seems like another lifetime ago now but yet its right there on the surface! I leave for Spain on Saturday which is a good thing because I honestly need to get away from everything and everybody right now!