Today in church I heard two very important messages. The first has to do with the parable of the sower and the seed. We started Sunday school this morning reading the parable of the sower and the seed. I have heard the story many times but I got something completely different from the story this morning. One of the things that our teacher focused on this morning was the fact that Jesus used parables to reach the everyday people that could relate to the situations in the parables. Another thing he focused on was the fact that Jesus used the parables so that the people that were open to God’s word would get fulfillment from the parables but those that weren’t ready for God’s word would think they had just heard a good story. Another aspect that we focused on was the idea that if we have Christ in our life that our lives should bear fruit. We have discussed this concept many times before but today I sat in class wondering whether or not my life bears the fruit that it should. I know I am saved and I know that God’s word has an impact on my heart every time I study the bible either in Sunday school or even at home on my own. So I hear his words and I want to live my life the way he intends for me too. My biggest issue is that lately I’ve been feeling a little lost in terms of direction in my life. I feel like I should leave my ex behind but my heart just won’t let go. I pray for guidance and stength to endure whatever I need to move on with my life. I feel like everytime I start getting in a good place with my feelings, he comes back into my life in a way that prevents me from getting over him.
The second message I received today came from our actual worship service. We were studying Colossians and the pastor was preaching about community and the fact that in order to worship effectively you must be a part of a community. He referred to the type of people that we are expected to be which is compassionate, kind, humble, meek and patient. The pastor spoke about the difficulty of acheiving these goals within ourselves. The thing that struck me the most is that he emphasized that we should forgive those in our church community just like we were forgiven by Jesus. He preached about peace and joy and the idea that we should be thankful for our community. It is so interesting to me because he also mentioned that when we talk to God we won’t always have joy or be happy. I can completely relate to what he is saying. There have been days that I have heard exactly what I needed to go forward in a positive light but there have been just as many times that I have wallked out of chuch with a heavy heart. I have felt guilt or sadness over the words that have touched my soul during church services. I think it is important for us to remember that church isn’t always about things that make you feel good. God is going to tell you what you need to hear whether you like it or not. The key is whether or not you are actually listening to his words. I have struggled to hear God’s plan for me lately so this morning was really good for me.
So today should have been my dad’s 79th birthday. I haven’t spent a lot of time thinking about my dad but it has crossed my mind a few times today. In addition to missing my dad I am also dealing with being alone on a day that is designed for couples. I have to say that my weekend has been pretty good though. I spent Friday having a nice dinner with my kids and then doing some shopping. Yesterday my kids and I cleaned part of the house and then watched the “Minions” last night. Then after the movie my kids made fun of me while I attempted to play a game called Silent Hill. It was so much fun having my kids piled on my bed trying to help me play a video game. I have to say that I am pretty terrible at video games but I do enjoy trying. It is so funny how I could be totally dreading the weekend and then end up really enjoying my kids. They have both been so interested in other things lately that it has been awhile since they hung out with me. I really enjoy spending time with them. I am so incredibly lucky to have them. I honestly don’t think I would even mind being single if my kids were home all the time. I go to Spain in less than a month so I need to start focsing on making myself feel as good as possible. I have got to start eating healthy so that I will feel better by the time I leave for Spain. Life is short and I plan to make the most of it with or without a man!!!
Well I found out this morning that I have been accepted to my summer volunteer position in Bolivia. I’m so excited. I can hardly believe that I’m going to get the opportunity to teach at a university level for six weeks. Now I just have to work on my Spanish over the next three or four months. I worked on it a little last night but I really need to start working a lot more diligently. This is literally going to be an experience of a lifetime. I am excited to be able to represent my country and my school. I just know that I am going to grow so much mentally and spiritually from this experience. Life is short and I am ceasing the day.
Today I slept in after staying up very late on New Year’s Eve. Although I was really proud of myself because I stayed true to my new year’s aspirations this morning. I started my squat and push ups challenges. I completed the first day of my bible in a year plan. I also finally got the new PS4 hooked up in the living room. My kids were home for three hours which of course is never long enough but it was great to see them. My mom and I took them out to dinner and then we all played Phase 10 when we got back home. It wasn’t an amazing day but it was a good day. It is a new year and the future looks bright. I have family that I love dearly and I have several good friends. I don’t have love in my life but I do have love in my heart which is more than enough for me. I plan to make 2016 a great year!!
Thanksgiving is the time to sit back and look at all the things in our lives that we have to be thankful for. I have two amazing children that give me a sense a pride on a daily basis. They are smart, sensitive and loving. They are both teenagers so they aren’t perfect but they are really great kids. I’m lucky enough to have an amazing mom who is one of my best friends. I have a job that truly gives me a sense of making a difference in this crazy world we live in. I have a nice home for my little family and I have my health.
Of course there are plenty of things I would love to have in my life but i have come to realize that things aren’t what make you happy in the long run. Home was always a place for me when I was growing up because I lived in the same house my whole life. It wasn’t until after my first divorce that I truly realized what home really should be. Home to me now is where ever I live with my two children. I worry about my mom living alone but i know that she is ok right now.
I received an email last night from my first love. He remembered my birthday after all these years. I guess you could say that hearing from him restored my faith in humanity just a little bit. I can’t wait to see him at my graduation in a few weeks. My mom asked me this morning if I was going to invite my ex to my graduation. You see we are not even what I would call friends at the moment so it is kind of a weird situation. I’m not sure that I would even have applied for grad school if it hadn’t been for his encouragement when we were dating, but that was two years ago and I’m not sure that is still a reason to include him. I’m not even sure he cares about my graduation. I know that he was instrumental in getting me into grad school I’m just not sure how much credit I should give him at this point. It is definitely time to move forward in my life and stop focusing on the past. Life is short and I deserve to be happy.
I have been teaching for the last seven and a half years and I’ll be honest I have only lost two students. I lost my first student the summer between my first and second year of teaching. He was in a car with some friends and they got involved in a race and it ended badly. He died on the scene and his best friend spent a lot of time in the hospital and then he was never the same after that. The accident happened in the summer and I didn’t find out about it until after school started the next year. I was really sad because he was about to be a senior and I felt like he never really had a chance. Then Saturday morning I find out that I’ve lost my second student. This particular student graduated in 2013 and he was part of the last class of seniors I taught. I had in my class for government and economics. He was one of the sweetest students I ever had and he always had a smile on his face. I am especially sad about this student because he took his own life. I can’t believe his life was so terrible at 20 that he would hang himself and end it all. I have been sad about my student for a couple of days. I have worked really hard to try and reconnect with as many of the students from his class because I want them to know that I will always be there for them.
Tonight I got a huge surprise from yet another former student. I received a message from one of my students from my first few years of teaching. He said he wanted to thank me for everything I taught him. He said that he knows he didn’t appreciate it back then but he does now. It made my day to see such a sweet message at such a sad time. i told him how much it meant to me and he said that he would always be there for me the way I was for him and his sister. I don’t teach for appreciation but it is really nice to know that I have touched some students along the way.
I am attaching one of my favorite pictures of that senior class. I hope they all know how special they are to me!!
True joy is one of those things that comes around at various times and opportunities. I have realized that I finally have true joy in my life. I have been holding on to the past for so long that I didn’t realize what it was doing to me. The last few weeks since I’ve been talking to my ex again, I have started letting go of him and forgiving him for the past. i still love him and I would love to try again with him but i think I finally realize that if we don’t get back together I will be ok. My children are in a good place and so am i. Joy comes from within and from GOD. I know that my life would never be perfect in GOD’s eyes but I am doing the best I can to be the best version of myself.