When I stopped seeing the guy I had been seeing I was really worried that I would fall into the same trap with my ex again. It seems like when I have been single this year that we have gravitated to each other. There was no rhyme or reason to it and for the most part it was about sex. It broke my heart a little more every time it happened but yet I couldn’t walk away. The last few weeks I have realized how much happier I am on my own. I would still love to be in a relationship but I know I’m not ready for that. So this weekend was kind of a test. My ex showed up in my classroom after school on Friday unexpectedly. He was friendly so we talked. Friday night my ex texted me so again we talked. A couple of months ago, I would probably have spent Friday night in bed with him. Instead I had a two hour conversation with him and then I went to bed. Last night he texted me again. A part of me wanted him to come over last night and make love to me one last time. I know that it wouldn’t change anything but a part of me really wanted it anyway. Instead, I had a real conversation with him about what we had been doing for months. I asked questions that I had been too afraid to ask. I also finally got some answers that will help me finally walk away. I will always love this man but I know that it is time to let him go. The next few weeks are going to bring a lot of changes to my life. I may get a new job and I am about to embark on an amazing journey of discovery in Bolivia. I don’t necessarily think we will ever be completely out of each other’s lives but I do think the chance of us ever getting back together is behind us.
My best friend made a statement to me yesterday about the three of us being obsessed with each other. I’m not sure if that is true or not but I do know one thing, it needs to end. We don’t need to stay so wrapped up in each other. My best friend is interested in another woman but he says he’s not. I think part of it has to do with me. He needs to move on with his life too. He needs to find someone else to focus his energies on. He is definitely my best friend but that needs to be where it ends. I need to move away from the past completely. I am really hoping that I can do that while I am in Bolivia.
It is so funny how much can change in a year. I would never have thought I would be where I am today a year ago. My father has been gone almost a year and I honestly think his death has made me see things with a clearer focus. I would love to be able to sit down and talk to my dad one last time but I know in my heart that he knows how much I loved him. I plan to live the rest of my life in a way that he could be proud of me.
Today in church I heard two very important messages. The first has to do with the parable of the sower and the seed. We started Sunday school this morning reading the parable of the sower and the seed. I have heard the story many times but I got something completely different from the story this morning. One of the things that our teacher focused on this morning was the fact that Jesus used parables to reach the everyday people that could relate to the situations in the parables. Another thing he focused on was the fact that Jesus used the parables so that the people that were open to God’s word would get fulfillment from the parables but those that weren’t ready for God’s word would think they had just heard a good story. Another aspect that we focused on was the idea that if we have Christ in our life that our lives should bear fruit. We have discussed this concept many times before but today I sat in class wondering whether or not my life bears the fruit that it should. I know I am saved and I know that God’s word has an impact on my heart every time I study the bible either in Sunday school or even at home on my own. So I hear his words and I want to live my life the way he intends for me too. My biggest issue is that lately I’ve been feeling a little lost in terms of direction in my life. I feel like I should leave my ex behind but my heart just won’t let go. I pray for guidance and stength to endure whatever I need to move on with my life. I feel like everytime I start getting in a good place with my feelings, he comes back into my life in a way that prevents me from getting over him.
The second message I received today came from our actual worship service. We were studying Colossians and the pastor was preaching about community and the fact that in order to worship effectively you must be a part of a community. He referred to the type of people that we are expected to be which is compassionate, kind, humble, meek and patient. The pastor spoke about the difficulty of acheiving these goals within ourselves. The thing that struck me the most is that he emphasized that we should forgive those in our church community just like we were forgiven by Jesus. He preached about peace and joy and the idea that we should be thankful for our community. It is so interesting to me because he also mentioned that when we talk to God we won’t always have joy or be happy. I can completely relate to what he is saying. There have been days that I have heard exactly what I needed to go forward in a positive light but there have been just as many times that I have wallked out of chuch with a heavy heart. I have felt guilt or sadness over the words that have touched my soul during church services. I think it is important for us to remember that church isn’t always about things that make you feel good. God is going to tell you what you need to hear whether you like it or not. The key is whether or not you are actually listening to his words. I have struggled to hear God’s plan for me lately so this morning was really good for me.
So I have often wondered about these words because I always hear in church that God will answer prayers in his time not ours. The part I don’t understand is the prayers that he never answers no matter how much you pray. I got my heart broken into a million pieces almost two years ago and every since that happened I have prayed that God would take away the pain and help me let go of my ex. Of course the only prayer he answered was the one about the pain. After awhile I stopped feeling so much pain but the love never went away or even diminished. I thought I was pretty much over the ex last August when I went back to school. I knew I still loved him but I had stopped thinking about him all the time and I had cut off the majority of my contact with him. Then what does he do? He comes back into my life with the guise of being worried about me because of the death of my father. Then he acts like he wants us to try again. During this time period I started thinking that maybe God had left me feeling this way because we were supposed to be together. Early last fall the ex went to a Garth Brooks concert with his daugther and he posted a video of the concert with him singing Unanswered Prayers. He has a beautiful voice and I honestly thought it was God’s will bringing us back together. Obviously I was in some sort of stupor because we never got back together and we are not exactly in a good place at the moment. The crazy thing is that I have kept praying for resolution or closure when it comes to him but I still haven’t managed to get it. It has been almost two years and I still love him so much. It is just something about the way it makes me feel to be around him. When we are together it is like nothing has ever changed between us but then he will just get really cold. I want to move on and get over him completely but I haven’t figured out why God won’t show me the way to do that. I know I will probably never love anyone the way I loved him but I would still like to fall in love again. I would still like to have a future with someone else. So I guess I have to just keep waiting on God to answer that prayer.
I can hardly believe all the changes that have occurred over the last year. I have finally come to realize that although every year brings its share of challenges, it also brings its share of joy. I lost my father but I have watched my son grow into a very respectful young man that believes in God. In a few more weeks I will watch him be baptized which is one of the greatest gifts I could receive. I have had the honor of watching my daughter bloom into her own person. She doesn’t march to the beat of the band but stands out in the crowd. She has completely reinvented herself this year at her new school. I am so proud of the young woman that she is becoming. I consider myself so lucky to have two amazing children that never fail to remind of how special they really are. I’m sure that a year from now I will probably have many more changes to reflect on too but for now I want to look to my future and not my past.
I have spent the last year ignoring the fact that I wasn’t dealing with the past. I had this really great friend that was more than willing to let me ignore the past and pretend like everything was ok. It wasn’t and in the process of the last year he became a crutch for my when I was sad or lost. We weren’t in a relationship but I let the lines get blurred to the point that we ended up engaged for awhile. I never loved him like that and he knew it but he was ok with that. I knew it was wrong but I was devastated by my broken heart that wouldn’t heal. He let me pretend everything was ok. He made me think it was ok not to love him despite the fact that I constantly had doubts. I finally realized that I was better off alone than living a lie. Now it is time to move on from him so I can figure out who I really am today.
On another note, I never really let go of my ex. Now that he has come back into my world and completely turned it upside down I feel differently. He doesn’t know what he wants that’s ok for him but not for me. I refuse to be treated like an option. I want to be someone’s priority not just an option in their lives. He will always remain special to me in so many ways but now it is time to move on. He has chosen to live his life in a way that I truly don’t understand. We have a lot of history but I think that’s all it is at this point. I won’t be cruel and if things change and he asks me out I will give him a chance but I refuse to spend any more time focused on him. He is a great guy but maybe he’s just not the great guy that will make my world complete.
Tomorrow I will wake up to yet another birthday but one thing I have come to realize is that life is too short to focus on the negative in life. I plan to be happy. I want to meet new people and experience new things. I want to go out and have fun not sit at home and be sad. In the next month I will go through all sorts of significant events in my life but I know that whatever happens my faith in God will carry me through.
I realized when I woke up this morning that it is time for forgiveness in my life. I need to forgive myself for letting my ex back into my life the way I did. I need to forgive him for hurting me again. I need to forgive my best friend for always being so needy lately. I also need to forgive myself for being weak. My biggest struggle within myself is weakness. I don’t like to want or need anybody because it makes me feel weak. My best friend is going through all sorts of struggles right now so I am back to relying on myself which is probably the best thing that could happen. Today I have focused on forgiveness and self reflection. I know that I am not perfect and that I could always be a better version of myself. I know that life is short and I can’t focus on the past anymore.
I have had two great loves in my life. The first was when I was only 15 and he influenced my entire high school life and the first couple of years of college. He gave me a purpose in life when i didn’t have one. He helped give me strength when my parents were considering divorce. He loved me through all of it. He even loved me when I loved a woman. Ultimately we separated because I wasn’t in a place to commit myself to him at 19. I wanted to live more of my life first. I never really stopped loving him but I did let him go completely. When my first husband and I were going through our divorce we reconnected for a few years but it was never really the same as before. I will always hold a place in his heart and he in mine. I’m so honored because he’s going to attend my graduation. I haven’t seen him in six years but he’s still going to be there at a very important life event for me. The second happened very unexpectedly when I was going through my second divorce. I met my ex and we quickly became friends. The friendship became so much more and for the first time in my life I thought that I might actually get my happy ending. He was everything that I had ever wanted for me and for my children. I will never know what really happened but one day he just walked away. I have never really gotten over it and I’m not sure I ever will.
We all deserve to be happy but i don’t believe that we have unlimited chances for love. I think at some point we have to face the fact that we have just let too many opportunities pass us by. I would consider myself a lucky person in most respects but not when it comes to love and relationships. I hope that one day I can share my life with someone again but if it doesn’t happen I have still been blessed in my life.