I Am Second

I’ve written about this movement before but today I got a chance to share it with someone in Bolivia. So Freddy is in charge of assisting all the volunteers and he first noticed my cross that I bought in Toledo , Spain. He asked me if I was Catholic. I told him that I was Protestant!  Then he noticed my bracelet. He asked me who was first if I was second. I told him God. He beamed at me! It was an incredible feeling to be able to share my faith here in Bolivia. In the US most people have heard of the movement or they just don’t ask. It made me feel even better about my trip to Bolivia.

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Professionalism

As a teacher I am held to a higher standard when it comes to morality and behavior.  I have often thought that this concept was a bit outdated because we are all human and no one is perfect.  I have always been especially careful about hugging students or being too close to them.  Every teacher has had a student that they really connect with where the lines might have gotten blurred but they still manage to maintain professionalism because of expectations.  I am relatively close to my yearbook editors this year but I haven’t let it impact my job. I’m sure you are wondering why I would choose to write about this particular topic now.  Today I texted my ex because I was concerned about him.  It turns out he is really struggling right now because he’s been accused of not being professional with his students. The principal actually told him his job is on the line and he’s really worried because he’s happy at our district and doesn’t want to have to find another job.  This is such a hard issue for me because I can honestly see both sides of this situation.  I know that the ex is a great man that would never have an inappropriate relationship with a student. I also know that he is way to casual with students. He is too involved in their activities outside of class which creates a sense of closeness with the kids that probably shouldn’t be there.   He is a man of faith and I tried to remind him that he needs to have faith that God will provide. I think the hardest thing for me is the fact that I have to watch him beat himself up.  He is so hard on himself and I know that this situation will be no different.  It is hard to watch someone you love struggle in life.  I know that there is nothing I can do but be there and listen but I wish I could fix it for him.

Message

Today in church I heard two very important messages.  The first has to do with the parable of the sower and the seed.  We started Sunday school this morning reading the parable of the sower and the seed.  I have heard the story many times but I got something completely different from the story this morning.  One of the things that our teacher focused on this morning was the fact that Jesus used parables to reach the everyday people that could relate to the situations in the parables.  Another thing he focused on was the fact that Jesus used the parables so that the people that were open to God’s word would get fulfillment from the parables but those that weren’t ready for God’s word would think they had just heard a good story. Another aspect that we focused on was the idea that if we have Christ in our life that our lives should bear fruit.  We have discussed this concept many times before but today I sat in class wondering whether or not my life bears the fruit that it should. I know I am saved and I know that God’s word has an impact on my heart every time I study the bible either in Sunday school or even at home on my own. So I hear his words and I want to live my life the way he intends for me too. My biggest issue is that lately I’ve been feeling a little lost in terms of direction in my life.  I feel like I should leave my ex behind but my heart just won’t let go. I pray for guidance and stength to endure whatever I need to move on with my life. I feel like everytime I start getting in a good place with my feelings, he comes back into my life in a way that prevents me from getting over him.

The second message I received today came from our actual worship service. We were studying Colossians and the pastor was preaching about community and the fact that in order to worship effectively you must be a part of a community.  He referred to the type of people that we are expected to be which is compassionate, kind, humble, meek and patient. The pastor spoke about the difficulty of acheiving these goals within ourselves. The thing that struck me the most is that he emphasized that we should forgive those in our church community just like we were forgiven by Jesus. He preached about peace and joy and the idea that we should be thankful for our community. It is so interesting to me because he also mentioned that when we talk to God we won’t always have joy or be happy.  I can completely relate to what he is saying.  There have been days that I have heard exactly what I needed to go forward in a positive light but there have been just as many times that I have wallked out of chuch with a heavy heart. I have felt guilt or sadness over the words that have touched my soul during church services. I think it is important for us to remember that church isn’t always about things that make you feel good.  God is going to tell you what you need to hear whether you like it or not.  The key is whether or not you are actually listening to his words. I have struggled to hear God’s plan for me lately so this morning was really good for me.

Unanswered Prayers

So I have often wondered about these words because I always hear in church that God will answer prayers in his time not ours.  The part I don’t understand is the prayers that he never answers no matter how much you pray.  I got my heart broken into a million pieces almost two years ago and every since that happened I have prayed that God would take away the pain and help me let go of my ex. Of course the only prayer he answered was the one about the pain.  After awhile I stopped feeling so much pain but the love never went away or even diminished. I thought I was pretty much over the ex last August when I went back to school.  I knew I still loved him but I had stopped thinking about him all the time and I had cut off the majority of my contact with him. Then what does he do?  He comes back into my life with the guise of being worried about me because of the death of my father.  Then he acts like he wants us to try again.  During this time period I started thinking that maybe God had left me feeling this way because we were supposed to be together.  Early last fall the ex went to a Garth Brooks concert with his daugther and he posted a video of the concert with him singing Unanswered Prayers. He has a beautiful voice and I honestly thought it was God’s will bringing us back together.  Obviously I was in some sort of stupor because we never got back together and we are not exactly in a good place at the moment.  The crazy thing is that I have kept praying for resolution or closure when it comes to him but I still haven’t managed to get it. It has been almost two years and I still love him so much.  It is just something about the way it makes me feel to be around him.  When we are together it is like nothing has ever changed between us but then he will just get really cold. I want to move on and get over him completely but I haven’t figured out why God won’t show me the way to do that. I know I will probably never love anyone the way I loved him but I would still like to fall in love again.  I would still like to have a future with someone else.  So I guess I have to just keep waiting on God to answer that prayer.

 

I am Second

I realized today while I was sitting in church that I have been looking at things the wrong way.  I decided to travel to Bolivia while I was sitting in church the first Sunday of the year.  I remembered today that the reason I decided to volunteer in Bolivia was bout giving back and having a new lease on life.  My relationship status has impacted my attitude.  I let my disappointment over the paramedic impact all the other good things I have in my life.  I would still like to have a boyfriend in my life that I can share things with both good and bad but I know that the most important thing in my life is my faith.  I have to remember that God comes first and foremost and everything is second just like the bracelet I wear all the time.  I have to remember that my life is amazing.  I have these two great children that make me proud every day and a great job.  I have been blessed with the ability to achieve an advanced education and the ability to buy a home for my family.

I’m still not sure that I should have asked my ex out but I have decided to put it all in God’s hands.  if we are supposed to go out than God will make sure it happens.  If not, than he will put additional obstacles in our way.  At the very least I want to maintain my friendship with my ex because he knows me really well and he really does help me out a lot.  I will eventually meet the man I am supposed to spend my life with but until then I need to be patient and leave it in God’s hands.  I need to focus on the amazing things I will be able to bring into my classroom through my trip to Spain.  I also need to focus on the return to the basic strategies for learning when I start teaching in Bolivia.  I need to focus on what’s important in my life.  I don’t need to worry about the things I am lacking.  This time I have spent single over the past few months has been really good for me. Maybe God just thinks I need a little more time so that I can focus my energies on him. I felt like for the purposes of this post I would share a picture of my bracelet.  i wear this all the time but I think sometimes it is still necessary to be reminded about its meaning!!!IMG_2652

Day 3 of 2016

This morning while I was in church listening to my pastor talk about the fact that all Christians need to continue to grow, I was moved to pursue an idea I’ve had for awhile. I have had a dream of going to another country to teach for quite sometime.  I want to go on a mission trip so that I can give back.  I have been so fortunate in my life and there are so many people that have so much less than I do.  I think it would be an amazing experience to work with people from another country and culture.  So I got on the Internet and started searching for opportunities to volunteer in another country.  I found several opportunities for English teachers as well as literacy teachers and training other teachers.  My master’s puts me in a great position to work training other teachers.  I want to eventually work as a literacy coach so the idea of training other teachers in another country is extremely appealing.  I still plan to talk to my superintendent about a new job as a literacy coach for next school year but i think this might be a great way to spend part of my summer.  I have already talked to my mom and she agreed to help take care of my children and my house.  I know it wouldn’t be easy but it would probably be an amazing experience. I would be able to fulfill a dream of mine and give back at the same time. I read an article today and one of the things it talked about was making a bucket list of things you wanted to do when you’re single in order to prepare yourself for being in a future relationship. When I first read the article I couldn’t think of anything I really wanted to do on my own but now all of a sudden I have found two interesting things that I wouldn’t mind doing on my own.  I also found a trip for teachers that would take me to Spain for Spring Break.  I’m not sure that I could raise the money for the Spring Break Trip in time but it was still pretty cool.  I think maybe I have just realized that it is time to do things on my own and quite worrying about other people.  My ex has got his own issues and hangups that have absolutely nothing to do with me.  I need to live for me and I think 2016 might be the perfect year to start truly living by that philosophy.  Life is short and I refuse to sit around and just wait on my dreams to come true.  I need to get out and live my life.

Day 2 of 2016

I have been planning to have an old tattoo covered up for quite awhile.  Today I finally went to a tattoo artist that specializes in cover ups and took him the design I am interested in. He said the design should work pretty well and so he is currently working on the final design for me.  We have an appointment to start the new tattoo on January 31st.  It is going to cost me a fortune but I’m looking forward to having it done.

I am keeping up with my bible app and so far I’ve completed the first two days. I haven’t exercised yet today because I was in a hurry this morning but I plan to complete my exercises before I go to bed.  I am not completely back on my diet but I am trying to cut back on things that i don’t need to be eating.

I am definitely keeping a positive outlook for the new year.  I feel for my mom though because she is incredibly lonely.  She told me today that she is lost right now.  She kept telling me that she didn’t understand why she felt that way.  I kept telling her that I completely understand where she’s coming from.  I understand being lonely and I understand feeling lost.

Right now I choose to focus on the positive aspects of my life instead of the negative.  God will take care of me as long as I put everything in his hands.  I watched “War Room” again last night and it reminded me of the reason why praying is so important. I know that my ex needs prayers as he approaches the year anniversary of his grandmother’s death and then his father’s death.  My former best friend needs prayers too.  I don’t know where he is in his journey dealing with his addiction but I know he needs prayer. I may not choose to be a part of his life anymore but I still don’t want anything bad to happen to him. I keep hoping that he will figure out a way to get his life together.

Left Behind

I started reading the Left Behind book series not to long before Christmas and I just started the third book last night.  It is a series that deals with what will happen in the world after the Rapture of God. It has been so enlightening to read.  Now I desperately want to  study Revelation because i realize how little I know about Christ’s return or the Rapture.  I have also come to realize how important it is for me to get right with God.  I don’t pray like I should and I’m not living my life exactly as I should be. I need to start listening more to my heart and start living life God’s way and not my way. I plan to start reading the bible again every day starting January 1st.  I guess you could say that reading the bible and praying more are going to be my New Year’s resolutions.  I’m also going to try really hard to get back on my diet and exercise routine.  I need to get myself mentally, physically, and spiritually healthy in 2016.  I want to have a better year than I did in 2015.

I am in love with a man that I can’t be with.  I have tried to get over him in so many ways but I’ve honestly been unsuccessful. We are friends and we spend time together occasionally but we aren’t together.  I’m usually able to walk away from people and never look back.  I can’t do that with him.  I decided to go out with another guy despite the fact that I don’t want anyone else but it was a disaster. Honestly I’m just not ready to be with anyone else.  I got tears in my eyes on the way home from my date.  I don’t know that my ex and I will ever figure things out but I have decided that I just can’t date anyone else until I feel some closure in that area of my life. I hope to meet someone else and fall in love again but right now the only person I really love is my ex.   I need to give myself some time to figure things out.  I have been single since August when I broke off my engagement but I know now that I still need more time.  I refuse to put myself in a position where i hurt myself or someone else because i just wasn’t ready for a relationship.

My ex fiancee and former best friend is still having trouble dealing with me cutting him off.  The ex keeps sending me screen shots of posts that he has on Facebook.  I really don’t need to know what he’s thinking or feeling.  I have purposefully not asked any of his family about him.  I love his family so much but I know that I can’t ask them about him.  I want the best for him but I can’t be part of his life.  My ex is still afraid that he is going to do something.  I wish he would just let go of his anger towards my ex.  He can’t just keep blaming him for everything.  The ex has nothing to do with him not being in my life.  He made his own mistakes that caused me to cut him out of my life. If he ever did anything to hurt my ex I would never forgive him and I think he knows that.  I just hope he realizes that getting back at my ex isn’t going to solve anything.

 

Broken Hearts

It is funny how many things can happen in one week’s time.  Last Sunday marks the beginning of the healing of the broken heart my ex left me with so long ago.  We were able to really talk and open up to each other.  He apologized for what happen between us.  It is amazing how different I felt after I got that apology.  All week we have been interacting on a regular basis and really establishing ourselves as friends again.  We both have residual chemistry and feelings but we have agreed that the most important thing we can do is move forward as friends.  He gets me right now which is saying a lot because I have a lot of raw emotions about my dad.  We are both still in the first year of of acceptance and letting go of our fathers.  I told him that I needed him as a friend right now.  He has assured me that I won’t lose his friendship.  I can honestly say that after becoming friends with him again that this week was pretty amazing. I was actually happy and didn’t feel like I had anything looming over me.  My heart felt freer and I hoped that I was moving forward in the right direction. We decided midway through the week to put our new found friendship to the test.  We agreed to spend the weekend together with no expectations and no restrictions.  In a way it was a risky move but he was concerned about it being the year anniversary to the hospice talk about his dad and I needed help with a couple of things.  We decided it would be mutually beneficial.  He came over Friday night and it was the start to a great weekend.  It great spending so much time with him. After what happen between us a few weeks ago I honestly never thought we would make love again.  We did this weekend many times.  It was different than before and i haven’t quite put my finger on what made it different. I know that I was really glad he was here. Of course all that aside, we go back to a friendship with the restrictions that allow us to really be the support that each other needs right now.  I have to admit it is a little weird but I know it is for the best.

Now for my second broken heart.  The man that is supposed to be my best friend completely shattered our friendship on Thursday night when he told me that he’s been lying to me for the last three and a half months.  The admission comes with even more doubt that I want to admit.  I saw the signs that he was using again and I knew that he was struggling with so many things right now.  I wanted to believe in him and trust that he was really staying clean.  He broke my heart when he told me he wasn’t.  I can’t be part of all this with him.  I have too much to lose in my own life.  I was already in the process of trying to separate from him because I knew that I needed to move on with my life.  I don’t want anything bad to happen to him and i spent at least a half hour talking to his mom this morning.  I just have to pray that he gets the help he needs and then I have to let go of it.  I can’t keep trying to save him from himself.

I don’t know what the future holds for me but I do know that I’m not in control of it.  I have to have faith that God will bring me through my heartache and let me fall in love some where on the other side.  I have prayed so many times in the past for God to take the feelings for my ex out of my heart but I don’t think we have completely run our course yet.  We still have things we can do for each other.  We are still capable of supporting each other through all the stuff with our dads.  I can’t imagine a better person to be able to call my friend right now.

On the Eve of my 41st Year

I can hardly believe all the changes that have occurred over the last year. I have finally come to realize that although every year brings its share of challenges, it also brings its share of joy.  I lost my father but I have watched my son grow into a very respectful young man that believes in God.  In a few more weeks I will watch him be baptized which is one of the greatest gifts I could receive.  I have had the honor of watching my daughter bloom into her own person.  She doesn’t march to the beat of the band but stands out in the crowd.  She has completely reinvented herself this year at her new school. I am so proud of the young woman that she is becoming.  I consider myself so lucky to have two amazing children that never fail to remind of how special they really are.  I’m sure that a year from now I will probably have many more changes to reflect on too but for now I want to look to my future and not my past.

I have spent the last year ignoring the fact that I wasn’t dealing with the past.  I had this really great friend that was more than willing to let me ignore the past and pretend like everything was ok.  It wasn’t and in the process of the last year he became a crutch for my when I was sad or lost.  We weren’t in a relationship but I let the lines get blurred to the point that we ended up engaged for awhile.  I never loved him like that and he knew it but he was ok with that.  I knew it was wrong but I was devastated by my broken heart that wouldn’t heal.  He let me pretend everything was ok.  He made me think it was ok not to love him despite the fact that I constantly had doubts.  I finally realized that I was better off alone than living a lie.  Now it is time to move on from him so I can figure out who I really am today.

On another note, I never really let go of my ex. Now that he has come back into my world and completely turned it upside down I feel differently.  He doesn’t know what he wants that’s ok for him but not for me.  I refuse to be treated like an option.  I want to be someone’s priority not just an option in their lives.  He will always remain special to me in so many ways but now it is time to move on.  He has chosen to live his life in a way that I truly don’t  understand.  We have a lot of history but I think that’s all it is at this point.  I won’t be cruel and if things change and he asks me out I will give him a chance but I refuse to spend any more time focused on him. He is a great guy but maybe he’s just not the great guy that will make my world complete.

Tomorrow I will wake up to yet another birthday but one thing I have come to realize is that life is too short to focus on the negative in life.  I plan to be happy.  I want to meet new people and experience new things.  I want to go out and have fun not sit at home and be sad.  In the next month I will go through all sorts of significant events in my life but I know that whatever happens my faith in God will carry me through.