I’ve written about this movement before but today I got a chance to share it with someone in Bolivia. So Freddy is in charge of assisting all the volunteers and he first noticed my cross that I bought in Toledo , Spain. He asked me if I was Catholic. I told him that I was Protestant! Then he noticed my bracelet. He asked me who was first if I was second. I told him God. He beamed at me! It was an incredible feeling to be able to share my faith here in Bolivia. In the US most people have heard of the movement or they just don’t ask. It made me feel even better about my trip to Bolivia.
As a teacher I am held to a higher standard when it comes to morality and behavior. I have often thought that this concept was a bit outdated because we are all human and no one is perfect. I have always been especially careful about hugging students or being too close to them. Every teacher has had a student that they really connect with where the lines might have gotten blurred but they still manage to maintain professionalism because of expectations. I am relatively close to my yearbook editors this year but I haven’t let it impact my job. I’m sure you are wondering why I would choose to write about this particular topic now. Today I texted my ex because I was concerned about him. It turns out he is really struggling right now because he’s been accused of not being professional with his students. The principal actually told him his job is on the line and he’s really worried because he’s happy at our district and doesn’t want to have to find another job. This is such a hard issue for me because I can honestly see both sides of this situation. I know that the ex is a great man that would never have an inappropriate relationship with a student. I also know that he is way to casual with students. He is too involved in their activities outside of class which creates a sense of closeness with the kids that probably shouldn’t be there. He is a man of faith and I tried to remind him that he needs to have faith that God will provide. I think the hardest thing for me is the fact that I have to watch him beat himself up. He is so hard on himself and I know that this situation will be no different. It is hard to watch someone you love struggle in life. I know that there is nothing I can do but be there and listen but I wish I could fix it for him.
Today in church I heard two very important messages. The first has to do with the parable of the sower and the seed. We started Sunday school this morning reading the parable of the sower and the seed. I have heard the story many times but I got something completely different from the story this morning. One of the things that our teacher focused on this morning was the fact that Jesus used parables to reach the everyday people that could relate to the situations in the parables. Another thing he focused on was the fact that Jesus used the parables so that the people that were open to God’s word would get fulfillment from the parables but those that weren’t ready for God’s word would think they had just heard a good story. Another aspect that we focused on was the idea that if we have Christ in our life that our lives should bear fruit. We have discussed this concept many times before but today I sat in class wondering whether or not my life bears the fruit that it should. I know I am saved and I know that God’s word has an impact on my heart every time I study the bible either in Sunday school or even at home on my own. So I hear his words and I want to live my life the way he intends for me too. My biggest issue is that lately I’ve been feeling a little lost in terms of direction in my life. I feel like I should leave my ex behind but my heart just won’t let go. I pray for guidance and stength to endure whatever I need to move on with my life. I feel like everytime I start getting in a good place with my feelings, he comes back into my life in a way that prevents me from getting over him.
The second message I received today came from our actual worship service. We were studying Colossians and the pastor was preaching about community and the fact that in order to worship effectively you must be a part of a community. He referred to the type of people that we are expected to be which is compassionate, kind, humble, meek and patient. The pastor spoke about the difficulty of acheiving these goals within ourselves. The thing that struck me the most is that he emphasized that we should forgive those in our church community just like we were forgiven by Jesus. He preached about peace and joy and the idea that we should be thankful for our community. It is so interesting to me because he also mentioned that when we talk to God we won’t always have joy or be happy. I can completely relate to what he is saying. There have been days that I have heard exactly what I needed to go forward in a positive light but there have been just as many times that I have wallked out of chuch with a heavy heart. I have felt guilt or sadness over the words that have touched my soul during church services. I think it is important for us to remember that church isn’t always about things that make you feel good. God is going to tell you what you need to hear whether you like it or not. The key is whether or not you are actually listening to his words. I have struggled to hear God’s plan for me lately so this morning was really good for me.
So I have often wondered about these words because I always hear in church that God will answer prayers in his time not ours. The part I don’t understand is the prayers that he never answers no matter how much you pray. I got my heart broken into a million pieces almost two years ago and every since that happened I have prayed that God would take away the pain and help me let go of my ex. Of course the only prayer he answered was the one about the pain. After awhile I stopped feeling so much pain but the love never went away or even diminished. I thought I was pretty much over the ex last August when I went back to school. I knew I still loved him but I had stopped thinking about him all the time and I had cut off the majority of my contact with him. Then what does he do? He comes back into my life with the guise of being worried about me because of the death of my father. Then he acts like he wants us to try again. During this time period I started thinking that maybe God had left me feeling this way because we were supposed to be together. Early last fall the ex went to a Garth Brooks concert with his daugther and he posted a video of the concert with him singing Unanswered Prayers. He has a beautiful voice and I honestly thought it was God’s will bringing us back together. Obviously I was in some sort of stupor because we never got back together and we are not exactly in a good place at the moment. The crazy thing is that I have kept praying for resolution or closure when it comes to him but I still haven’t managed to get it. It has been almost two years and I still love him so much. It is just something about the way it makes me feel to be around him. When we are together it is like nothing has ever changed between us but then he will just get really cold. I want to move on and get over him completely but I haven’t figured out why God won’t show me the way to do that. I know I will probably never love anyone the way I loved him but I would still like to fall in love again. I would still like to have a future with someone else. So I guess I have to just keep waiting on God to answer that prayer.
I realized today while I was sitting in church that I have been looking at things the wrong way. I decided to travel to Bolivia while I was sitting in church the first Sunday of the year. I remembered today that the reason I decided to volunteer in Bolivia was bout giving back and having a new lease on life. My relationship status has impacted my attitude. I let my disappointment over the paramedic impact all the other good things I have in my life. I would still like to have a boyfriend in my life that I can share things with both good and bad but I know that the most important thing in my life is my faith. I have to remember that God comes first and foremost and everything is second just like the bracelet I wear all the time. I have to remember that my life is amazing. I have these two great children that make me proud every day and a great job. I have been blessed with the ability to achieve an advanced education and the ability to buy a home for my family.
I’m still not sure that I should have asked my ex out but I have decided to put it all in God’s hands. if we are supposed to go out than God will make sure it happens. If not, than he will put additional obstacles in our way. At the very least I want to maintain my friendship with my ex because he knows me really well and he really does help me out a lot. I will eventually meet the man I am supposed to spend my life with but until then I need to be patient and leave it in God’s hands. I need to focus on the amazing things I will be able to bring into my classroom through my trip to Spain. I also need to focus on the return to the basic strategies for learning when I start teaching in Bolivia. I need to focus on what’s important in my life. I don’t need to worry about the things I am lacking. This time I have spent single over the past few months has been really good for me. Maybe God just thinks I need a little more time so that I can focus my energies on him. I felt like for the purposes of this post I would share a picture of my bracelet. i wear this all the time but I think sometimes it is still necessary to be reminded about its meaning!!!
This morning while I was in church listening to my pastor talk about the fact that all Christians need to continue to grow, I was moved to pursue an idea I’ve had for awhile. I have had a dream of going to another country to teach for quite sometime. I want to go on a mission trip so that I can give back. I have been so fortunate in my life and there are so many people that have so much less than I do. I think it would be an amazing experience to work with people from another country and culture. So I got on the Internet and started searching for opportunities to volunteer in another country. I found several opportunities for English teachers as well as literacy teachers and training other teachers. My master’s puts me in a great position to work training other teachers. I want to eventually work as a literacy coach so the idea of training other teachers in another country is extremely appealing. I still plan to talk to my superintendent about a new job as a literacy coach for next school year but i think this might be a great way to spend part of my summer. I have already talked to my mom and she agreed to help take care of my children and my house. I know it wouldn’t be easy but it would probably be an amazing experience. I would be able to fulfill a dream of mine and give back at the same time. I read an article today and one of the things it talked about was making a bucket list of things you wanted to do when you’re single in order to prepare yourself for being in a future relationship. When I first read the article I couldn’t think of anything I really wanted to do on my own but now all of a sudden I have found two interesting things that I wouldn’t mind doing on my own. I also found a trip for teachers that would take me to Spain for Spring Break. I’m not sure that I could raise the money for the Spring Break Trip in time but it was still pretty cool. I think maybe I have just realized that it is time to do things on my own and quite worrying about other people. My ex has got his own issues and hangups that have absolutely nothing to do with me. I need to live for me and I think 2016 might be the perfect year to start truly living by that philosophy. Life is short and I refuse to sit around and just wait on my dreams to come true. I need to get out and live my life.