What Might Have Been

So as I sat down to write tonight I realized that I was supposed to be married on Saturday. It is really strange when I think about everything that has happened since August when my fiance and I split up. I should never have gotten engaged or agreed to marry him but it is still a loss in my life. He was my best friend  for a year.  He is probably my soulmate, not because I was so in love  with him but more because he knows me better than anyone else ever has before.  He truly understood me inside and out.  He knew how to deal with my changing moods and my incredibly fickle attitude when it comes to intimacy. We loved each other very much but we weren’t right for each other in terms of a relationship. Now I am reminded of the plans we had made!  It seems like another lifetime ago now but yet its right there on the surface!  I leave for Spain on Saturday which is a good  thing because I honestly need to get away from everything and everybody right now!

Advertisements

Sleep Debrivation

I was diagnosed with bronchitis yesterday which is nothing new for me.  I have suffered from chronic bronchitis for many years.  It is always the same, I go to the doctor and get antibiotics and prescription cough syrup and eventually I feel better. The issue is that I get on a plane Saturday for Spain. I feel a bit better but at the same time I can’t believe that I’m going to be traveling in less than a week. I have looked forward to this trip for so long and now I’m sick.  I have most of my packing done except for the last minute items. I still need to finish my lesson plans for this week and I’m not looking forward to that because I’m so tired.  My biggest issue right now is that I got no sleep last night and it was impossible to nap today.  I keep coughing which is literally driving me crazy. I really hope I can sleep tonight but I’m not counting on it. I have to get well which requires sleep.  Why is it that the medication always keeps me from sleeping? 

Day 3 of 2016

This morning while I was in church listening to my pastor talk about the fact that all Christians need to continue to grow, I was moved to pursue an idea I’ve had for awhile. I have had a dream of going to another country to teach for quite sometime.  I want to go on a mission trip so that I can give back.  I have been so fortunate in my life and there are so many people that have so much less than I do.  I think it would be an amazing experience to work with people from another country and culture.  So I got on the Internet and started searching for opportunities to volunteer in another country.  I found several opportunities for English teachers as well as literacy teachers and training other teachers.  My master’s puts me in a great position to work training other teachers.  I want to eventually work as a literacy coach so the idea of training other teachers in another country is extremely appealing.  I still plan to talk to my superintendent about a new job as a literacy coach for next school year but i think this might be a great way to spend part of my summer.  I have already talked to my mom and she agreed to help take care of my children and my house.  I know it wouldn’t be easy but it would probably be an amazing experience. I would be able to fulfill a dream of mine and give back at the same time. I read an article today and one of the things it talked about was making a bucket list of things you wanted to do when you’re single in order to prepare yourself for being in a future relationship. When I first read the article I couldn’t think of anything I really wanted to do on my own but now all of a sudden I have found two interesting things that I wouldn’t mind doing on my own.  I also found a trip for teachers that would take me to Spain for Spring Break.  I’m not sure that I could raise the money for the Spring Break Trip in time but it was still pretty cool.  I think maybe I have just realized that it is time to do things on my own and quite worrying about other people.  My ex has got his own issues and hangups that have absolutely nothing to do with me.  I need to live for me and I think 2016 might be the perfect year to start truly living by that philosophy.  Life is short and I refuse to sit around and just wait on my dreams to come true.  I need to get out and live my life.

Day 2 of 2016

I have been planning to have an old tattoo covered up for quite awhile.  Today I finally went to a tattoo artist that specializes in cover ups and took him the design I am interested in. He said the design should work pretty well and so he is currently working on the final design for me.  We have an appointment to start the new tattoo on January 31st.  It is going to cost me a fortune but I’m looking forward to having it done.

I am keeping up with my bible app and so far I’ve completed the first two days. I haven’t exercised yet today because I was in a hurry this morning but I plan to complete my exercises before I go to bed.  I am not completely back on my diet but I am trying to cut back on things that i don’t need to be eating.

I am definitely keeping a positive outlook for the new year.  I feel for my mom though because she is incredibly lonely.  She told me today that she is lost right now.  She kept telling me that she didn’t understand why she felt that way.  I kept telling her that I completely understand where she’s coming from.  I understand being lonely and I understand feeling lost.

Right now I choose to focus on the positive aspects of my life instead of the negative.  God will take care of me as long as I put everything in his hands.  I watched “War Room” again last night and it reminded me of the reason why praying is so important. I know that my ex needs prayers as he approaches the year anniversary of his grandmother’s death and then his father’s death.  My former best friend needs prayers too.  I don’t know where he is in his journey dealing with his addiction but I know he needs prayer. I may not choose to be a part of his life anymore but I still don’t want anything bad to happen to him. I keep hoping that he will figure out a way to get his life together.

Graduation Day

So graduation is over.  I am officially a graduate of UTA.  I have officially obtained my master’s degree.  I was really proud of my self because I only teared up one time and it wasn’t while I was walking across the stage.  In all honesty it felt so good to be able to just be happy about what I have accomplished.  When it was all said and done it was just my mom and the kids with me to celebrate this accomplishment but that’s ok.  My family was there and they are the most important people in my life anyway.  i don’t know if I’ll pursue anymore education over the next few years or not but at least I know that regardless of what I do my family will be there to support me.  It was so wonderful to see the looks on my kids faces and to know how proud they were of me tonight.11226177_1699104853643138_7370168095060539411_n

I had a piece of my dad with me too!!!

12371210_1698992390321051_6540531761389397918_o

Butterfly Kisses

So tonight I was on the way back to the high school where I work to watch a girls’ basketball game when I made the decision to listen to a song I hadn’t heard in quite awhile. I listened to the Bob Carlisle version of Butterfly Kisses.  I know I have been extremely emotional lately but I never expected my reaction to the song tonight.  I guess I should give you some background.  Almost 18 years ago when I got married the first time, my dad and I danced to this song at my wedding.  I made my dad cry twice that day.  The first time was when we were walking down the aisle together.  We were both crying almost the whole way down the aisle.  The second time I made my dad cry that day was when he heard this song.  I never would tell him what we were going to dance to so he was completely blindsided.  This afternoon I was bawling by the time I got to the end of the song.  This particular song has always made me emotional but in the wake of everything else it was just too much.  I hate that I’m so incredibly emotional right now but it just seems like the smallest things bring me to tears lately.  I am so thankful for all the memories I have of my dad.  I am thankful for all the years I had with him.  Tomorrow is a significant day in my life where I get to show the world that hard work really pays off.  My dad would have been so proud of me tomorrow.  i know he will always be with me but I would give just about anything to be able to hug him tomorrow after graduation.  I’m not only getting my master’s but I’m getting it from the school he used to work for.  He always wanted me to go there when I got my undergrad but it wasn’t what I wanted.  Now for grad school he finally got his wish but he didn’t make it long enough to share it with me.  I have realized so many things in the last few months since he died but the thing that sticks with me more than anything is the fact that i am truly my father’s daughter.  So tomorrow when I graduate I’m going to have the words my father’s daughter across my hat so that I can honor him. I love you dad!!!!!

 

Graduation is Getting Real

I got home today and I had finally received my class ring in the mail.  I was so excited.  I’m really happy with the way it turned out.  I can hardly believe that as of Saturday I will have graduated with my master’s degree.  I think my kids are almost as excited as I am.  My mom is so excited that she asked me today if she needs to come over on Friday night and I of course told her there was no need.  I also told her that I didn’t want to see her before noon on Saturday either.  I want to be able to sleep on my first day of Christmas Vacation.

On another note the ex sent me the oddest message last night.  He had upset me about graduation earlier and I had been a bit rude about it so i figured I wouldn’t hear from him again yesterday.  Then I got this text from him that was a screen shot of Facebook and a post from my former best friend.  I blocked my former best friend for a reason and it wasn’t so that someone else could tell me what he said.  Then he made a comment about the fact that someone was having trouble not talking to me.  I don’t get it.  I don’t understand why he would choose to make me deal with all that crap with my former best friend.  He knows that I don’t ever want to see him or talk to him ever again.  I don’t think he expected my reaction though.  I told him I miss my best friend.  I do miss him because he’s been there for me through everything for the last year.  I am completely alone now.  I’m starting to feel like I can’t trust anybody anymore.  My ex says he’s my friend but then he lets me down over and over.  I’m at a point in my life where I want people that I can count on as my friends.  The crazy thing is that my ex acts like he’s jealous of my former best friend.  I have no idea why he would be jealous of someone that I don’t even want to see or talk to ever again.  Why does everything have to be so incredibly complicated?

My Sense of Accomplishment

I just finished my last grad school assignment.  I can hardly believe that my coursework is done.  I can finally get my life back!!  I can be the mother my children deserve and start working on my health.  I have gained so much weight the last few months.  It is time to work on my diet and my exercise routine.  I need to take some time for me.  I deserve a massage. I did finally find a partner in crime for a haunted house this year.  i can’t wait.  We are going to do dinner, drinks, haunted house and then I’m going to help her make cookies for her cheerleaders.

I still haven’t talked to my ex but I’m ok.  He knows where I am if he misses me and right now it is more important to worry about me.  I haven’t even seen him since Monday but I know I will see him tomorrow because we are both performing in the pep rally.  Oh well life is short and I’m not going to waste my time waiting on someone else to wake up and realize what he is letting walk out of his life.  He lost me once and I thought that would teach him but apparently he is still oblivious.

Almost Done

I just turned in my second to last assignment for my last grad class.  I’m not even sure how to feel at this moment.  I have one more assignment that is due on Saturday but I plan to work on it tomorrow and maybe I’ll be able to turn it in tomorrow.  I can’t believe I’m almost done.  It feels like I have been working on this degree forever in one respect but in another it seems like I just started. I have no idea what I’m going to do with myself when I’m finally done.

I know that I plan to start working out again because I want to lose about fifteen pounds that I have gained over the last few months from stress.  I’m actually looking forward to getting back into shape because i have been feeling terrible with my current diet.  I plan to go back on the Paleo diet and start back up on T-25.  Life will be interesting over the next few months.

Countdown

I am literally ten days away from finishing my master’s degree.  I can’t hardly believe that I’m almost done.  I got an email from UTA about graduation today and now it feels really official.  It is time to RSVP for my graduation tickets and order my cap and gown.  I already ordered my class ring and it should be here in a couple of months.  It so hard to believe that this time two years ago I had just applied to grad school and I was waiting to find out whether or not I was accepted.  My mom told me today that she would love it if I went ahead and got my PhD.  I’m not sure I’m up for that but it is something I may consider at some point.  My life is so different today than it was a year ago.  I am sad that I’m taking the last part of this journey without my dad but at the same time I know I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him.

On another note, I am now only three days away from my date with the ex. Well I’m calling it a date.  I asked him to go to a Halloween party with me.  He said that he would as long as he didn’t have Rangers tickets.  Well the Rangers lost tonight so I guess he’s stuck with me Saturday night.  It’s weird because we haven’t been around anyone else since we’ve been talking again so I’m really nervous about him going to the party with me.  I know it is a little silly because we spent last Saturday night together and it was amazing.  I don’t want to rush anything with him and I don’t want to make him nervous.  I just want to have a lot of fun with him at the party and then fall asleep in his arms Saturday night.  I may not get all of that but I can’t help wanting it.  Love is strange sometimes.