So as I sat down to write tonight I realized that I was supposed to be married on Saturday. It is really strange when I think about everything that has happened since August when my fiance and I split up. I should never have gotten engaged or agreed to marry him but it is still a loss in my life. He was my best friend for a year. He is probably my soulmate, not because I was so in love with him but more because he knows me better than anyone else ever has before. He truly understood me inside and out. He knew how to deal with my changing moods and my incredibly fickle attitude when it comes to intimacy. We loved each other very much but we weren’t right for each other in terms of a relationship. Now I am reminded of the plans we had made! It seems like another lifetime ago now but yet its right there on the surface! I leave for Spain on Saturday which is a good thing because I honestly need to get away from everything and everybody right now!
I was diagnosed with bronchitis yesterday which is nothing new for me. I have suffered from chronic bronchitis for many years. It is always the same, I go to the doctor and get antibiotics and prescription cough syrup and eventually I feel better. The issue is that I get on a plane Saturday for Spain. I feel a bit better but at the same time I can’t believe that I’m going to be traveling in less than a week. I have looked forward to this trip for so long and now I’m sick. I have most of my packing done except for the last minute items. I still need to finish my lesson plans for this week and I’m not looking forward to that because I’m so tired. My biggest issue right now is that I got no sleep last night and it was impossible to nap today. I keep coughing which is literally driving me crazy. I really hope I can sleep tonight but I’m not counting on it. I have to get well which requires sleep. Why is it that the medication always keeps me from sleeping?
This morning while I was in church listening to my pastor talk about the fact that all Christians need to continue to grow, I was moved to pursue an idea I’ve had for awhile. I have had a dream of going to another country to teach for quite sometime. I want to go on a mission trip so that I can give back. I have been so fortunate in my life and there are so many people that have so much less than I do. I think it would be an amazing experience to work with people from another country and culture. So I got on the Internet and started searching for opportunities to volunteer in another country. I found several opportunities for English teachers as well as literacy teachers and training other teachers. My master’s puts me in a great position to work training other teachers. I want to eventually work as a literacy coach so the idea of training other teachers in another country is extremely appealing. I still plan to talk to my superintendent about a new job as a literacy coach for next school year but i think this might be a great way to spend part of my summer. I have already talked to my mom and she agreed to help take care of my children and my house. I know it wouldn’t be easy but it would probably be an amazing experience. I would be able to fulfill a dream of mine and give back at the same time. I read an article today and one of the things it talked about was making a bucket list of things you wanted to do when you’re single in order to prepare yourself for being in a future relationship. When I first read the article I couldn’t think of anything I really wanted to do on my own but now all of a sudden I have found two interesting things that I wouldn’t mind doing on my own. I also found a trip for teachers that would take me to Spain for Spring Break. I’m not sure that I could raise the money for the Spring Break Trip in time but it was still pretty cool. I think maybe I have just realized that it is time to do things on my own and quite worrying about other people. My ex has got his own issues and hangups that have absolutely nothing to do with me. I need to live for me and I think 2016 might be the perfect year to start truly living by that philosophy. Life is short and I refuse to sit around and just wait on my dreams to come true. I need to get out and live my life.
I have been planning to have an old tattoo covered up for quite awhile. Today I finally went to a tattoo artist that specializes in cover ups and took him the design I am interested in. He said the design should work pretty well and so he is currently working on the final design for me. We have an appointment to start the new tattoo on January 31st. It is going to cost me a fortune but I’m looking forward to having it done.
I am keeping up with my bible app and so far I’ve completed the first two days. I haven’t exercised yet today because I was in a hurry this morning but I plan to complete my exercises before I go to bed. I am not completely back on my diet but I am trying to cut back on things that i don’t need to be eating.
I am definitely keeping a positive outlook for the new year. I feel for my mom though because she is incredibly lonely. She told me today that she is lost right now. She kept telling me that she didn’t understand why she felt that way. I kept telling her that I completely understand where she’s coming from. I understand being lonely and I understand feeling lost.
Right now I choose to focus on the positive aspects of my life instead of the negative. God will take care of me as long as I put everything in his hands. I watched “War Room” again last night and it reminded me of the reason why praying is so important. I know that my ex needs prayers as he approaches the year anniversary of his grandmother’s death and then his father’s death. My former best friend needs prayers too. I don’t know where he is in his journey dealing with his addiction but I know he needs prayer. I may not choose to be a part of his life anymore but I still don’t want anything bad to happen to him. I keep hoping that he will figure out a way to get his life together.
So graduation is over. I am officially a graduate of UTA. I have officially obtained my master’s degree. I was really proud of my self because I only teared up one time and it wasn’t while I was walking across the stage. In all honesty it felt so good to be able to just be happy about what I have accomplished. When it was all said and done it was just my mom and the kids with me to celebrate this accomplishment but that’s ok. My family was there and they are the most important people in my life anyway. i don’t know if I’ll pursue anymore education over the next few years or not but at least I know that regardless of what I do my family will be there to support me. It was so wonderful to see the looks on my kids faces and to know how proud they were of me tonight.
I had a piece of my dad with me too!!!
So tonight I was on the way back to the high school where I work to watch a girls’ basketball game when I made the decision to listen to a song I hadn’t heard in quite awhile. I listened to the Bob Carlisle version of Butterfly Kisses. I know I have been extremely emotional lately but I never expected my reaction to the song tonight. I guess I should give you some background. Almost 18 years ago when I got married the first time, my dad and I danced to this song at my wedding. I made my dad cry twice that day. The first time was when we were walking down the aisle together. We were both crying almost the whole way down the aisle. The second time I made my dad cry that day was when he heard this song. I never would tell him what we were going to dance to so he was completely blindsided. This afternoon I was bawling by the time I got to the end of the song. This particular song has always made me emotional but in the wake of everything else it was just too much. I hate that I’m so incredibly emotional right now but it just seems like the smallest things bring me to tears lately. I am so thankful for all the memories I have of my dad. I am thankful for all the years I had with him. Tomorrow is a significant day in my life where I get to show the world that hard work really pays off. My dad would have been so proud of me tomorrow. i know he will always be with me but I would give just about anything to be able to hug him tomorrow after graduation. I’m not only getting my master’s but I’m getting it from the school he used to work for. He always wanted me to go there when I got my undergrad but it wasn’t what I wanted. Now for grad school he finally got his wish but he didn’t make it long enough to share it with me. I have realized so many things in the last few months since he died but the thing that sticks with me more than anything is the fact that i am truly my father’s daughter. So tomorrow when I graduate I’m going to have the words my father’s daughter across my hat so that I can honor him. I love you dad!!!!!