At 43 you don’t expect to be so sick that you can barely get out of bed for days. I have been sick now for almost two weeks and it wasn’t until yesterday afternoon that I knew what was wrong with me. As it turns out I have a bacterial infection in my colon that is most likely caused from my time in the ER about a month ago. I have literally felt like death and according to the nurse at my doctor’s office it might be a week before I feel much better. I am finally on the right course of treatment which will hopefully help but it is amazing how miserable you can become in such a short time.
As I have struggled just to perform the minimal tasks my children have needed, I have realized that I can only really depend on myself in life. I have worried a lot about relationships and the need for companionship over the last few years but I am just fine by myself. I spent an entire weekend not talking to anyone other than my mother and my kids. I didn’t even miss the men in my life. I have come to realize that my ex is nice to spend time with but he isn’t a candidate for a long term relationship. I’m okay by myself and for now I am just going to focus on my kids and school. My mom and I are taking an amazing trip in a little over a month and I just need to be thankful for my many blessings. My kids will be gone in a few years and if I am alone after they are gone it will be okay. I have come to appreciate not having to worry about anyone else when it comes to making decisions regarding my future.
A year ago today I started talking to my ex. It is really weird when you think about it because I have spent the last year with him in and out of my life. Of course he has spent most of that time in my life. There are times that I wonder what makes us keep coming back to each other but for whatever reason it keeps happening. I went out with him on Saturday night and that was the first time I’ve seen him in quite awhile. We went to the movies, dinner and then we ended up in a hotel room. When we are together I feel like the most special woman in the world. He’s protective, attentive and very affectionate but then after we are together he seems to grow distant again. We went through a lot last week and at one point I was totally against seeing him again but then he convinced me that we could try again. I have no idea where things between us will go but for whatever reason I am not ready to just walk away. We took a picture the other night and I put it next to the first picture we took together back in January and we both look so different. It is amazing what can happen over the course of a year.
The picture on the left was in January and the one on the right was last Saturday!
Tomorrow I go back to work after having a week off from school. It is crazy how quickly the time has gone by and how many things have changed for me this week. I actually started dating again this week. I finally told me ex today that I was dating but that my heart still belonged to him. His first question was whether I was dating anyone exclusively which I’m not. I went out with two separate guys over the last few days. They are both younger than me and although I like them both well enough, they really don’t measure up to my ex. I know it’s not a competition and I know it is not fair to compare other people to my ex. We had a very emotional conversation today which left me in tears. He told me today that if he felt like he could commit and give me the time I deserve that he would. He also told me he still loved me. I just really don’t understand why we can’t be together. I want him and no one else. I know that I have to keep moving forward and that I can’t just hold on to him but it is so hard to do that. I still love him so much!!
I decided today that even though I know my ex and I will never be what we were, I also know that I can’t just walk away from him. I told him today that I still want to see him. He gives me things that I just don’t get from or with anyone else. I know I should probably try to move on and I haven’t given up on that but for now I am going to include him in my life. I might be making a huge mistake but I just can’t let him go right now. He still wants to see me so I guess we are going to keep seeing each other despite the fact that things aren’t the way I want them to be.
My birthday is less than a week away and my kids just got back from shopping for my birthday with my best friend. We had a really rough holiday season last year because my kids didn’t make plans to go shopping for me. They just expected me to make sure that I provided them with an opportunity to go shopping without me. It is always so hard because as a single mom I don’t necessarily have anyone to help them with things like that. My ex-husband, their dad, doesn’t do anything for me ever. I don’t really expect him too but it would be nice if he would do it for them not me. I am really lucky that my best friend steps in to help out.
Thanksgiving is just days away. I have a lot in my life to be thankful for. I have two amazing children, a job that is fulfilling, and a home to live in. I have a great relationship with my mom and both of my children. I also have a best friend that is always there when I need him. I am very lucky.
I also know that I need to focus on what’s important to me and my future. I need to work hard towards finishing my Dual Credit Certification and I need to start working on finding another job. I have realized lately that I just don’t belong in my current school. I enjoy being in a much more culturally diverse school. My current school is predominantly white. I really miss my old school.
I also need to focus on doing everything I can to help my daughter get into college. I can’t hardly believe that she will graduate in just a year and a half. I am going to miss her so much once she graduates from high school.
So a lot has happened since the last time I wrote. My son got cast in two more shows at school and I saw my ex again. I wasn’t planning on it but a couple of weeks ago I sent him a text out of the blue and I told him I missed him. He texted me back pretty quickly and we started talking again just like that. A few days later we saw each other. I still don’t know how to feel or think about him. I know I should walk away but I still love him very much. I went out on a date with someone else not long before I saw him and it was fun but I knew I couldn’t see him again. He was nice and really smart but I just didn’t want to start something with someone that lives so far away and that has young kids. I guess you could say that I am pretty gun shy after my ex. I am trying to be aware of issues from the beginning because I didn’t listen to my instincts with my ex. He told me that our issues weren’t a problem but ultimately they were a problem. I just don’t want to get hurt again.
I also lost another former student in the last couple of weeks. She was killed in a car accident on a really rainy Wednesday. I went to the funeral on Friday and it was so incredibly sad. She was so young and she had her whole life ahead of her. Every time I have to go to a funeral for a student I feel like I lose a piece of me. You spend a year with these kids and they take of piece of you with them no matter what. I was really close to her because she was one of my yearbook editors my first year to sponsor yearbook. She had the most beautiful and smile and I think that is what I will probably remember most about her. In the process of hearing and processing every thing about my student, it put me in contact with my previous ex. It was weird to have any kind of communication with him but at the same time it was good that the two of us could talk about things and then move on. I appreciated his concern and him passing on information. I am glad that the two of us are past the point of things being so weird that we can do things like that for each other.
I was really sad at the funeral and after because I realized that my life is really not where I want it to be. I have been married and divorced twice. Both my ex-husbands have moved on and married again and seem to be happy. I am stuck in a cycle of relationships where I get my heart broken and then have to start over. I am starting to think there is just something wrong with me. I honestly don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone but I am almost 43 and I’m not even in a relationship. I don’t even have the prospect of a relationship. When I met my ex almost a year ago I was in a great place. I was okay by myself but I was open to being with someone too. He came into my life and I fell head over heels in love with him which was completely stupid because he was on the re-bound from his third divorce and he was in no way ready for me. I thought he loved me but then he just walked away without so much as a goodbye. I know that we have been back and forth the last few months and I should really just walk away from him completely but for some reason I am just really having a hard time. The other parts of my life are pretty good but for some reason my love life stinks. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever really find love. Of course maybe I am just a little depressed because I just buried a 21 year-old student and I am still pining for my ex a week before my birthday. I probably just need to get over myself and be happy for all the good things in my life since that is what Thanksgiving is all about.
Last night was our second annual Halloween Party for my teenagers. I have to say I think it was a success. All the kids were laughing and having a good time which is always a positive sign. It was a costume party and all the kids were dressed up as very different things. They listened to music, told stories, played Taboo and another game called Murder at Midnight. Needless to say they were all happy and very respectful kids. I love getting to know my kids friends. I also love offering a safe place for my kids to interact with their friends. Teenagers can get into trouble under the wrong circumstances but I think if more parents would allow their kids to have friends over like I did last night things would be better for everyone. Here are just a few of the pictures from the party.
So it is interesting how you can love someone so much but in the end you realize the struggle is just not worth it. Wednesday morning I finally decided I’d had enough. I guess you could say that I realized all the bullshit he was giving me was just that bullshit. We hadn’t seen each other in over a month but yet he tried to tell me that he missed me. He tried to tell me that he wanted to see me but things were just busy. I guess you could say I finally called him on his bullshit. I sent him a message on Wednesday morning and told him that our situation no longer worked for me. He never even responded which didn’t even surprise me. Oh well at least I finally got the closure that I never got last spring when he just disappeared from my life after five months. I have no idea why things worked out the way they did between us but I know it is definitely time for me to move on. It is so strange because I’m not even really upset. I had grown so bored and just plain indifferent when it came to him that I am just relieved to know that I don’t have to deal with the lies and bullshit anymore. I still love him but I know that we aren’t meant to be together so it is time to leave myself open for the man that I am supposed to be with.
I have talked about my first love before but now it is part of my challenge. We met when we were 14 and 15. We only dated a few months when we first got together but I still fell in love. We remained in each other’s lives for the next six years. After that I didn’t talk to him for several years but no matter how many years we spent away from each other, somehow we always found a way back to each other. He helped me get through my first divorce and he remains one of my closet friends even now. We don’t see each other very often but we do try and get together twice a year on our birthdays. Here is my first love and I in August at the Pudge Rodriguez Hall of Fame Game.
So I was born on November 25th so I am a Sagittarius but I am a cusp of Scorpio because my birthday falls in the first three days of the sign. I would say that it mostly fits my personality. I am stubborn and I tend to be private which might seem surprising considering what I post on my blog but in real life I am. I love people but I also love to spend time alone. I would say that the one thing about my sign that doesn’t exactly fit is how I feel about relationships. I enjoy being in relationships as long as they are healthy. I am also not a proponent of cheating despite the way they make my sign out to be. I won’t say that I have never cheated but it made me feel awful and I always ended my relationship right away. I do tend to get more mellow with age but I think that is pretty normal for most people.