Weird Arrangements

So my ex and I have spent time together on a regular basis for several months but lately he always wants me to come to his house. Until recently he wouldn’t even let me come to his house because he’s trying to remodel it. Now he tells me that it’s more comfortable for me to come to his house. I enjoy spending time with him so I have been making the trek to Hillsboro but I really wish he would come to me. We don’t have anything to do in Hillsboro so it’s not as much fun to go there to see him. I haven’t seen him since last Thursday which isn’t so long but I really want to see him this weekend. I know it’s hard for him because he just recently became a single dad to a teenage son. I have been a single mom for a very long time but I know how hard it can be if you’re not used to it. Oh well I guess Friday night I will drive to Hillsboro again so that I can spend time with him even though I wish things were different.

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Naked

So today I finally reached out and I responded to my ex. I was very noncommittal at first but I ultimately agreed to see him again. He responded almost immediately with an invitation to go out Friday night. We talked back and forth before we agreed to go out but I realized that I am naked when it comes to him. I have allowed myself to be completely vulnerable with him. The new James Arthur song makes me think a little about my situation with him every time I hear it.

James Arthur Video

He also told me today that there is hope for us for the future. I’m not sure if that’s ever going to happen but I know that I would love for that to be true. For now I guess I will leave my feelings naked and open to the man I love and hope for the best.

Contact

So after the fight last week I honestly didn’t expect to hear from my ex. Usually when we get in a fight I have to text him to end our radio silence. He actually shocked me when he not only texted me around lunch but he also apologized. I’m still angry about what happened especially after I read his message and realized that he got the wrong idea about what I was saying last week anyway. I wanted to know about what he wanted for the future. I wasn’t asking him for a relationship and I was accusing him of using me but that is what he got out of our conversation. Sometimes I really hate texting with people. I haven’t responded to his message yet because I’m really not sure what to say. I want to forgive him because the whole thing was obviously a misunderstanding but I’m just not ready to let go of my anger.

How am I going to tell him that I have a date Wednesday or that I am talking to like three other guys? I guess the part that drives me the craziest is that I want to be able to run right back to him and forget about everyone else. These guys I’m talking to are nice but they aren’t him. Why do I have to want him so badly? Why can’t I just walk away? Will I ever be free? Why do I love him so much?