Anger

I have been on a dating site off and on since November when the ex and I were barely talking anymore. I have talked to several people but I’ve only actually gone on three dates from the site. Two of them were in November right after I joined and the other was in March. I have paused the site membership at different times when I was spending a lot of time with my ex. The only thing wasn’t really that important to me. After the misunderstanding with the ex I started to realize that maybe it was time to open myself up to new people again so I unpaused my account. I feel like I have released the flood gates because now I seem to have all these guys interested in taking me out. Then this morning I looked at the site and I noticed that my ex has created a membership and even viewed my profile. Maybe I am being ridiculous but the whole thing really pissed me off. He knew I was on this site because I told him but we haven’t talked in almost a week and now he decides he needs to see my profile. I honestly feel a bit invaded by the whole thing. He could have picked any dating site he wanted but for whatever reason he chose the one I was on. Seeing his picture staring back at me from the app this morning sealed things for me. I know now that things are over between us. I was always hoping that things would turn out differently but I now I realize that’s not going to happen. Whether or not it makes sense, he has hurt me probably more than he will ever know. I knew that he didn’t want to be with me but that doesn’t mean I needed to be confronted with his decision to move on. I probably have a date on Wednesday and next weekend too so I plan to just focus on that and leave the past in the last. All the love I have for him is turning into hate and resentment. I would have given him everything but instead he just threw me away.

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Being Single

One of my students told me today that I need to hurry up and meet someone so that I don’t end up alone. I found it so strange because I am only 43 and I feel like I have a lot of life ahead of me. I definitely want to meet someone but it is not my only focus in life. I still have two teenagers that I need to finish raising  and I have things I still want to do in my life. I don’t just want to get into a relationship where I am completely tied down. I want to experience life and travel. I would even like to take a job in another country teaching. I think it would be great to just live somewhere else for awhile. I meet people fairly easily but I have noticed that the older I get the pickier I have become about the people that I will get involved with. I am very much my own person and I think that’s okay. I refuse to apologize for the person that I have become. I am secure in my own skin and I think that is what really matters.

 

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Misunderstanding

Have you ever been involved in a conversation that somehow went the wrong direction? What seemed so innocent turns into a conflict that you didn’t see coming? I was in the middle of an innocent conversation two days ago with the man I love when out of no where we were fighting. Now I am wondering whether or not I will ever hear from him again. We haven’t talked in two days. The last message I received from him involved him telling me that I should quit texting him because I was annoying him. Now I honestly don’t know what to think about anything. I refuse to contact him again because I think he overreacted to the situation. We were having the conversation through text messages which always leaves room for misunderstanding. I hate having important conversations through text. I hope we find a way to work things out but I’m honestly not very hopeful at this point.

I love him but we are in different places and we apparently want different things right now. I am honestly not sure if we will ever be able to come together again. He seems bound and determined not to be in a relationship anytime in the near future. I feel very differently because I don’t want to live my life alone. My daughter will graduate from high school in a year and my son only has three years left. I will literally have an empty nest in just a few short years. I want to be involved with someone that I can share my life with. I am tired of being alone.

Reflecting on the last 17 Years

These pictures don’t represent every year of her 17 years of life but they definitely represent some of my favorite memories.

So 17 years ago I was in a hospital in Dallas in full on labor with my daughter. My labor had started almost 24 hours before and it would still be another four hours before she was finally born on April 24, 2001 at 1:49 am. I honestly had all sorts of things that happened to me during my first pregnancy. I developed the dreaded pregnancy rash about 6 weeks before my daughter was born. Then after I went into labor my daughter went into fetal distress and I ended up having a c-section. After her birth, I was severely anemic and I almost had to have a blood transfusion. After a few weeks I began to fill somewhat normal again but my pregnancy triggered my hypothyroid disorder. It took about a year before they figured out what was wrong with my and by that time I was already pregnant with my son.

I’ll be honest, I created my best friend when I had my daughter. She has brought so much joy and happiness to my life. My daughter only has one more year of school after this year.  I can hardly believe that she is going to be leaving me in a year. I will honestly be lost without her. The last 17 years have gone by so quickly and I can hardly believe it’s almost over. I knew that becoming a mother would change me but I never expected to love someone as much as I love her.

Being a mother is incredible and even though the last 17 years start with my daughter, my son is also a big part of that life.

I love being a mother and I absolutely adore my children!!

 

I Love You

Three words that when spoken can have so many different meanings. It can mean please don’t leave me. It can mean that I need you. I love you has so many underlying themes and connotations associated with the words. I know in my heart that I love this man!!

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I have known him for almost a year and a half. We were in an actual relationship for only around five months but we have been a regular part of each other’s life for a year and a half. I still love him desperately but I rarely tell him because we are no longer in that kind of situation where it seems right. We have had some amazing conversations in the last few weeks and he even admitted to me that when we are together we are making love. Last night, we were making love and in the middle of it all I told him I loved him. He didn’t respond which is fine but it always makes me wish I had kept it to myself. My kids think he loves me and so does my best friend but he never expresses it to me verbally. The way that he touches me and communicates with me shows me that he cares but I’m honestly not sure if he still loves me.

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We made this picture last night.  We still have so much fun together and we still get along so well.  One day I may walk away from this man and move on with my life but for now it’s just not possible.  I have tried to walk away so many times but we are honestly not done with each other. So as of now all I can say is that I love him.

Sexual Identity

I spent the first thirty years of my life having a very unhealthy view of sex. I was raised by parents that really didn’t communicate with me in a positive and healthy way.  All my mom could focus on was the idea that if I had sex I was going to get pregnant.  She never focused on educating me or even trying to help me be smart about my choices or even my changing body. We came from completely different worlds and my mom couldn’t relate to mine at all because she was already married when she was 18 years-old. I got married at 23 myself after spending almost four years exclusively dating women. I honestly didn’t even like sex very much. Needless to say I never gave myself the opportunity to truly develop my own sexual identity.

At thirty everything changed for me. I had sexual desires that I had never experienced and all of a sudden I was horny and had a need to masturbate. I didn’t know how to deal with my feelings. I was in a marriage where I had little or no relationship with my husband and I had two small children so I was really busy. My husband honestly didn’t understand the changes in me and he judged me for my feelings. I think this situation led to the end of my marriage. After my divorce I went a little crazy because it was the first time I was able to experience sex in a more open and healthy way in my life.

I met what would later become my second husband a couple of months after I left my first husband. My second marriage was very different than the first in that we had a very healthy sexual relationship. I completely trusted him with my body and because of that we experimented quite a bit. I had anal sex with him for the first time and we even experimented with anal beads and nipple clamps. We went to topless bars together and we even had sex in a porn shop one night. The relationship was very exciting for both of us because we had both been in previous relationships where we couldn’t be open about sex. Unfortunately sex seems to be the only thing that really worked in our marriage and after only three and a half years we also got divorced.

I have had a few semi-serious relationships since my divorce that have all led me to my current partner. It took me awhile to really figure out what kind of man I really wanted. For some reason I kept being drawn to men that were semi-controlling and difficult. Men that let little things get the best of them. I finally realized that I didn’t want that kind of man in my life everyday. About a year and a half ago I met a man that is eight years older than me and very different than any man I’ve ever met before. We started a relationship and needless to say I fell helplessly in love with him. He is so different from other men that I have been with. He is an extremely sexual man with lots of experience. I had a threesome with him and his friend. I have had anal sex with him so many times. We have talked about experimenting with other things but time is an issue for us. We are no longer actively involved in a relationship but we still see each other and we still have sex. I still love him even though we aren’t officially together. We don’t just have sex we make love. We have intense, passionate, erotic and amazing sex. He makes me feel things I have never felt before. Now we are talking about experiencing more with anal penetration. I bought a kit yesterday that includes a butt plug and a prostate plug designed for men. I told him all about it and I think he is just as excited as I am.  Honestly I have never met a man that I could be so open and honest with when it comes to sex and just life in general. I completely trust him with my body so I know that whatever we do he will take care of me. It may seem crazy but I can’t wait to see him again so that we can play.

I’m not sure if I am completely aware of my sexual identity but I know that I am much closer to discovering it now than I was thirteen years ago when I turned thirty. I plan to just continue to explore the things that I am interested in while living my life for me.