Reality

So a lot has happened since the last time I wrote. My son got cast in two more shows at school and I saw my ex again. I wasn’t planning on it but a couple of weeks ago I sent him a text out of the blue and I told him I missed him. He texted me back pretty quickly and we started talking again just like that. A few days later we saw each other. I still don’t know how to feel or think about him. I know I should walk away but I still love him very much. I went out on a date with someone else not long before I saw him and it was fun but I knew I couldn’t see him again. He was nice and really smart but I just didn’t want to start something with someone that lives so far away and that has young kids. I guess you could say that I am pretty gun shy after my ex. I am trying to be aware of issues from the beginning because I didn’t listen to my instincts with my ex. He told me that our issues weren’t a problem but ultimately they were a problem. I just don’t want to get hurt again.

I also lost another former student in the last couple of weeks. She was killed in a car accident on a really rainy Wednesday. I went to the funeral on Friday and it was so incredibly sad. She was so young and she had her whole life ahead of her. Every time I have to go to a funeral for a student I feel like I lose a piece of me. You spend a year with these kids and they take of piece of you with them no matter what. I was really close to her because she was one of my yearbook editors my first year to sponsor yearbook. She had the most beautiful and smile and I think that is what I will probably remember most about her. In the process of hearing and processing every thing about my student, it put me in contact with my previous ex. It was weird to have any kind of communication with him but at the same time it was good that the two of us could talk about things and then move on. I appreciated his concern and him passing on information. I am glad that the two of us are past the point of things being so weird that we can do things like that for each other.

I was really sad at the funeral and after because I realized that my life is really not where I want it to be. I have been married and divorced twice. Both my ex-husbands have moved on and married again and seem to be happy. I am stuck in a cycle of relationships where I get my heart broken and then have to start over. I am starting to think there is just something wrong with me. I honestly don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone but I am almost 43 and I’m not even in a relationship. I don’t even have the prospect of a relationship. When I met my ex almost a year ago I was in a great place. I was okay by myself but I was open to being with someone too. He came into my life and I fell head over heels in love with him which was completely stupid because he was on the re-bound from his third divorce and he was in no way ready for me. I thought he loved me but then he just walked away without so much as a goodbye. I know that we have been back and forth the last few months and I should really just walk away from him completely but for some reason I am just really having a hard time. The other parts of my life are pretty good but for some reason my love life stinks. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever really find love. Of course maybe I am just a little depressed because I just buried a 21 year-old student and I am still pining for my ex a week before my birthday. I probably just need to get over myself and be happy for all the good things in my life since that is what Thanksgiving is all about.

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