Tomorrow I go back to work after having a week off from school. It is crazy how quickly the time has gone by and how many things have changed for me this week. I actually started dating again this week. I finally told me ex today that I was dating but that my heart still belonged to him. His first question was whether I was dating anyone exclusively which I’m not. I went out with two separate guys over the last few days. They are both younger than me and although I like them both well enough, they really don’t measure up to my ex. I know it’s not a competition and I know it is not fair to compare other people to my ex. We had a very emotional conversation today which left me in tears. He told me today that if he felt like he could commit and give me the time I deserve that he would. He also told me he still loved me. I just really don’t understand why we can’t be together. I want him and no one else. I know that I have to keep moving forward and that I can’t just hold on to him but it is so hard to do that. I still love him so much!!
I decided today that even though I know my ex and I will never be what we were, I also know that I can’t just walk away from him. I told him today that I still want to see him. He gives me things that I just don’t get from or with anyone else. I know I should probably try to move on and I haven’t given up on that but for now I am going to include him in my life. I might be making a huge mistake but I just can’t let him go right now. He still wants to see me so I guess we are going to keep seeing each other despite the fact that things aren’t the way I want them to be.
My birthday is less than a week away and my kids just got back from shopping for my birthday with my best friend. We had a really rough holiday season last year because my kids didn’t make plans to go shopping for me. They just expected me to make sure that I provided them with an opportunity to go shopping without me. It is always so hard because as a single mom I don’t necessarily have anyone to help them with things like that. My ex-husband, their dad, doesn’t do anything for me ever. I don’t really expect him too but it would be nice if he would do it for them not me. I am really lucky that my best friend steps in to help out.
Thanksgiving is just days away. I have a lot in my life to be thankful for. I have two amazing children, a job that is fulfilling, and a home to live in. I have a great relationship with my mom and both of my children. I also have a best friend that is always there when I need him. I am very lucky.
I also know that I need to focus on what’s important to me and my future. I need to work hard towards finishing my Dual Credit Certification and I need to start working on finding another job. I have realized lately that I just don’t belong in my current school. I enjoy being in a much more culturally diverse school. My current school is predominantly white. I really miss my old school.
I also need to focus on doing everything I can to help my daughter get into college. I can’t hardly believe that she will graduate in just a year and a half. I am going to miss her so much once she graduates from high school.
So a lot has happened since the last time I wrote. My son got cast in two more shows at school and I saw my ex again. I wasn’t planning on it but a couple of weeks ago I sent him a text out of the blue and I told him I missed him. He texted me back pretty quickly and we started talking again just like that. A few days later we saw each other. I still don’t know how to feel or think about him. I know I should walk away but I still love him very much. I went out on a date with someone else not long before I saw him and it was fun but I knew I couldn’t see him again. He was nice and really smart but I just didn’t want to start something with someone that lives so far away and that has young kids. I guess you could say that I am pretty gun shy after my ex. I am trying to be aware of issues from the beginning because I didn’t listen to my instincts with my ex. He told me that our issues weren’t a problem but ultimately they were a problem. I just don’t want to get hurt again.
I also lost another former student in the last couple of weeks. She was killed in a car accident on a really rainy Wednesday. I went to the funeral on Friday and it was so incredibly sad. She was so young and she had her whole life ahead of her. Every time I have to go to a funeral for a student I feel like I lose a piece of me. You spend a year with these kids and they take of piece of you with them no matter what. I was really close to her because she was one of my yearbook editors my first year to sponsor yearbook. She had the most beautiful and smile and I think that is what I will probably remember most about her. In the process of hearing and processing every thing about my student, it put me in contact with my previous ex. It was weird to have any kind of communication with him but at the same time it was good that the two of us could talk about things and then move on. I appreciated his concern and him passing on information. I am glad that the two of us are past the point of things being so weird that we can do things like that for each other.
I was really sad at the funeral and after because I realized that my life is really not where I want it to be. I have been married and divorced twice. Both my ex-husbands have moved on and married again and seem to be happy. I am stuck in a cycle of relationships where I get my heart broken and then have to start over. I am starting to think there is just something wrong with me. I honestly don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone but I am almost 43 and I’m not even in a relationship. I don’t even have the prospect of a relationship. When I met my ex almost a year ago I was in a great place. I was okay by myself but I was open to being with someone too. He came into my life and I fell head over heels in love with him which was completely stupid because he was on the re-bound from his third divorce and he was in no way ready for me. I thought he loved me but then he just walked away without so much as a goodbye. I know that we have been back and forth the last few months and I should really just walk away from him completely but for some reason I am just really having a hard time. The other parts of my life are pretty good but for some reason my love life stinks. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever really find love. Of course maybe I am just a little depressed because I just buried a 21 year-old student and I am still pining for my ex a week before my birthday. I probably just need to get over myself and be happy for all the good things in my life since that is what Thanksgiving is all about.