Alone

None of us truly want to spend our lives alone but sometimes life takes us in a direction that we least expect. I got married for the first time at 23 years old. I went into the marriage for all the wrong reasons and I was way to young to truly understand what I was doing. I was married for ten years and I had two amazing children.  After my marriage ended it took me along time to figure out who I was again. It’s funny because both my kids talk about me being an early two thousands white mom, or at least I used to be. I had no idea what they were talking about at first. Apparently the life I lived is what gave me that title. At the time I was a stay at home mom that went to baby and me classes and had a regular play group with moms and kids.  I lived that life for six years but after my divorce I went to work as a teacher. I guess you could say that my life really changed after that. I was a single mom with two kids that worked full time. I dated regularly and I eventually met my second husband. I proceeded to have a very tumultuous relationship with him over the next two years. I should have realized that marrying him would be a mistake but I think I just really missed feeling settled. I missed being married and having that relationship that is supposed to be there for you. Unfortunately he was not really the best choice for a husband. We stayed married for three and a half years and then I was back to square one. My second husband and I split up almost fours years. In the last four years, I have had several relationships but nothing really stuck. I have had a couple of boyfriends that made me think we would be together forever but of course that wasn’t the case. Now at 42, I am alone again. I only have four more years before both my kids will be heading off to college. My kids don’t need a step-father at this point in their lives because they are practically grown. I am looking for someone to love me. I know that I am a very difficult person to love but I still believe that there has to be someone out there for me. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone but I am starting to wonder if that’s not what’s going to happen. I know that I have been in a funk but honestly it feels like I am just destined to be alone. I think my faith in relationships is finally gone.

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