Persuasion

I just finished reading Persuasion by Jane Austin. I have read it before and I have seen the movie many times. A few days ago I started contemplating the future. My ex-boyfriend agreed to meet me and I started really thinking about him and our relationship. We jumped into a serious relationship really quickly and ultimately he got overwhelmed and ended things between us. As I was watching “Persuasion” the other night I began to wonder whether or not we could try again with a bit less pressure on us. I started contemplating the idea of suggesting that to him. After I watched the movie again I started re-reading the novel. After finishing it today and doing a lot of thinking about our situation I’m not so sure. I love him deeply and I can honestly say I am not over him but I’m not sure that I can settle for something less than what we had. It would be so easy to pretend like it’s not settling but in my heart I know that I would be settling. I don’t understand how we ended up the way we did but I’m not sure that I can settle for something else. I think we could have made it if he would have just communicated and given us a chance but instead he just walked away with no discussion. He didn’t give me the opportunity to express my feelings or even be angry. I am supposed to see him tonight but I’m not even sure it’s going to happen. I want to be with him but I don’t want to sacrifice myself in the process. I need to be strong and stand up for what really matters. I would rather be alone than settle for something that’s not going to make me happy.

Contact

My mother’s boyfriend died on Monday night. You would think his death would be the biggest issue within the whole situation but you would be wrong.  His daughter is a witch and now she is doing everything she can to make my mother’s life miserable. She threatened to call the police on my mom and everything else for bogus stuff. She blew up my mom’s phone that first night until after 4 in the morning. She is desperate for money and she apparently doesn’t realize that her dad left all her money to my mom. Now we just got word that she is trying to disparage my mother on social media. It is hard to believe that the daughter of the man my mother loved and took care of for the last year could be so callous. I’m honestly not sure how any of this will end up but I am worried about my mom’s stress level. She was so upset the other night that she couldn’t sleep because her heart was pounding.  She finally got some rest and she told me this morning that she was doing better but I’m still concerned about her.

On another note, I texted my ex-boyfriend to tell him about my mom’s boyfriend. The two of them met while we were dating and he always used to ask me how he was doing. I was shocked when he responded to my text in less than twenty minutes. This is the first contact I’ve had with him in almost two months. He told me that he was doing good and that he’s getting ready to move to Austin. The message left me with more questions than answers. I texted him back several hours later not expecting to have a response. He did respond though, he told me that he was sorry for everything. Honestly those words could carry so much meaning because of everything I’ve been through lately. I didn’t say anything else to him because I’m not sure that I should. It’s obvious to me that he is moving on with his life and that he is comfortable with the decision that he made regarding our relationship. I still don’t have the closure that I would like to have but I do feel better. I know that it will probably be awhile before I feel like being in another relationship but that’s okay. Eventually I will stop missing him so much and I will be able to move on with someone else. I am trying to focus on my kids and myself right now. I need to be as healthy as I can on my own if I am ever going to be ready to be with someone else.

 

Rocky Horror

I have been a fan of the Rocky Horror Picture Show since I was in high school. The first time I saw it in a theater was when I was a freshman in college. Tonight I went to a local showing and I took my kids. I’m sure a lot of people would probably think my kids are to young to experience the Rocky Horror Picture Show but I have a tendency to take my kids to things that others don’t. I honestly like sharing things with my kids.  My daughter has told me several times this weekend that I am crazy but it seems like I’m the type of crazy that actually makes me a good mom. I share life with my kids. I share music and things that have made an impact on me.

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The kids and I took this picture before the movie started.  You will notice the V’s on the foreheads of both the kids indicating their virgin status. I took a few pictures of the cast during the last part of the movie.

We all had a great time tonight and I am so glad the kids were home to go with me. I only have a couple more years with both my kids at home so I want to enjoy as many things with them that I can.

Death

We are born and at some point in our life we are going to die.  Some of us experience a lot of death in our lives but others do not.  I watched my great-aunt die 17 years ago while my mother was her caretaker.  She was suffering from lung cancer.  My mom spent six months driving back and forth from Dallas to East Texas to take care of her. I spent several weeks there myself because I had just suffered a miscarriage and it helped me to be away from home.

Two years ago my dad finally got to a point that he no longer wanted to fight his disease anymore and he came home from the hospital with hospice. He only lived four days after he came home.  It was really hard to watch my dad deteriorate over the course of four years. I was able to spend three of those four days with him.  After my dad died I was lost and I had so much to do to help my mom. I still miss him so much but it has gotten a bit easier over the last couple of years.

Now I am dealing with death again. My mom got involved with another man about 6 months after my father passed away. At first it was really weird but over the course of the last year I got used to the situation and I started to really like him. He was diagnosed with lung cancer about a year or so ago. He was in the hospital and went through chemo and radiation until he finally had about four months of remission last fall. He started getting sick again in January and now he is at home and hospice.  My mom is with him almost all the time.  She is restless and basically she is stuck waiting for him to die.  I feel so bad for her because I know it will be so hard on her when he’s gone. I have spent every day this last week trying to support her and help her however I can. It is so sad that my mom is having to go through something like this again. She has always been so great to everyone around her. My kids came home today so I won’t be able to help her this weekend and I am really worried about her. I am not sure how the weekend will go but I do know that I am going to do everything I can to help my mom as she continues to deal with this situation and her grief afterwards.

Alone

None of us truly want to spend our lives alone but sometimes life takes us in a direction that we least expect. I got married for the first time at 23 years old. I went into the marriage for all the wrong reasons and I was way to young to truly understand what I was doing. I was married for ten years and I had two amazing children.  After my marriage ended it took me along time to figure out who I was again. It’s funny because both my kids talk about me being an early two thousands white mom, or at least I used to be. I had no idea what they were talking about at first. Apparently the life I lived is what gave me that title. At the time I was a stay at home mom that went to baby and me classes and had a regular play group with moms and kids.  I lived that life for six years but after my divorce I went to work as a teacher. I guess you could say that my life really changed after that. I was a single mom with two kids that worked full time. I dated regularly and I eventually met my second husband. I proceeded to have a very tumultuous relationship with him over the next two years. I should have realized that marrying him would be a mistake but I think I just really missed feeling settled. I missed being married and having that relationship that is supposed to be there for you. Unfortunately he was not really the best choice for a husband. We stayed married for three and a half years and then I was back to square one. My second husband and I split up almost fours years. In the last four years, I have had several relationships but nothing really stuck. I have had a couple of boyfriends that made me think we would be together forever but of course that wasn’t the case. Now at 42, I am alone again. I only have four more years before both my kids will be heading off to college. My kids don’t need a step-father at this point in their lives because they are practically grown. I am looking for someone to love me. I know that I am a very difficult person to love but I still believe that there has to be someone out there for me. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone but I am starting to wonder if that’s not what’s going to happen. I know that I have been in a funk but honestly it feels like I am just destined to be alone. I think my faith in relationships is finally gone.

Funk

I have been in a severe funk for the last week. I have never been one to binge watch TV or just lounge around without getting dressed, but over the last week I haven’t had the motivation to do anything. My kids are visiting their dad and I’m off work on summer break so I guess you could say I am feeling a bit useless. I don’t like to admit that I am still pining over my lost relationship. I keep having these overwhelming desires to see him and talk to him. He gave me insights into my self that were previously unknown. He made me fall in love with him in a way that I didn’t think possible. It’s funny really because I don’t necessarily want to be alone but I’m not interested in being with anyone but him. I know that time heals all things and eventually I will move on and feel better but for the time being I am stuck in a funk.