Exploring Myself

My ex and I broke up over 3 years ago and since then I have changed in a number of ways.  I’ve gotten additional tattoos and I even got a piercing. I have even explored my wants and desires sexually. I have discovered that there are many things I would like to experience. I guess I’m lucky in a lot of ways because my boyfriend is very open-minded about sex. He has even suggested some things to me that I hadn’t previously considered an option. At 42, I feel like maybe I should have experimented more when I was younger but I really didn’t have an opportunity. I was always in extremely restricted relationships. I haven’t really been with that many men that have been open-minded about sex. I have come to realize that I know very little about what turns me on. I have also started watching a variety of porn. I have even watched Hentai. I would never have thought that I would like anime porn but it’s actually pretty cool. I love the fact that I can talk about anything with my boyfriend. He never judges me and he usually up for anything I want to try. In some ways he has more experience than I do but in other ways I do. Our sexual chemistry is pretty intense and it hasn’t waned even after five months having sex. I don’t know if the relationship is meant to last but I know it appears to be exactly what I need to explore my own desires and needs when it comes to sex. A huge part of me hopes that we can make it work long term. I love the way he makes me feel emotionally and sexually. We have been through so much already but I still think we can grow together. I have a lot of responsibilities over the next couple of years but I think he is the type of man I can share them with. He understands what it means to be a parent and he respects the relationship I have with my kids. Life is short and my most important focus is to enjoy as much time as I can with my kids over the next four years.


Questions About Sex

Is it possible for sex to take over a relationship? Is it possible to be too horny? Is it bad to want sex all the time? I have always been the type of person that went through moods when it came to sex.  Sometimes I couldn’t get enough and other times I wasn’t all that interested.  I will be honest, from the time I got on the plane to go to Bolivia until the time I started dating my current boyfriend I wasn’t that interested in sex. I only had it a couple of times and it was just chance that I had sex those times. My current boyfriend and I had sex pretty early in our relationship but that was never what the relationship was about. I honestly fell in love with him with my whole heart. I thought we were both feeling the same way.  Now we still connect on other things but I’m starting to feel like we are too focused on sex. We had such a great night a little over a week ago but it was very sexual. We both love sex and we are both fairly adventurous when it comes to sex.  The sex between us is amazing but I’m worried we are losing some of our emotional connection. I still love him deeply but I’m so afraid that he’s pulling away emotionally.  I’m not sure whether we are falling apart or that I’m being entirely too sensitive. I have experienced a lot of heartache over the last few years and that definitely makes me more apprehensive in my current situation. He was supposed to come and see me last Sunday but work went late and he didn’t come over. I know he wanted me though because he said he wished I could come to him. I hate this distance between us. He works all the time and although I respect that in him I wish I could spend more time with him. I honestly don’t remember the last time I have yearned for someone the way I yearn for him. I worry that I’m entirely too attached to him. I just really hope that I’m not on the road to another heartbreak. I honestly deserve some happiness after the last  few years. I don’t expect perfection but some legitimate happiness would be wonderful.


The honeymoon is definitely over in our relationship. I wouldn’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing but it does change one’s perspective. I see his faults for what they are and I also realize that our situation is not easy. We have eight children between the two of us and we live forty-five minutes away from each other. In addition to all of that he owns his own business and he works all the time. The end of March and the beginning of April were difficult because we barely saw each other. Lately that’s gotten better though. Although I guess you could say I am still apprehensive because I feel like things are changing in other ways too. He is so preoccupied lately with his job. I asked him if we were okay and he said that he thinks so. He told me that he always gets really busy this time of year and so he focuses on his business. I want to believe that everything is okay because I really love him but deep down I have a nagging sense of uneasiness. I’m trying really hard to have faith but with everything that has happened in the past it is really hard. I know I can’t live in my past and I also can’t keep making him pay for my past. I think the fact that work has been so stressful lately isn’t helping our situation. I will really be glad when the school year is over. I’m not sure my relationship is going to survive but I refuse to sabotage it by stressing constantly. We still make plans for the future and he’s still extremely affectionate when we’re together. I just hope that we can continue to make things work between us despite our many obstacles.