So today the kids and I tried a new church. We went to a non-denominational church that actually meets in a shopping center. It was a completely different experience than anything I have ever seen. We didn’t have Sunday School because they do bible study in small groups throughout the week. They do have three worship services on Sunday Mornings. We went to the second service at 10:30. The music was incredible and then I witnessed the most unique sermon I have ever seen. The pastor used movie clips from “The Grinch” within his amazing sermon about the Christmas Season. He talked about the importance of remembering why we celebrate Christmas and that it is about so much more than gifts. I really enjoyed the whole experience despite the fact that it was so different. My kids loved it and ultimately right now that is the most important thing to me. The kids and I plan on going again to see how we like it. I have a feeling it is going to be an experience.
So I recently celebrated my 42nd birthday, and I spent the day with my first love. We met over 27 years ago and despite everything we have been through over the years, we are still in each other’s lives. We met the summer before my freshman year of high school when I was 14. We had a very brief relationship that we eventually turned into an amazing friendship. All throughout high school and my first year of college he was always there.I compared every guy I met to him which I know is not a good thing. The summer after my freshman year of college we decided to try and have a real relationship. We lived together for several months but we ended up separating in a very painful breakup. After our breakup I had a series of unsuccessful relationships until I met my first husband. I lost my first love back in 1994 and it wasn’t until 2007 that I got him back into my life. We have had our ups and downs over the last nine years but one thing I know for sure is that I will always love him and he will always know me better than almost anyone else. Yesterday he picked me up and took me to lunch. After lunch we went ice skating and then to an art exhibit. It was great to just hang out with him after all this time. I may not see him all the time but I know that he will always be there for me if I need him and that means the world to me. I hope we have 27 more years to be in each other’s lives.
This picture was made in my childhood bedroom around 1992-93. I wish I had more pictures from back then but unfortunately I don’t. We didn’t live in the social media craze back then that we do now.
This picture was taken in April of 2008 with his son. We went to the park with him and his son. All of our children were really young. It was definitely a fun day.
This picture was taken of the two of us on my birthday! We have both changed a lot in the last 27 years but it is nice to know that we still enjoy each other’s company. I have to say that yesterday was the best birthday I have had in a very long time even without my children at home. Life is short and it is important to spend it with the people that matter most.
I don’t get it at all. I miss the days when people would actually communicate how they feel. I am so tired of people telling me how much they like me and then they just disappear. I am an adult and it’s not like I can’t handle rejection but there is a difference between rejection and just not responding to someone anymore. I sort of get it with younger people because they don’t think about the relationships the same way but it seems like we’ve all turned into a bunch of cowards that can’t be honest about how they feel. Online dating has created a world where everyone hides behind a device and judges someone without all the facts. It is so easy to discount someone because of the way they look or something in their profile. I am honestly so done. I used to think online dating worked but now I think it sucks. I am 42 years old and I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I know I am a good person and I would just love to meet a quality person. There are far too many men out there these days that are just using people. I think I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than to keep dealing with the utter bullshit that I have experienced over the last few months on Match.com. My subscription expires in a couple more weeks and I am definitely not renewing it. Dating has just gotten entirely too complicated to deal with these days. I miss the simple days where you met someone and then you figured out whether or not you were meant to be. You spent time with someone and you actually got to know them. I miss the days when a relationship wasn’t just about text messages. Sometimes I think technology has really ruined interpersonal relationships. I have to believe that my fairy tale is still out there. I may spend the rest of my life trying to find it but I can’t just give up on what my heart desires most. I know that kids and I are going to be trying a new church or two so maybe I will meet someone at church. I just can’t do the online dating thing anymore. The whole experience is just making me doubt myself. The crazy thing is that I have been thinking about my ex lately. I know that we don’t need to be together and we’re not good for each other but there are things about him I still miss. I wonder if I will ever meet anyone that makes me feel the way he did. I sat in my testing room thinking about him today. It seems like he always comes into my thoughts when I let my mind wander. Now that I am changing churches I have absolutely no reason to see him. I hope not seeing him at all will make him fade even more from my life. Life changes every day but I know that right now I have to focus on my children because love just doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me.
Church is supposed to be a sanctuary for the downtrodden and confused. It is supposed to be a place that will welcome anyone into its fold. My church has always been a bit of a fishbowl but now it is a place of anxiety for my daughter. She is 15 and now is a confusing time in her life but instead of offering a little bit of compassion and understanding, her Sunday school teacher opted to single her out and embarrass her in front of her class. Needless to say the last time she went to church she cried almost the whole way home. Now I am confronted with a quandary because as a parent I need to protect my daughter. She doesn’t want me to talk to the youth pastor but I feel like I should. On the flip side of that I have also considered jumping ship and trying to find a new church. I am so afraid that my daughter will turn away from God if she stays in her current situation. We have been attending the same church for the last three and a half years. It would be really weird to start over somewhere else. Of course one advantage would be the fact that I would no longer go to church with my ex and since we no longer work together than that means we would have no contact whatsoever. We don’t talk now so it would be even easier not to think about him if I didn’t see him at church. I have already made a huge change in my life and maybe I really am ready for another change. Maybe it really is time to let go of most of my old life and move on to new things. I can’t live in a fishbowl forever and if I leave the church than I will break the mold. Only time will tell how all this stuff will work out.
So I’ll be honest, I have absolutely no idea how to deal with the ins and outs of dating in 2016. I meet people, we start talking, it seems to be going well, and then all of a sudden it’s like there is no connection. I’m starting to think that relationships are just a waste of time. I am 42 years old and I have found that I am more insecure when it comes to men and relationships than I was when I was in high school. I have never been one of those people that couldn’t meet anyone. It always seemed like there was someone else to feel the void as soon as one relationship ended. Now I meet people or at least find people who are somewhat interested but it just seems like something is missing. When I first starting dating my ex I honestly felt like I had met the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. Somewhere along the way we lost what we had. Last year in an attempt to hold on to that connection we started a very sordid affair which only made me more miserable than I had been without him. When I came back from Bolivia I was clear headed and I thought I was over him completely. We ended up spending one last weekend together before we finally went our separate ways. I don’t regret that decision because ultimately I think it was the best choice for both of us. I still miss him occasionally but it is usually when I’m alone and not all the time. I want to move on with my life in a new relationship but it seems like I’m just stuck. I have really been focusing on my children and my job so maybe that is why I seem to be striking out so much with men. I want to be able to share my life with someone. I want to have someone to cuddle with and come home to after a long day. I want to be able to fall asleep in the arms of someone I love every night. I don’t really think I am asking for too much but it seems like an impossible feat right now. I know that I am a strong independent woman but sometimes I really need someone to have my back. I need to know that I don’t always have to be the strong one. I feel like I have to be superwoman all the time and it is utterly exhausting. My kids are growing up and they don’t need me as much as they used too. I know that when they are gone that I will be lost. I’m scared to think about facing that alone. The next few years are going to be pretty significant in mine and my children’s lives but I really hope I don’t have to face them alone.