Settling

So I hear people talking all the time about how important it is to wait for the great love of your life and not to settle for anything else. I think I have only really been in love beyond my imagination twice. My first great love also happens to be my first love. I met him when I was 14 and for the next six years no one else came close to comparing to him. We finally went our separate ways for more than a dozen years until we were able to make it back to each other as really good friends.

My first husband and I got along really well when things between us were good but I don’t think I was ever truly in love with my first husband. I loved him and it was my true desire to build my life with him but in the end we just couldn’t make it work together.  My second husband was completely different from the first but we had our problems from the beginning and to be honest I was stupid to marry him. I should have known that he wouldn’t change when we got married. We had a very tumultuous marriage that only lasted about 3 1/2 years. When I walked away from my second marriage I swore to myself that I would never settle again. Although I had loved both men I was married to, I had never been truly in love with either of them. I honestly thought those feelings only occurred with your first love and that everything after that was much more practical. I guess you could say that I took a practical approach to love and relationships which honestly doesn’t hold one ounce of reason to it.

I met my second great love while I was going through my second divorce. The timing for us was terrible because we were both going through our second divorces. He had just finalized his and I had just filed mine. We were both hurting and suffering from the damage we had endured in those second marriages. In the beginning of the relationship we were a huge source of strength for each other. We fell to fast and too hard despite what everyone around us warned us about. I fell completely in love with him and I couldn’t believe the way we he made me feel. For the first time in my adult life I actually thought I had the fairy tale. Of course I should have known that anything that makes you feel like that won’t last. We have been broken up for two and a half years  and we haven’t spoken in months but truth be told he still has my heart. They say that if you ever truly love someone than you never really stop and I used to think that was crap but now I have come to realize that it’s true. He and I don’t belong together and I seriously doubt we could ever get over our past but he still remains special to me. He will probably always hold a special spot in my heart just like my first love does to this day.

I haven’t been so successful in love over the last couple of years. I got into some situations with people that I shouldn’t have and I almost married my best friend. I know that in my heart I could marry my best friend and in some ways I would be happy but the problem is that I would feel like something was missing. My best friend is supportive, loving and would do anything for me but he appeals to my practical side. I have tried the practical marriage and it didn’t work for me. I just can’t put myself in that position again.

I don’t want to settle for anything less than the fairy tale. I know as a 41 year old woman it seems kind of foolish but my heart longs for it. I have come to a point in my life where the relationship and the man have to fit my needs. I’m not willing to turn myself inside out to make a relationship fit. I have lost myself in relationships before and it’s just to hard to get myself back. I may never find my happy ending but I know that if I settle I still won’t be happy. I have found happiness within myself and i don’t need a man to be happy. I would love to be able to share my life with someone but it has to be on my terms. Life is too short to live it trying to live up to someone else’s expectations.

Needed Break

So today marks the countdown until Thanksgiving Break. I am lucky enough to get a week off school at my new district too. I got everything ready for this week last week when grades were do. All I have to do this week is make it through the chaos of the students and then enjoy a week at home. Of course I also have to have another birthday while I’m off for Thanksgiving. My kids will be with their dad this year on my birthday so I’m not really looking forward to it at all.

You know when I first started online dating again I thought maybe this would be the time I would meet someone special but now I’m not so sure. I have talked with a variety of people and I even went on a date but I just don’t feel it. I guess if I’m honest with myself there are only two people I can even imagine myself with and I don’t need to be with either of them. My current subscription on the dating site is going to expire soon and I don’t plan on renewing it.

I may not be in a relationship right now but I know that I’m ok by myself. I am lucky to have a lot of wonderful people in my life.

Funerals

So I don’t think anyone enjoys funerals. Tomorrow I have to attend the second funeral of a former student. Life is not supposed to work that way.  I’m not supposed to be attending the funeral of my students. I haven’t really been teaching that many years because I came into my career later in life. A lot of teachers are lucky enough to spend years teaching before they ever have to deal with the untimely death of a student. In a little over eight years I have lost one to racing, one to suicide and now one to cancer. I have had so many wonderful students and I am lucky enough to keep up with them through social media. I watch them get married, have children and even graduate college. I have gone on so many adventures through my students. I honestly can’t imagine doing anything else for a living but today I am sad to be a teacher. I am sad to know that one of my special students lost his battle with cancer. Students are supposed to outlive their teachers just like children are supposed to outlive their parents. I am thankful that I will be able to say goodbye tomorrow with many of my former students but I am also saddened that the world has lost such a special soul. RIP