So I know that Halloween isn’t until tomorrow but my kids and I had a party at our house last night. It was a small event but it was great to spend some time with my kids and their friends. This is the first Halloween that my children have been home because of visitation with their father. My daughter dressed up like the Riddler and my son dressed up like Lex Luther. We all had a great time.
Most of the people that are close to me these days realize that I love Harley Quinn. I am not much of a fan of the Suicide Squad version, instead I prefer the Arkham or original versions better. I decided to dress up as the Arkham Harley for the party.
It was nice to forget about other parts of my life for a night. I know a lot of my friends thought I was crazy to invite teenagers to my house but it was actually very enjoyable. I am one of those parents that actually prefer to know my kids’ friends.
So I have to say that this week has been a total beat down. I am thoroughly exhausted. I would love to say that I can get some rest this weekend but I already know that’s not going to happen either. My kids are having a Halloween party at our house on Saturday. I have no idea what I was thinking when I agreed to let them have a party. I usually love my daughter’s friends but I have been so tired that I just hope I can enjoy having the company. It has been such a long time since we have really had anybody at the house. I’m lucky because my best friend is coming over to help me chaperone all the teenagers. I know that they plan to do karaoke so it should definitely be interesting. I agreed to dress up which I really hope I don’t regret. I know that I will probably have fun but right now I am just dreading having to get the house ready for the party. Of course I have to get through tomorrow before I can even get to the party.
So as I was sitting in church this morning I got to thinking about sin. I know that we are all sinners in the eyes of God. I have sinned so many times that I am ashamed to even admit it. God doesn’t want people having sex outside of marriage but I have been guilty of this sin for a very long time. I have to say that I lost my virginity at the age of 17 and I never really thought about the fact that God didn’t want us to have sex outside of marriage. I have been in a few relationships outside my two marriages and they both included a sexual component. I am ashamed to say that when it comes to sex I am weak. I know that we are all weak in one way or another. I guess all this realization does have a point though, I am worried about my daughter. I know that the bible says it’s wrong to engage in homosexuality. I also know that when I was in my twenties I had several relationships with women. I ultimately met my first husband and I got married and never looked back. I also know that my daughter is struggling with some of the same issues that I had in my twenties. I worry about how people at church will respond to her when they know that she is struggling with her sexuality. I don’t want my daughter to turn away from God. Ultimately homosexuality is no worse a sin than premarital sex but I also know that people don’t see it that way. I want her faith to grow and I’m worried that it won’t if people start treating her differently. I want to be able to support her but in my heart of hearts I just don’t want that life for her. I want her to be happy. I just don’t know how to reconcile my feelings with her situation. I know that I will just have to continue to pray about it. I also know that I need to pray for myself. I need to pray that I can be stronger when it comes to sex and relationships. I need to stop giving pieces of me away to people that won’t still be around in the future. I need to work hard to live the life that God wants me to live as a woman and a mother. My children are my most important job and I need to pray for God’s guidance as they continue to go through all the struggles of being teenagers.
I try and spend as much time as possible with my children. I play video games with them. I take them to sporting events, movies and amusement parks. Of course I enjoy the times where the three of us are hanging out on my bed talking. I love that we can share all about our lives with each other. I know they don’t share everything with me but I am grateful for the time and conversations that I’ve been able to share with my kids. So yesterday my son and daughter helped me finish a puzzle that I had started the night before. I think the best thing about the whole experience is that we were talking and laughing together without any electronics. We were having fun the old fashioned way. It is not always easy to tear my children away from their devices so it was nice to spend a little bit of quality time with them that didn’t require any electronics. I know in five years they will both be away at college and living their own lives. I am just trying to share as much with them as I can over the next five years. My kids are my life and I hope they always know how much I love them.
So it is interesting how busy this weekend ended up being after it started with my son being grounded. Friday was pretty low key but Saturday was insane. My daughter and I both had a hair appointment yesterday afternoon and then it seemed like we had a thousand errands to run. I will say that I got to finish last night working on a puzzle with my son. It is interesting because since he is grounded he has been spending a lot of time with me. He still won’t have the conversation that I want to have but he has been hanging out with me a lot. We didn’t finish the puzzle last night but we did finish it today after church. Here is a picture of the finished product.
This particular puzzle has to do with Fallout 4 which is one of my son’s favorite video games. I grew up working puzzles with my parents and I really enjoyed spending the time with my son. We used to work puzzles together a lot when my second husband and I were married. It has been along time since I have spent time doing something like that. I have to say it is a great bonding experience. We didn’t even have the TV on when we were working on the puzzle. I love spending time with my kids.
So for the second weekend in a row I am having to completely change my plans because of one of my children. My son decided it would be a good idea to sneak out of the second story bathroom window last night. He went to a friend’s house and I got woken up a little over an hour later when her mom escorted him home. I have taken away all of his electronics and he is grounded indefinitely. I’ll be honest though, I feel like there is something he’s not telling me. My son has a tendency to keep things to himself but I feel like this isn’t his secret. I really wish he would just talk to me. Ultimately I am not going to change his punishment but I feel like he needs to be honest about the situation for us to move past it. As a single mom it is difficult having to deal with all the teenage boy stuff on my own. I’ll be honest, my son doesn’t have a very good relationship with his dad and they never talk about things. I have tried to have open and honest conversations with my son about sex and how consequences can impact your whole life. He’s such a smart kid that it bothers me that he would do something so stupid. I think the worst part of the whole thing is that I don’t trust him anymore. It has been the three of us for so long and I didn’t worry a whole lot because the three of us have always been close. I’m starting to feel like that’s not really the case these days. I just don’t understand why he would risk his own safety and the chance of getting in trouble to go to this girl’s house.
Honestly I feel like my days are just flying by. At work I stay busy almost from the first bell until the bell rings to end my 7th period class. Then after school I either have meetings or students to deal with again. It seems like it is impossible to really get out of work before 4:30pm. When I get home I have to cook dinner and then I finally get to relax. The problem is that I’m usually so tired that I can barely keep my eyes open past 10 pm. I started a new book and I have been trying to read before bed every night but it seems like I am so tired that I find it so difficult. If my life keeps going by this quickly I feel like I am going to miss out on something. Last night I did spend about thirty minutes just hanging out with my daughter. It is nice just to hangout with my kids sometimes. I guess I’m really lucky because I have a relatively good relationship with my children so we spend time together. I am so thankful to have a relationship with my children where we enjoy each other’s company. I know my time with my children is short so I try to make the best of it. It’s funny because I know that despite all the cool things we do together I will miss the times where we just hung out together the most. I am really going to miss the noise and the mess believe it or not. My children are literally my everything and I don’t know what I will do when they go off to college in a few years. I guess for now I am just going to embrace the busy days and nights and I hope that the memories will sustain me when they are gone.
I think my daughter is gay. She told me a year or two ago that she thought she was bisexual. I know that she has been struggling with her sexuality for a while now but I honestly think she is leaning towards identifying herself as gay. As a mom I have very mixed emotions about this situation. I experimented with my own sexuality when I was in my early twenties but I put it all behind me and got married when I met her father. I am honestly not sure how to help her. I don’t want this life for her because I know how difficult it can be. I lived it for several years myself and I have seen other people go through similar things. She has her first girlfriend as of yesterday. I have met the girl and she is really sweet. I have also met both her parents. I want my daughter to be happy so I will do everything I can to support her even though this whole situation bothers me. My mom handled the situation with me in the worst way possible and it created a rift between us for a long time. I can’t do what my mom did because it would destroy our relationship. She is an amazing girl and I am so proud to be her mother.
Is it possible to meet a new man that truly wants to spend his life with me? The kind of man that can be my partner. In the last three years my love life has been on a never ending roller coaster ride. I finally got off that roller coaster a couple of months ago and I have been focusing on me. I ventured into online dating again. I’ll be honest I didn’t really expect to meet anyone special but I thought it would be good for me to get out and meet new people. I started exchanging emails with a few different people and then this one guy caught my interest. We started exchanging these amazing emails. That was three weeks ago. We still haven’t met yet because he is in Italy with a sick father. The things that we have shared make me think he could be the one. It is so difficult for me to trust the situation after everything I have been through over the last three years. I wake up every morning looking for an email or text from this man. He has truly touched my soul with his words. I’m not sure I have ever met a man that was so good with his words. I can’t wait until he returns home so that we can finally meet in real life. It is such an old fashioned way to get to know someone through letters or in our case emails. It is incredible the stories we have shared with each other through these emails. I don’t trust easily but I am willing to give things a chance with this man when he returns. I have to see it through. He may be the one and he may not but the best part of this situation is that I am truly moving on from the past. All aspects of my past. It is definitely time to invest in someone new. I have spent far too much time on my past. Here is the man that I hope will remain in my future!!
So when I think about this word, it brings up all the things in my life that are important to me. At the top of my list would be God although I haven’t been going to church as regularly as I should lately. Then would be my two children. My kids are the best part of me and I don’t think it would be possible for me to value anything more than them. I guess the next person would be my mom despite the fact that I hardly ever talk to her or see her lately. She has a boyfriend and apparently she values him more than us. Then I guess I would have to say that my friends would come next despite the fact that I’m not really that close to very many people right now. I guess the next on my list would be my students. I am very lucky because there are lots of people in my life that I value. I wouldn’t have written this blog without the post inspiration but I am glad I did. It is important to look at what you value in life from time to time.