Marriage?

So I have to say that I honestly don’t know what it takes to have a successful marriage. I have already been married and divorced twice. I have always told myself that I married the wrong people and that is why my marriages didn’t work out. I’m starting to wonder if it was really the people I choose or the expectations for the marriages that were the problem. People have a jaded since that marriage means happiness and most people don’t realize that you have to actually work to make it successful. I have read books on the subject and I am even currently listening to a book about a woman that had to overcome her feelings about marriage rather quickly. It has been really interesting listening to her thoughts and ideas on the subject.

My daughter thinks that I will get married again sometime in the future but I really don’t know. I thought I wanted to marry my ex a couple of years ago before everything fell apart between us.  Then I was engaged but I realized it wasn’t the right relationship for me. Now I am single and relatively content with my situation. I think it would be nice to be in a relationship but at the same time I refuse to be someone other than myself. I have literally turned myself inside out more than once for a relationship and I know that’s not the way I want to live anymore. As I sit here tonight writing I realize that I have so much love in my life even without a romantic relationship. I two amazing children and a mother that means the world to me. I don’t really feel like I have very many friends right now but that is more about transition than anything else. My faith is strong and despite all the changes I am very content with my life. I know that if I am meant to be in a relationship than it will happen when the time is right. I have spent so much time in the past trying to rush things instead of just letting them happen.

God has a plan and if I can just be patient than he will show me that plan. I remember thinking so many times over the last three years about why I couldn’t get over my ex and why God never answered my prayers. Last Sunday at church the pastor made an interesting comment.  He told us that it wasn’t that God doesn’t answer prayers but that sometimes he says no. When I was trying to let go of my ex before I guess I hadn’t learned all I needed to learn because it was so hard to let him go. I am finding things so much easier these days. I guess that despite everything last year we both needed each other to help deal with the loss of our fathers. I am in a much better place about my father’s death and it is definitely time to let my ex go for good. I haven’t had a real conversation with him in almost a month which has been a relief. Now that I am not on social media it will be a lot more difficult for him to keep up with my life. For the first time in over three years he won’t be able to see everything I am doing or who I am spending my time with. He will have no clue what is going on in my life. The true of the matter is that he may not care which is fine but the beauty of the whole thing is that I don’t know what is going on in his life either. Maybe if I can ever have a successful relationship again than I would consider marriage but in the current state of things marriage seems impossible. 

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