Facade

I have noticed that there are so many people in this world that can’t be true to themselves. I will never understand why people have to be one way in private and a completely different way in public. My ex is the absolute worst about this. He always acts so happy and full of life when he’s in public but when you get him alone he’s completely different. I’m so glad that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. I’m also glad that we aren’t friends. He said we would be but I knew as soon as he said it that it wasn’t true. Real friends care about each other and he hasn’t cared about me in a very long time.

On another note I am apprehensive about the future because it is so easy for people to pretend to be one way when they are really very different. I have been sending emails with this man for over a week or so and I have found that we have a lot in common. He seems like such a nice man and I want to believe that he really is the man he appears to be but only time will tell.

I try very hard to be the real me regardless of the situation. I spent far to much time in my past worrying about pleasing other people and not myself. I know that I’m a good person and I also know that I will meet the person I am meant to be with. Maybe it’s this new guy and maybe not but I am going to continue to put myself out there because that’s the only way to live. My past is in the past and I refuse to let it impact my future. Life is far too short to live behind a facade!!

 

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Unfinished

So when you think about what this word means lots of things come to mind. I think about the fact that my children have unfinished business when it comes to growing up and finishing school. I honestly never think my writing is completely finished. Life is unfinished at least as long as we are still breathing.

I have been in situations where I felt like a particular relationship was unfinished because there was no closure. Closure can sometimes make unfinished situations seem finished. It took me a long time to get closure with my ex but I finally found the closure I needed to be whole again.

I honestly hope that my love life is unfinished and that I have another chance to fall in love and maybe happy this time. I want a new start at happiness.

I feel like my career is unfinished because I still have so many things I want to do. I did finish my time at my old district but that just paved the way for new opportunities at the new district.

Another relationship that will probably never be finished is the one I have with my best friend. He is always there for me even when I don’t give him a reason too. He always takes care of me in so many small ways that I least expect. My life wouldn’t be the same without him in it.

New People

So I have been talking to a few new people through the online dating site I joined but I have noticed that some people are all over the place. I have sent messages back and forth with a few interesting people but I’m still not sure that anyone is truly worth the effort. I find that the older I get the harder it is to open myself up to new people. I think it might also have something to do with my best friend. He tends to help me when I need help and he’s always there to hang out with me. I guess you could say that I don’t really need a relationship because that requires a lot of work. I want to open myself up to someone new but I am patient because I know that nothing that is worth it will be easy. It is interesting to me how different I look at dating now than a few years ago. I know in my heart that I really don’t need a relationship to be happy. I will find my way I just need to remain patient.

Relaxing Day

So after an exceptionally long week I have finally been able to relax a little.  Although I have been doing laundry and cleaning so I didn’t relax all day. I also took a walk with my son. I feel so lucky to be able to spend time with my son. We talked tonight and he’s going to a Rangers Game with me on Monday. I was really surprised that he wanted to go with me. You know it’s funny because the older he gets the closer I feel to him. We walked and played in the park. This is a picture of my teenage son swinging in the park!!

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I love seeing this side of him. I know my kids have to grow up but it is so nice to be reminded of that child side of them sometimes. We have visited the Veteran’s park by our fire station but usually it is at night.  Today we visited in the daylight hours so I finally got a picture of him on the anchor!!

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I know I only have a few more years with him and I hope we can have lots of days like today in the future.

Looking Back

Two years ago today my mom had a quadruple bypass.  I don’t remember ever being scared as I was that day. I remember watching my dad and thinking that he looked like he wanted to crawl out of his own skin. He didn’t sleep at all the night before and he was exhausted the day of the surgery. I never even considered then that in less than a year my dad would have two major hospital stays and then pass away.  I remember being so worried that I would lose my mom. Now I only have one parent but most days I wonder about that. My mom has gotten completely wrapped up in another man and now I feel like she doesn’t have any time for me. I want my mom to be happy and I can’t be there all the time but it feels like she has just forgotten about the kids and I. I never realized that I would lose my mom and my dad at the same. I feel completely alone right now. It is so hard to feel like I can’t just pick up the phone and call her. Every time I talk to her I feel like she’s in a hurry to get off the phone. I’m sure I’m being entirely too sensitive but my mom and I have always been so close. I feel so incredibly distant from her. I never thought we would be in this situation two years ago. Life is so strange!

Rangers

So the Rangers should have been able to clench the west last night but instead they lost the game 5 to 4. It was so sad to watch them lose yet again. Last night will probably be the last game I get to attend this season, but at least through the nine games I have been to this year I have developed a love for baseball. I never in a million years thought that I would ever enjoy baseball. It is amazing how much can change in just a few short months. I see myself every day and I realize these subtle little changes in myself. I have grown so much in the last few months between my international travel and my new job. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and I can hardly believe how much has happened over the last year. I am actually considering buying a partial plan of season tickets to the Rangers next year and I would never have believed that I would be contemplating that. I wish that I could meet someone that care share my interests. I don’t need a husband or even a boyfriend that is in all my business but it would be nice to be dating again. It would be nice to just date someone on a regular basis. I don’t want to jump into anything too quickly but I would love to have someone to share my life with.

Online Dating

I have yet to figure out why I keep torturing myself with online dating. The exchanges of emails through the online messenger apps that never work very good. The idea of looking through photos and choosing someone based on carefully selected pictures and sometimes inaccurate facts. So I only got back on the dreaded match.com last Thursday. Since then I have chatted with a few people but honestly I haven’t talked to anyone that really makes me hopeful. So I talked to one guy who was a widower only to find out that his wife only passed away two months ago. He was married for 26 years and he’s already looking for someone new two months after she died. I have talked with a couple of other people too but honestly I’m not impressed. I signed up for three months so I will give it a fair chance but I don’t really have a lot of faith that I will meet someone worthwhile.

I miss the days of actually meeting people in person and then getting to know them. I miss being able to read people and their reactions before I invested any time and energy in them.  The trouble with online dating is that it takes all the getting to know you stuff and then putting it before the actual seeing someone in person. There are so many things that you just can’t tell about someone without meeting them in person. I know that it is hard to meet people that are single at my age. I never expected to be in this position at almost 42 years old. Twice divorced with two teenage children. I really don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone but the older I get the more I think it could end up being a possibility. I know that regardless what happens God has a plan for my life. I need to remember that and trust that he knows what is best for me. There are so many things that I want to do in this life and it is quite possible that a relationship would keep me from accomplishing all I want to accomplish.

Dating is hard enough when you’re young but after being divorced and having children it is even harder. My kids are at an age where they get very involved in the people I date. They have a definite idea of the type of person that they think I need to be with. It worries me a bit that they are so particular about who it is okay for me to be with. My kids want a specific type of man and I’m not so sure their ideas and mine mesh together. I really hope that if I meet someone that I think is extremely special that my kids will approve.  It is so important to me that they get a long with whoever I end up with. I guess only time will tell what happens in the future for me.

Bucket List

So last summer I wrote a bucket list when I was working through my book of prompts. I enjoyed the prompt so much that I even had my seniors create one the first week of school. I realized on the way home from school today that I had never posted it. I think that posting it and making it official holds me accountable to my dreams. I know I may never complete everything on my list but I think I will definitely have fun trying.

My Bucket List Created on July, 5, 2016

  1. Travel to at least one country on every continent.
  2. I would like to visit all 50 states in the United States.
  3. I want to see a Nascar Race at Daytona or Talladega.
  4. I want to learn Spanish.
  5. I want to go on a mission trip.
  6. I want to visit Mount Rushmore.
  7. I would like to see a concert in Madison Square Gardens in New York.
  8. I would like to see a fight at MGM Grand in Las Vegas.
  9. I would like to see a show on Broadway in New York.
  10. I want to travel to Niagara Falls and stay on the Canadian side.