Clarity

So today I realized that I am starting to regain some of the clarity that was so wonderful in Bolivia. I came home and I let my ex put me right back in the same position that I was in when I left. Now after what happen a couple of weeks ago I am ready to move forward. I need to let go of the past because it is way beyond time. I have focused so much energy on my ex when he doesn’t even deserve it. I don’t think he will ever truly understand the depth of my feelings.  He will never get it. I have literally spent two years hoping he would regret breaking up with me.  I hoped that he would want to get back together at some point. I never gave myself the chance to realize that maybe the reason God took him out of my life is because he really wasn’t the right person for me. My ex brought me back to God and church which was the best thing he could have done at the time for me and my kids but I was never truly comfortable being myself around him. I have spent thirteen and a half years being married to men that required me to walk on egg shells or talk them off ledges when they were upset. If i would have stayed with my ex than I would have been spending even more time doing the same thing. Every man I have been married to has tried to contain me to an extent. I need to be free to be who I really am and I know I can’t really do that with my ex. I still haven’t unfriended him on Facebook but I’m no longer following his posts. I need a break and this is a perfect time to get it. We barely talk at church so I won’t really have a lot of interaction with him now that we won’t be working together any more. He deserves to be happy and so do I but I don’t believe that we are intended to be happy together. Tomorrow is the first day of my new job and I couldn’t be happier because this is my chance for a fresh start. I plan to embrace this new job and make lots of new friends. Here is to new beginnings.

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