Perception

I find it so interesting how other people think they know so much about you without even knowing you. Working at a high school I see a lot of this every day but I have noticed that it is even worse at church. Going to church is very important to me, but I feel like so many of the people at church judge me based on their own perceptions. I try really hard not to judge people because I don’t feel like that’s my job. God is our true judge and he is the only one that truly has the whole story. I know that I am far from perfect but I’m still not sure why so many people judge me so harshly. It seems like so many people see me as this manipulative person without a heart. I feel like people don’t see the real me at all. I know that I keep a lot of things to myself but I still don’t understand why that would make people think about me the way they do. I refuse to live my life worried about how other people feel about me but it still hurts when I discover that they feelings like that about me. I think part of the problem at church is that my ex said a lot of things that he shouldn’t have during a time a few months after we broke up. He was jealous because I was trying to move on so he trash talked me to other people at church. The crazy thing about the whole situation is that I never did that to him. I still haven’t done that to him. He’s definitely not the man I thought he was when we met and I’m not even sure he is the man I fell in love with. He has become this man that can use someone and then walk away. If that is his true character than I’m not even sure what I saw in him from the beginning. Maybe the problem is just the way he feels about me and not his whole character but I know that the way he treats me sucks. He’s told me that I am important to him and that he will always love me but then he treats me like I don’t matter. I almost let myself fall into the same trap with him again. I wish walking away was easier but unfortunately it is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I still haven’t found out about the new job and I only work four days this week. I don’t know what God’s plan is for me but I sure wish he would show it to me. I need his guidance right now because I feel lost. I am about to embark on a new chapter in my life and I need to leave the old one here. I need to leave the past behind. I need to heal for once and for all. He played a big part in my life but I don’t think it is in the plans for him to stay in my life. He has shown me that in so many ways and I need to listen to my head and not my heart on this one. It is time to let him go. Today is his birthday and I will wish him a happy birthday but then I am not going to contact him anymore. He knows how to reach me if he really wants to communicate. He said he would try to keep up with me while I was in Bolivia but I don’t believe that. I seriously doubt I will hear from him at all. He has plenty of distractions here and I won’t even cross his mind.

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