Heavy Heart

So I only have two days until the anniversary of my father’s death.  Today my heart is sad.  Sad for the loss of my father and sad for the loss of the love of my life. I have felt like I would be alone for the rest of my life for some time but now it has become clear that without him I’m not sure I can find my fairy tale.  I never believed my second husband when he used to talk about fairy tale love.  I thought he was ridiculous and immature.  Then I met the ex and my whole world changed. He is the man that caused me to have a before and after.  My life before him was filled with people that I cared about and loved but there really wasn’t any great love.  I didn’t have the kind of love that knocks you off your feet and makes you feel like you’re floating.  My ex made me feel that way.  He made me feel like the most beautiful and amazing person ever.  I completely took him for granted and let all my insecurities tear us apart. He broke me and since then I haven’t been able to put all the pieces back together. I plan to spend some time working on that while I am in Bolivia this summer.  There has to be a worth while after him.  He can’t be the end.  God needs to take away these feelings and let me heal. I derserve to be happy. I don’t necessarily need to be happy with someone else but I deserve the chance to not feel so broken. I want to be whole again. Today I talked to the pastor of my church and I plan to meet with him before I leave so that he can pray with me.  I just really hope that I get the new job because that will make it easier on the ex and I. I think it would be better for both of us if we didn’t see each other all the time. He told me that he would miss me if i left but I still think it would be better for both of us if the new job comes through. I just hope that God agrees that this new job is the best place for me. Life is about changes and I think it is definitely time for some changes in my life.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s