Perception

I find it so interesting how other people think they know so much about you without even knowing you. Working at a high school I see a lot of this every day but I have noticed that it is even worse at church. Going to church is very important to me, but I feel like so many of the people at church judge me based on their own perceptions. I try really hard not to judge people because I don’t feel like that’s my job. God is our true judge and he is the only one that truly has the whole story. I know that I am far from perfect but I’m still not sure why so many people judge me so harshly. It seems like so many people see me as this manipulative person without a heart. I feel like people don’t see the real me at all. I know that I keep a lot of things to myself but I still don’t understand why that would make people think about me the way they do. I refuse to live my life worried about how other people feel about me but it still hurts when I discover that they feelings like that about me. I think part of the problem at church is that my ex said a lot of things that he shouldn’t have during a time a few months after we broke up. He was jealous because I was trying to move on so he trash talked me to other people at church. The crazy thing about the whole situation is that I never did that to him. I still haven’t done that to him. He’s definitely not the man I thought he was when we met and I’m not even sure he is the man I fell in love with. He has become this man that can use someone and then walk away. If that is his true character than I’m not even sure what I saw in him from the beginning. Maybe the problem is just the way he feels about me and not his whole character but I know that the way he treats me sucks. He’s told me that I am important to him and that he will always love me but then he treats me like I don’t matter. I almost let myself fall into the same trap with him again. I wish walking away was easier but unfortunately it is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I still haven’t found out about the new job and I only work four days this week. I don’t know what God’s plan is for me but I sure wish he would show it to me. I need his guidance right now because I feel lost. I am about to embark on a new chapter in my life and I need to leave the old one here. I need to leave the past behind. I need to heal for once and for all. He played a big part in my life but I don’t think it is in the plans for him to stay in my life. He has shown me that in so many ways and I need to listen to my head and not my heart on this one. It is time to let him go. Today is his birthday and I will wish him a happy birthday but then I am not going to contact him anymore. He knows how to reach me if he really wants to communicate. He said he would try to keep up with me while I was in Bolivia but I don’t believe that. I seriously doubt I will hear from him at all. He has plenty of distractions here and I won’t even cross his mind.

Last Full Week of the School Year

So today marks the end of my last full week of school. It is so hard to believe that I have almost finished my eighth year of teaching. I am still so uncertain about what will happen next year.  I haven’t heard about the other job yet but I know that if I stay at my current job I will be completely miserable. I leave for Bolivia in nine days so I really hope I find out about the job this week. I am trying really hard not to get stressed out about my job for next year. My new principal has completely changed our English department and it will be insane if I have to stay.

Today I saw my 7th period class for the last time. I know that I should be sentimental about it but I am so glad that I don’t have to deal with them anymore. I have all their grades done but I’m still not done grading the research papers for my 4th period class. I guess I will have to take care of that on Tuesday. I will also have my last LPAC Meeting on Tuesday.  I can’t believe that I won’t be teaching ESL next year. I guess whether or not I get a new job I will still have a unique experience next year since everything is changing. I wrote several notes today to my fellow teachers because I just felt the need to say thank you. I’m not sure what will happen with the job but I feel like things are going to be different next year regardless.

On another note, I have been binge watching the first season of “Gotham” and I love it. I love that all the villains appear in the show as children or regular people. I am trying to finish watching the show before I leave for Bolivia. My daughter and I have both been watching it. It is strange how life works. I wonder how I am going to feel when I get back from Bolivia in July.

Sex

Why does this three letter word cause so much stress and confusion in our daily lives? I am a Christian and I know that God really doesn’t want us having sex outside the bonds of marriage.  I will admit that this is a weakness for me. When I was younger I didn’t really get what made sex so special. I had boyfriends and I had sex but I never really thought it was that great. I even dated women for about three years thinking that sex would be better with them. I enjoyed sex with women but I didn’t like the drama and emotional baggage that came with it. I met my first husband when I was 22. The first time we had sex was also the first time I had been with a man in over two years. I thought I wanted to get married and have a family so that’s what I did. I loved him but I’m honestly not sure I was ever in love with him. We were married for ten years and it wasn’t until I turned thirty that I truly discovered the joys of sex. After our divorce I went a little crazy because I was really interested in sex. I met my second husband and then I finally calmed down.  We got married and constantly experimented when it came to sex. We had sex in a porn shop and we even went to a topless bar together one night.  We always enjoyed each other and we had complete trust with in our relationship. I honestly knew that I could do anything to him. After our divorce I completely changed. I started dating the ex and he went to church and he was really religious. I became a lot more submissive when it came to sex and I never really showed him my true sexual nature. I was always worried about what he would think about me. I always thought he was going to judge me for my actions. I was afraid that he wouldn’t like me the way I really was. When we broke up I changed again. I quit worrying about what people would think of me and I started expressing myself however I wanted to when it came to sex. I definitely have my limits but I have sex on my terms. My ex and I started having sex again last fall and although we don’t have sex all the time we have had sex over several months. I have really shown him a different side of me in the last few months. I have realized that we have similar tastes and I would never have believed that before. I hope I get the opportunity to try out some of my fantasies on him. Life is short and although I know it’s wrong I still want to be with him. I don’t think I have ever wanted anyone as badly as I want him.

Pushing Boundaries

Society has all sorts of boundaries within the bounds of relationships. One of my students asked me today how long I’ve been single.  The question struck me as odd.  I started thinking about it and I realized that even though I haven’t been in a real relationship since last summer that I don’t feel like I’ve been alone. I have dated and I have spent time with my ex. I just haven’t really found the need to be in a real relationship with anyone. I think I have gotten used to being on my own and at this point it would take a very special man to convince me that I need to give up my freedom.

I am about to be traveling to a country where I am going to have to respect the boundaries in an unfamiliar place. I will have to work hard to fit into a new place. I am really looking forward to meeting the new challenges of traveling to a developing country.  I have always been pretty spoiled when it came to my life.  I look forward to being able to test the limits of my comfort while I live in Bolivia. I have wanted to simplify my life for the last couple of years and now  it’s going to happen for at least six weeks.

Last Monday

So today was the last Monday of the school year. It started off kind of rocky this morning but it ended up okay in the end. Friday is the last I will see all my students.  I’m really looking forward to being done with my 7th period class.  I was trying to talk to them today about due dates and they couldn’t even be bothered to listen. That particular class has pretty much been the bane of my existence this whole semester. I still haven’t heard about the new job but I’m trying to stay hopeful.  I need a change and I really hope the new job is what I need.

Heavy Heart

So I only have two days until the anniversary of my father’s death.  Today my heart is sad.  Sad for the loss of my father and sad for the loss of the love of my life. I have felt like I would be alone for the rest of my life for some time but now it has become clear that without him I’m not sure I can find my fairy tale.  I never believed my second husband when he used to talk about fairy tale love.  I thought he was ridiculous and immature.  Then I met the ex and my whole world changed. He is the man that caused me to have a before and after.  My life before him was filled with people that I cared about and loved but there really wasn’t any great love.  I didn’t have the kind of love that knocks you off your feet and makes you feel like you’re floating.  My ex made me feel that way.  He made me feel like the most beautiful and amazing person ever.  I completely took him for granted and let all my insecurities tear us apart. He broke me and since then I haven’t been able to put all the pieces back together. I plan to spend some time working on that while I am in Bolivia this summer.  There has to be a worth while after him.  He can’t be the end.  God needs to take away these feelings and let me heal. I derserve to be happy. I don’t necessarily need to be happy with someone else but I deserve the chance to not feel so broken. I want to be whole again. Today I talked to the pastor of my church and I plan to meet with him before I leave so that he can pray with me.  I just really hope that I get the new job because that will make it easier on the ex and I. I think it would be better for both of us if we didn’t see each other all the time. He told me that he would miss me if i left but I still think it would be better for both of us if the new job comes through. I just hope that God agrees that this new job is the best place for me. Life is about changes and I think it is definitely time for some changes in my life.

Series of Conversations that Led to Closure

When I stopped seeing the guy I had been seeing I was really worried that I would fall into the same trap with my ex again.  It seems like when I have been single this year that we have gravitated to each other.  There was no rhyme or reason to it and for the most part it was about sex. It broke my heart a little more every time it happened but yet I couldn’t walk away. The last few weeks I have realized how much happier I am on my own. I would still love to be in a relationship but I know I’m not ready for that. So this weekend was kind of a test. My ex showed up in my classroom after school on Friday unexpectedly.  He was friendly so we talked. Friday night my ex texted me so again we talked. A couple of months ago, I would probably have spent Friday night in bed with him. Instead I had a two hour conversation with him and then I went to bed. Last night he texted me again. A part of me wanted him to come over last night and make love to me one last time. I know that it wouldn’t change anything but a part of me really wanted it anyway. Instead, I had a real conversation with him about what we had been doing for months. I asked questions that I had been too afraid to ask. I also finally got some answers that will help me finally walk away.  I will always love this man but I know that it is time to let him go. The next few weeks are going to bring a lot of changes to my life. I may get a new job and I am about to embark on an amazing journey of discovery  in Bolivia. I don’t necessarily think we will ever be completely out of each other’s lives but I do think the chance of us ever getting back together is behind us.

My best friend made a statement to me yesterday about the three of us being obsessed with each other.  I’m not sure if that is true or not but I  do know one thing, it needs to end.  We don’t need to stay so wrapped up in each other.  My best friend is interested in another woman but he says he’s not. I think part of it has to do with me. He needs to move on with his life too. He needs to find someone else to focus his energies on. He is definitely my best friend but that needs to be where it ends. I need to move away from the past completely.  I am really hoping that I can do that while I am in Bolivia.

It is so funny how much can change in a year. I would never have thought I would be where I am today a year ago. My father has been gone almost a year and I honestly think his death has made me see things with a clearer focus. I would love to be able to sit down and talk to my dad one last time but I know in my heart that he knows how much I loved him. I plan to live the rest of my life in a way that he could be proud of me.

Desire

I’m sure with a title like desire you would expect this post to be about physical attraction but it’s not.  My desire at this moment has nothing to do with lust or sex or even a physical person.  My desire today is for an amazing job.  My interview was awsome and I want the job more than I have wanted anything in a long time. The job would be such a great experience for me and I just hope the principal agrees. She told me today that they were concluding interviews tomorrow and then they were planning on making a decision pretty quickly.  I really hope I find out something before I have to leave for Bolivia.

On another note I have discovered the beauty of being on my own. My ex once told me that I don’t know how to be alone.  I can definitely say that he is wrong.  I have enjoyed being on my own lately.  I enjoy spending time with my friends and alone.  I have learned to be even more independent than I was before all this happen.  It is so funny how time can change you.

Interview Jitters

So this morning I called in at work for a half day so that i could go on an interview.  I feel a bit guilty about it but I really didn’t have a choice.  I don’t have a good relationship with my principal so it isn’t like I could be honest with her. I think she has probably already gotten a phone call from the district I am interviewing with but I still don’t really feel comfortable talking to her about it. I’m so nervous about this interview because for the first time in eight years I really need this job. I need to get away from my old school. I think it is so easy to get comfortable in a job and then you stop growing. My job no longer holds any new challenges for me.  My principal has lead me to believe that if I stay at my current school then I will have any less challenge next year professionally.  She intends to test the bounds of my emotional strength by putting me on a growth plan and forcing me to have meetings with her every three weeks. Hopefully the interviewe will go well and I can start a new challenge at a new school next year. I am excited about meeting the principal because we share the same alma maters.  She went to UNT for her undergraduate and to UTA for her master’s degree. I just wish it wasn’t raining so hard this morning. I know that rain rejuvenuates the earth but it is such a pain when you are trying to make a good impression.