I finally figured out why I have let my ex get away with the situation we have been in since September. I think it was just easier for me to be with my ex than to put myself out their and meet someone new. My ex knows me and it was easy to call him and convince him to come and stay with me. I have never understood why he went along with it. I have never understood why he was ok with the situation because it always seemed so unlike the man I used to know. He has a way with me that no one else does. He knows how to make me want him even when I think I don’t. It is definitely time to let him go. I need to let him live his life and I need to live mine.
Now I have a chance with a new guy who is far from perfect but I am really struggling to let him in. I’m finding it hard to trust. He treats me so well and he really seems interested in me. He doesn’t give up easily and for some reason he seems to like me. We keep talking despite the fact that I told him days ago that I wasn’t sure how I felt about him. I am trying so hard to move on but I feel paralyzed in a sense. I want so badly to trust and experience love again but at the same time I am scared today. He doesn’t share my faith and I’m not sure I can get past that. I don’t want to live a life that is divided between my time with him and my time with God. I want a man that will pray with me and go to church with me. I don’t think that is asking too much.
Another issue that I’m facing is my best friend. He has been through so much in the last year. I am trying to do everything I can to support him. I want him to crawl out of the hole he has dropped himself into and have much brighter days in the future. He is such a good man at heart and despite everything I will probably always love him. He has made some really bad choices lately but I hope his life will finally turn around. He deserves to be happy.
So today my oldest child turned 15! It seems like yesterday that I was bringing her home from the hospital! I am so proud of the young woman that she is becoming! I don’t always agree with her choices but I love her deeply and I will always support her! I bought her a skateboard for her birthday which she was so excited about!
I hope I can always make her this happy on her birthday!
Today the kids and I spent all day at London Track Complex on the TCU campus. We were participating in Relay for Life! This is the third year and a row that my children and I have participated. My daughter got to get her picture taken with the TCU mascot!
My son got to play sheriff of our fundraising jail today too!
All day I was thinking about my dad! We were participating today in memory of my dad!
Tonight I’m so grateful for the wonderful friends I have that participate in relay every year! I hope that one day we can eliminate cancer from our lives completely!
It is hard to connect with teenagers these days so the fact that I have been able to connect with my kids the last two days is amazing! Last night I cooked dinner with my daughter which was a lot of fun. She was worried about not doing things right which I told her was okay. We were both experimenting with a new recipe so neither of us really knew what we were doing. I think she enjoyed it as much as I did.
Tonight the kids went to dinner with their dad for his birthday and when they came home they were both pretending to be characters. My daughter was Batman and my son was Hal. So after talking in their characters for a few minutes they went upstairs. At 8:30 it was time for my son’s shower so instead of calling him by name I called him Hal. I told him it was time to go through his clean cycle. He immediately responded that he needed to go through a host body decontamination. My daughter responded by telling me that I was awesome. Needless to say my daughter thought that was the funniest thing ever. Apparently I’m the cool mom again!!
Life is strange because you would think that I would have extremely positive vibes about the new guy after spending the whole weekend with him but now I’m starting to have doubts! I realized this morning that I’m not sure how I feel about him. He was really great this weekend and helped me out so much but then last night he made some comments that rubbed me then wrong way. We’ve only been seeing each other for a few weeks but I felt like he was complaining about things! We’ve only had sex a few times and honestly it wasn’t that great! He complained last night because I haven’t initiated sex! It put me off a little that he would be concerned about that at this point in our situation! We haven’t even made anything official so to speak! Then he complained about the fact that he always comes to my house! The thing is that I live in a nice house and he lives in an apartment! I have no problem with going his direction occasionally but I have dogs and he lives an hour away! I have my doubts about us to begin with so these complaints concern me a bit! I’m trying really hard not to blow him off but I’m not sure this is the right situation for me!
It always strikes me how periods of indecision can seem to become mountains when stress is added to it. For the last few months I have been feeling like I am on shaky ground when it comes to my job. My principal seems to be unhappy with everything I do and I have started feeling like it won’t matter what I do she won’t be happy. I have always cared deeply about my students and my job but now I am just at a loss. I know that God provides and I have to believe that if I lose my job that something else will be there. I have enjoyed teaching but I worry that maybe with all the recent changes it is time for me to start thinking about something else. Honestly if i could make money writing I think I would give up teaching in a heartbeat. I really do enjoy my students though so it would be nice if I could keep doing it.
On another note, I am still a bit unsure about my new relationship and about walking away from my ex. I really like the new guy and he is so incredibly sweet but it is still hard to be with someone new. It is hard not to turn to the ex when bad stuff happens at school because he completely understands. Things with the new guy are very different than with the ex and I know that they should be but it feels weird. I know it is time for me to move on and try and be happy without my ex. He has no idea what he wants and I always end up getting hurt when it comes to him because I always want more than he can give me. I deserve to be treated well and that is what the new guy is trying to do.