The Choices We Make

I finally figured out why I have let my ex get away with the situation we have been in since September.  I think it was just easier for me to be with my ex than to put myself out their and meet someone new.  My ex knows me and it was easy to call him and convince him to come and stay with me.  I have never understood why he went along with it.  I have never understood why he was ok with the situation because it always seemed so unlike the man I used to know. He has a way with me that no one else does.  He knows how to make me want him even when I think I don’t.  It is definitely time to let him go.  I need to let him live his life and I need to live mine.

Now I have a chance with a new guy who is far from perfect but I am really struggling to let him in.  I’m finding it hard to trust. He treats me so well and he really seems interested in me.  He doesn’t give up easily and for some reason he seems to like me. We keep talking despite the fact that I told him days ago that I wasn’t sure how I felt about him. I am trying so hard to move on but I feel paralyzed in a sense. I want so badly to trust and experience love again but at the same time I am scared today. He doesn’t share my faith and I’m not sure I can get past that.  I don’t want to live a life that is divided between my time with him and my time with God.  I want a man that will pray with me and go to church with me. I don’t think that is asking too much.

Another issue that I’m facing is my best friend.  He has been through so much in the last year. I am trying to do everything I can to support him.  I want him to crawl out of the hole he has dropped himself into and have much brighter days in the future.  He is such a good man at heart and despite everything I will probably always love him.  He has made some really bad choices lately but I hope his life will finally turn around.  He deserves to be happy.

15

So today my oldest child turned 15!  It seems like yesterday that I was bringing her home from the hospital! I am so proud of the young woman that she is becoming! I don’t always agree with her choices but I love her deeply and I will always support her! I bought her a skateboard for her birthday which she was so excited about! 

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I hope I can always make her this happy on her birthday!

Relay for Life

Today the kids and I spent all day at London Track Complex on the TCU campus. We were participating in Relay for Life! This is the third year and a row that my children and I have participated. My daughter got to get her picture taken with the TCU mascot!

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My son got to play sheriff of our fundraising jail today too!

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All day I was thinking about my dad!  We were participating today in memory of my dad!

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Tonight I’m so grateful for the wonderful friends I have that participate in relay every year! I hope that one day we can eliminate cancer from our lives completely!

Rare Moments

It is hard to connect with teenagers these days so the fact that I have  been able to connect with my kids the last two days is amazing! Last night I cooked dinner with my daughter which was a lot of fun.  She was worried about not doing things right which I told her was okay. We were both experimenting with a new recipe so neither of us really knew what we were doing.  I think she enjoyed it as much as I did.

Tonight the kids went to dinner with their dad for his birthday and when they came home they were both pretending to be characters.  My daughter was Batman and my son was Hal.  So after talking in their characters for a few minutes they went upstairs. At 8:30 it was time for my son’s shower so instead of calling him by name I called him Hal. I told him it was time to go through his clean cycle. He immediately responded that he needed to go through a host body decontamination.  My daughter responded by telling me that I was awesome. Needless to say my daughter thought that was the funniest thing ever. Apparently I’m the cool mom again!!

Doubt

Life is strange because you would think that I would have extremely positive vibes about the new guy after spending the whole weekend with him but now I’m starting to have doubts! I realized this morning that I’m not sure how I feel about him.  He was really great this weekend and helped me out so much but then last night he made some comments that rubbed me then wrong way.  We’ve only been seeing each other for a few weeks but I felt like he was complaining about things! We’ve only had sex a few times and honestly it wasn’t that great! He complained last night because  I haven’t initiated sex!  It put me off a little that he would be concerned about that at this point in our situation! We haven’t even made anything official so to speak! Then he complained about the fact that he always comes to my house!  The thing is that I live in a nice house and he lives in an apartment!  I have no problem with going his direction occasionally but I have dogs and he lives an hour away! I have my doubts about us to begin with so these complaints concern me a bit! I’m trying really hard not to blow him off but I’m not sure this is the right situation for me!

Indecision

It always strikes me how periods of indecision can seem to become mountains when stress is added to it.  For the last few months I have been feeling like I am on shaky ground when it comes to my job. My principal seems to be unhappy with everything I do and I have started feeling like it won’t matter what I do she won’t be happy.  I have always cared deeply about my students and my job but now I am just at a loss.  I know that God provides and I have to believe that if I lose my job that something else will be there. I have enjoyed teaching but I worry that maybe with all the recent changes it is time for me to start thinking about something else.  Honestly if i could make money writing I think I would give up teaching in a heartbeat. I really do enjoy my students though so it would be nice if I could keep doing it.

On another note, I am still a bit unsure about my new relationship and about walking away from my ex. I really like the new guy and he is so incredibly sweet but it is still hard to be with someone new.  It is hard not to turn to the ex when bad stuff happens at school because he completely understands.  Things with the new guy are very different than with the ex and I know that they should be but it feels weird. I know it is time for me to move on and try and be happy without my ex.  He has no idea what he wants and I always end up getting hurt when it comes to him because I always want more than he can give me. I deserve to be treated well and that is what the new guy is trying to do.

Namesakes

So yesterday my kids, my mom and I had lunch with some family friends.  The gentleman also happens to be my son’s namesake.  The couple used to live around a block away from my parents but now they live in Houston. We don’t get to see them very often so it was really nice to catch up over lunch.  After lunch we took some pictures.  My favorite picture is the one of my son and his namesake.IMG_3544

Every time I look at these pictures of my son I can’t get over how big he has gotten. 13 years old and he is already taller than me and almost as tall as his sister. I’m so worried that he is going to grow 3 or 4 inches this summer while I’m in Bolivia.  He changes every day and I’m going to miss out on six weeks of his growing and changing this summer.  I’m really excited about my trip but I’m not looking forward to being away from my kids over half the summer.

Anticipation

Have you ever been in a situation where you have thought about something so much that when it finally happens you are disappointed? So I started talking to the new guy a few weeks before I left for Spain but we have only really gotten to know each other in the last few weeks since I’ve been home. We talk every day and now we have spent time together the last two weekends. I really like him but now I’m starting to wonder whether or not he will be able to maintain my interest.  I’m worried that things changed last night.  We made love for the first time last night.  This is the first time I have been with anyone other than the ex in a really long time. It was very different than I expected and now I’m left wondering whether or not we are going to be ok.  It wasn’t bad and he is extremely loving but it honestly made me miss my ex and I don’t think I should be missing him when I’m trying to start something with someone else.  On another note, it was really nice to wake up with him this morning.  He reached over and held me while I was snoozing my alarm clock.  I don’t know, maybe I’m just confused because it is someone new.

Beginning Something New

So I went out with the new guy on Friday and it was great.  We spent like ten hours together and I honestly didn’t want the date to end.  He’s a really nice guy and I am looking forward to spending more time with him. We spent time together on Saturday too but it was much more low key. We watched a movie at his apartment. It is scary to let myself get involved with someone new especially after everything that has happened but I know I can keep waiting around for my ex. He actually knows all about my ex and he still didn’t run. I want a fresh start so I’m really hoping things go well with this guy. He may not be the person I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with but at least he seems like he will be good to me.  He wants to see me and spend time with me.  I deserve happiness and maybe I finally have a chance to find it with this new guy.

I haven’t spoken to my ex-fiance in a couple of weeks now.  He hasn’t posted anything new on Facebook and I honestly don’t know if he’s ok or not. I could text his mom and find out but I don’t want to bother her. I know that he is not the most stable so I don’t want to alarm his mom.