So I have read others posts about online dating as well as experienced my own share of craziness associated with it. I have canceled all my subscriptions but a guy randomly sent me a message about a week or so before I went to Spain. He sent me a message telling me that he thought I was cute but that I was way out of his league. We started a casual conversation back and forth. We have this easy banter between us that I haven’t found with anyone else recently. We have talked a lot since I have gotten back from Spain and despite my better judgement I am going to meet him on Friday. He has two obvious flaws that would make a relationship between us difficult but I can’t help it. He intrigues me and I can’t put my finger on why exactly. I think part of it has to do with his sarcasm and his ability to laugh at everything. In his own way he challenges me which I haven’t found in a man lately. We have become the most unlikely of friends but I feel like that is something more under the surface. I am really looking forward to meeting him on Friday.
So today was the first day of this year’s STAAR tests. If you’re not from Texas you probably haven’t heard of STAAR but those of us that live in Texas never hear the end of it. I had to administer the English 1 test. I always have to administer tests when the STAAR comes around but today was especially awkward because I had to spend the whole day next to my ex. I was supposed to be in another room but this morning they had to change it so I ended up being in the library right outside the lab that my ex was administering a test in. I tried my best just to act as normal as possible but I’ll be honest there were times that it was hard to concentrate with him so close to me. I felt like he was watching me part of the time and a few times I felt like he was coming up behind me. It was so odd because there were times that I could feel his movements behind me despite the fact that I wasn’t looking at him. He kept engaging me in conversation which just made things even stranger. We haven’t talked very much since I got back from Spain and I refuse to be the one that continues the contact. I have to administer another test on Thursday and I really hope I’m not forced to deal with my ex for two days this week.
Why is it that certain people can manipulate us to do things? I realized this week that my ex has been manipulating me for quite a while. Every time I think I am ready to walk away he shows back up in my life. He will text me when I don’t expect him to or he will poke me on Facebook completely out of the blue. The sad thing about it is that I fall for it every time. I want him to want me. I want to get those texts from him and I want to see him. Someone told me last night that it was about mutual attraction and that was why I hadn’t let go of my ex. I completely disagree with this statement because I have been attracted to other people. I have even had sex with other people but it doesn’t change the fact that no one else makes me feel the way he does. I can’t explain what it is about him that makes me love him so much but I just do. The last time we were together he asked me why I love him. I really wish I could put it into words because maybe if I understood why I feel the way I do then I could get over him. I want to move on and fall in love again but it just seems like I am stuck. Stuck with feelings that aren’t reciprocated for someone from my past. He is my past but yet he remains in my present and in my heart. Life is strange. I know that since I have been home from Spain I have felt differently about everything. I would love to have him in my life but I have come to realize that it is not so important anymore. I am ok by myself. I am actually pretty happy on my own. I am lucky enough to have some great friends and wonderful teenagers to drive me crazy on a daily basis. He is the only man I have been with for months but I also know that I need to stop this craziness between us. I have to stop sleeping with him in order to give myself a chance at happiness sometime in the future. I leave for Bolivia in seventy days so I don’t really have time for a relationship or the drama that goes along with it. I need to simplify my life and focus on what is good about it and not what I think I am lacking. I spent most of the day on Friday cleaning the house like a crazy person. My house still isn’t completely clean but it is so much better than when I started. I plan to keep working on the house over the next few weeks so that when I leave for Bolivia I won’t have to come home to a filthy house.
So the whole time I’ve been in Spain I’ve been with a group of eleven people counting myself! Interestingly enough, I am the second youngest person in our group not counting our guide! The youngest person is only four months younger than me! All of the ladies in the group are quite a bit older than me! I’m as far off in age with the guide as I am to the other ladies! It is actually quite strange! I like my group for the most part but I can definitely see differences too!
There are only two males in our whole group! The first one is our 27 year old guide that is from Spain and the second one is gay! I have to say it has been aninteresting trip! I can’t believe that I’m going home on Sunday! I’ve had so much fun and I’ve seen so many amazing things!
Isn’t it funny how out of no where you realize that you’re attracted to someone you shouldn’t be! So I have been traveling in Spain all week and we have this guide that is from Toledo, Spain! He has been great all week but I’ve noticed the last couple of days that I’m attracted to him! He is way too young for me and obviously I will never see him again but he is very cute and he is extremely sweet! He told me yesterday that he was surprised at my age because he thought I was a lot younger! We have had a few conversations but nothing really until tonight! Tonight he had offered to take us to an Irish Pub after dinner to celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day! I was the only one willing to go so it was just the two of us. I had never had Guinness so he bought me a Guinness! We drank our beer and talked and then he had these people take a picture of us in these ridiculous hats. The guy who loaned me his hat let me keep it. It was perfectly innocent but I’ll be honest I felt drawn to him!
On another note, I have met some incredible ladies on this trip. I would love to be able to do another trip like this in the future! Maybe I will be able too!!!
So today I had the privilege of taking a city bus from Madrid to Toledo! We spent almost all day exploring the historic city of Toledo! I am still jet lagged and tired from walking over 12,000 steps but it was a good day! I tried some authentic food and enjoyed exploring the city! Our group is pretty small and we are all teachers so it has been easy to connect with everyone!
This is a photo I took as we were leaving the city of Toledo this afternoon!