Today in church I heard two very important messages. The first has to do with the parable of the sower and the seed. We started Sunday school this morning reading the parable of the sower and the seed. I have heard the story many times but I got something completely different from the story this morning. One of the things that our teacher focused on this morning was the fact that Jesus used parables to reach the everyday people that could relate to the situations in the parables. Another thing he focused on was the fact that Jesus used the parables so that the people that were open to God’s word would get fulfillment from the parables but those that weren’t ready for God’s word would think they had just heard a good story. Another aspect that we focused on was the idea that if we have Christ in our life that our lives should bear fruit. We have discussed this concept many times before but today I sat in class wondering whether or not my life bears the fruit that it should. I know I am saved and I know that God’s word has an impact on my heart every time I study the bible either in Sunday school or even at home on my own. So I hear his words and I want to live my life the way he intends for me too. My biggest issue is that lately I’ve been feeling a little lost in terms of direction in my life. I feel like I should leave my ex behind but my heart just won’t let go. I pray for guidance and stength to endure whatever I need to move on with my life. I feel like everytime I start getting in a good place with my feelings, he comes back into my life in a way that prevents me from getting over him.
The second message I received today came from our actual worship service. We were studying Colossians and the pastor was preaching about community and the fact that in order to worship effectively you must be a part of a community. He referred to the type of people that we are expected to be which is compassionate, kind, humble, meek and patient. The pastor spoke about the difficulty of acheiving these goals within ourselves. The thing that struck me the most is that he emphasized that we should forgive those in our church community just like we were forgiven by Jesus. He preached about peace and joy and the idea that we should be thankful for our community. It is so interesting to me because he also mentioned that when we talk to God we won’t always have joy or be happy. I can completely relate to what he is saying. There have been days that I have heard exactly what I needed to go forward in a positive light but there have been just as many times that I have wallked out of chuch with a heavy heart. I have felt guilt or sadness over the words that have touched my soul during church services. I think it is important for us to remember that church isn’t always about things that make you feel good. God is going to tell you what you need to hear whether you like it or not. The key is whether or not you are actually listening to his words. I have struggled to hear God’s plan for me lately so this morning was really good for me.
So my dad was blood transfusion dependent the last four or five years of his life! The last few months he had to get blood every couple of weeks! I feel like it is important for me to give back for all the blood my dad received! I don’t give all the time but when Carter Blood Care called me a few weeks ago, I agreed to come in and give blood today! I am waiting right now to start the process! I have to hope that my donation will help someone else the way the blood my dad received helped him! They say you can save three lives so here goes!!!
So on Wednesday I went on yet another first date. Things went well but now it seems like this new guy is getting really clingy really fast. I went out with him again on Thursday. Friday he had something happen with his daughter so he never mentioned us getting together then but I did talk with him for awhile Friday night. Of course Friday night he seemed disappointed when I told him that I was going to be too busy to see him today. I usually want to spend time with someone new a lot but at the same time I like to have my own time too. I haven’t dated anyone in a long time that just wants to be with me all the time. I’m used to having my own life too. I have friends that I like to hang out with and I enjoy spending time with my kids. I am starting to wonder whether or not he’s the right type of guy for me. I think he may crowd me just a tad and I’m really not used to that. I spent quite a bit of time with my ex last weekend but I still had time to myself. I had time to do what I needed to do. I am trying really hard to give him a fair chance but between the other guys I have met and my feelings for my ex I worry things with this guy are just not going to work out. I want to believe these feeling are just about my ex but I’m starting to think I am getting a gut feeling that I should listen too. He barely knows me but he was asking me if I missed him today. I feel like that question puts me in a trap because there is no good way to answer it. I had a really good time with him on Wednesday but I’m just not sure how I feel about him now. I feel like he’s pushing me to completely know how I feel and I’m just not ready to make that kind of decision. He also has a strange view of things because he basically thinks that you shouldn’t go out with anyone else if you have gone on a couple of dates. I don’t believe in making a commitment to someone after a date or two. Actually that’s not true, I think if I really liked him then that wouldn’t matter to me. I know my ex and I decided to be exclusive after a very short period of time. The paramedic and I weren’t seeing anyone else and we only went out a few times over the course of three weeks or so, I guess I should pay attention to my reluctance to commit. I just don’t think I am that into him.
I used to think I could rely on other people to be there for me. I used to think that I could actually count on my friends. Now I have come to realize that the only person I can really rely on is myself. I have learned to deal with the death of my father as well as my broken heart. I was talking with my ex on Friday night and he mentioned being sorry for not being there for me when I was upset about my dad. I immediately reminded him that he wasn’t there for me when I put my dog down either. He has actually left me on my own to deal with lots of things. I have come to realize that I don’t really trust him to be there for me when things aren’t going well. I always try to be there for him but somehow when I need him he is rarely there. I know trust is important in any relationship but I would have to say that I don’t really trust anyone anymore. I used to think that I needed support because I was grieving for my dad but I finally figured out how to feel better about that on my own. I used to worry about my ex and all his ups and downs but now I realize they have nothing at all to do with me. I can’t control how he feels and I refuse to sit around and wait on him to decide what he wants. I’m going to live my life and do what makes me happy. If he decides he wants to be in it than he will make an effort. I leave for Spain in 18 days and I can’t wait to see what that adventure has in store for me.
Ok so last week really sucked. We had benchmark testing and an extended day on Friday after school. I went out with my English Department to a bar/restaturant off 7th street. I was really having a lot of fun with my co-workers, so when one of my pretty good friends mentioned that I should go with her to another bar I agreed. We proceeded to go to the Flying Saucer in downtown. We spent a couple more hours out having fun and hanging out. We were just about ready to leave when I got a text from my ex. I thought the text was completely out of the blue considering we hadn’t spoken in over a week. We started talking and he eventually came over and we watched a movie together. After that we sat up talking for over an hour until he grabbed me and pulled me to him. I eventually fell asleep in his arms. It was nice because it wasn’t about sex or anything like that. We just shared an intimacy and togetherness that has always been a part of what makes us special. We laid in bed Saturday morning trying to figure out what we were going to do on Saturday night for the date I thought we weren’t going to have. Apparently he hadn’t forgot about our date. We worked out the details and then he left so I could get to my hair appointment on time. I completely changed my hair so now I have a completely new look.
Here is a look at me after my date on Saturday night!!
Needless to say the ex and I had a great date on Saturday night but I am not counting on anything happening between the two of us.
Then Sunday I had my appointment to finish my tattoo. We started a little after 11am and I didn’t head home until almost 5pm. The tattoo took five mintues shy of four hours to finish yesterday. I wasn’t under the needle the whole day but I swear it felt like it. The last hour was terrible because by that point every part of my back was irritatied. I have to say that I am so happy with the finished product. Here it is for all the world to see in it’s glory!!
Then my day ended with a two and a half hour conversation with a new guy. It looks like I have a date Wednesday night. Needless to say my weekend turned out very different than what I expected.
I realized today that my posts have been a bit depressing the last couple of days and I’m done with that. Moving on in life is difficult but it is way past time for me to embrace it. I have so much in my life to be thankful for and I refuse to let one man take away my joy. It is definitely time to embrace life and stop living in the past. I heard the following song tonight when I was out running errands and it reaffirmed my need and desire to leave the past behind.
I have also realized that it is not just that I have to move on but I have to limit my contact with him. I can’t be friends with him no matter what. I will have to deal with him in limited doses at work and church but other than that it has to be no contact. Spain during spring break will be good for me because it will get me completely out of my normal surroundings and environment. My trip this summer should help me make the final break from the ex so that I can finally get on with my life. I may have to wait until I get back from Bolivia before I finally meet someone that I am actually ready to date but that may not be such a bad thing. The extra time will just give me more time to work on myself. The better version of myself that I can show the world, the more likely I am to meet a decent guy that I can have a real relationship with.
So I have often wondered about these words because I always hear in church that God will answer prayers in his time not ours. The part I don’t understand is the prayers that he never answers no matter how much you pray. I got my heart broken into a million pieces almost two years ago and every since that happened I have prayed that God would take away the pain and help me let go of my ex. Of course the only prayer he answered was the one about the pain. After awhile I stopped feeling so much pain but the love never went away or even diminished. I thought I was pretty much over the ex last August when I went back to school. I knew I still loved him but I had stopped thinking about him all the time and I had cut off the majority of my contact with him. Then what does he do? He comes back into my life with the guise of being worried about me because of the death of my father. Then he acts like he wants us to try again. During this time period I started thinking that maybe God had left me feeling this way because we were supposed to be together. Early last fall the ex went to a Garth Brooks concert with his daugther and he posted a video of the concert with him singing Unanswered Prayers. He has a beautiful voice and I honestly thought it was God’s will bringing us back together. Obviously I was in some sort of stupor because we never got back together and we are not exactly in a good place at the moment. The crazy thing is that I have kept praying for resolution or closure when it comes to him but I still haven’t managed to get it. It has been almost two years and I still love him so much. It is just something about the way it makes me feel to be around him. When we are together it is like nothing has ever changed between us but then he will just get really cold. I want to move on and get over him completely but I haven’t figured out why God won’t show me the way to do that. I know I will probably never love anyone the way I loved him but I would still like to fall in love again. I would still like to have a future with someone else. So I guess I have to just keep waiting on God to answer that prayer.
It always astounds me that people are so quick to lie over just telling the truth. I know that sometimes you can spare someone’s feelings by lying but you also hurt them more in the long run. On a whim I asked my ex out a while back. Our date was supposed to be this Saturday but we haven’t even been talking lately. I seriously contemplated sending him a message earlier asking him if we still have plans or not but now I’m thinking I would be better off to just to let it go. He and I want different things and it is foolish to believe or even hope that we will ever be on the same page again. We have been broken up for almost two years and I can honestly say he is not the man I thought he was. When the two of us broke up I had such a complex about sex because he made me feel so guilty about us having sex. He always blamed me for the sex even though he was the one who initiated it. In the last few months he has initiated sex everytime we’ve had it. There were several times that I told him that I wasn’t even interested in sex but he still managed to find a way to have sex anyway. I always thought he was such a good man but I am starting to realize that he is just a selfish horny jerk like almost every other guy out there. He knows how I feel about him but he has managed to use it against me for months. I refuse to be his option anymore. I am not option material. I have a good job, a good education and I’m reasonably attractive. Parents usually love me and one day I will make someone a good wife again, I hope. My truth is that I fell in love with the wrong guy twice. Once when I was going through my divorce from my second husband and once when I was trying to get over my ex. I leave for Spain in less than a month so right now I need to focus on that and nothing else!!!
So I have had every intention of getting healthy since I finished my grad school classes but it hasn’t happen so far. Life has been so busy that I just haven’t been able to focus on my diet or exercise. Now I am leaving to go out of town in less than a month so it is time to get serious. I finally decided to start back up with T-25. So tonight I got up off my lazy ass and I actually did the Cardio workout for day 1. It was a rough workout but I made it through it. Now I just have to keep going and get up and do it all over again tomorrow. I don’t expect servere changes in a month but I am hoping I can feel better about myself. I plan to hold myself accountable this time. This picture represents day 1!!
So today should have been my dad’s 79th birthday. I haven’t spent a lot of time thinking about my dad but it has crossed my mind a few times today. In addition to missing my dad I am also dealing with being alone on a day that is designed for couples. I have to say that my weekend has been pretty good though. I spent Friday having a nice dinner with my kids and then doing some shopping. Yesterday my kids and I cleaned part of the house and then watched the “Minions” last night. Then after the movie my kids made fun of me while I attempted to play a game called Silent Hill. It was so much fun having my kids piled on my bed trying to help me play a video game. I have to say that I am pretty terrible at video games but I do enjoy trying. It is so funny how I could be totally dreading the weekend and then end up really enjoying my kids. They have both been so interested in other things lately that it has been awhile since they hung out with me. I really enjoy spending time with them. I am so incredibly lucky to have them. I honestly don’t think I would even mind being single if my kids were home all the time. I go to Spain in less than a month so I need to start focsing on making myself feel as good as possible. I have got to start eating healthy so that I will feel better by the time I leave for Spain. Life is short and I plan to make the most of it with or without a man!!!