Full of Doubt

So I will admit that I am not the most trusting person when it comes to men. In the last three years I have found out that my husband spent time in a foreign country with his ex-wife behind my back. That relationship ended when I finally bought my current house and moved out.

Then I met the ex and I thought I had found the man of my dreams. I thought I had finally met the man that I would spend the rest of my life with. We were together for eight months and then he walked away with very little explanation. I was completely heartbroken and it was so difficult to walk away from him. I started dating another guy a couple months later but I never really felt right about it.

Then I met my best friend at church and we spent a year together. He was wonderful for me in so many ways but I couldn’t marry him. Then I found out he lied to me for months and it completely broke my heart. I still think about him sometimes but I don’t miss him the way I used too.
At the beginning of this school year the ex came waltzing into my life like he belonged. Yet again he convinced me that he wasn’t going anywhere when in actuality we weren’t going anywhere. I spent four months hoping and believing that we would figure out a way to be together despite all the time we had been apart. Somewhere around the first of the year I figured out that I was wasting my time waiting on him. I will probably love him for the rest of my life but I just can’t sit around being miserable because he can’t figure out what he wants or how he feels.

Now to my current situation with the paramedic. When we first started talking he seemed very attentive and interested in me. We talked for over a week before we actually met. We had our first and second date last Saturday and they both went fairly well. Then we still talked over the next few days. He came over Tuesday night and had dinner with my kids and I. He seemed preoccupied but he told me he was just tired. I didn’t talk to him that much on Wednesday or Thursday and I haven’t even heard from him so far today. I know i shouldn’t worry so much about him and the situation because it is still so new but I don’t trust easy after everything that has happened over the last three years.

Today I started having doubts about him and my decision to let go of my ex. Why is it so hard for me to let go of him? He is not that special and he is incredible difficult to deal with. Maybe I’m just thinking about him because I know the anniversary of his father’s death is on Sunday.

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