Understanding

I think that I have come to realize that not all men are the same.  The paramedic startled me when he referred to us as a relationship because I’m not used to that anymore.  The ex was always so noncommittal about everything even when we were making plans.  I never knew whether or not he was going to bail on me at the last minute.  The paramedic has a crazy schedule but I think I can believe it when he says he wants to see me and spend time with me.  He actually talks about the future which is a nice change from what I’m used too.  I don’t know whether or not he’s actually my boyfriend or not but I’m ok with that because I know we are communicating about things.  We actually talked about Easter last night which is like two months away.  I told him if he felt comfortable with it that I would make his son an Easter Basket the way I always make them for my kids.  I want his son to actually feel like a woman can care about him since he doesn’t have that with his mom. I think I actually like the idea of being in a relationship again.  It has definitely been awhile since I actually felt like I was involved with anyone.  He is so supportive of my summer plans and he even seems excited for me about my trip to Spain.  It is so nice to be around someone that I feel really supports me continuously and not just when it’s convenient for him.

On another note, one of my longest friends lost her father yesterday.  I feel so horrible for her because she lost her mom almost 15 years ago.  Her dad has been suffering from Alzheimer’s which has been really difficult but I know it was hard for her to lose him completely.  I guess I was really lucky with my dad because he knew me all the way up until the end. I know I have to go to the funeral which means I may not get to see the paramedic this weekend but I know that he will understand because he’s a good guy.

Confusion

Why is it that men always have to leave you in such a sense of confusion? I think it is so simple. Either he likes me or he doesn’t. Either he wants to be with me or not. I feel like I have moved from one confusing man to another. He referred to our situation as a relationship last night. I’m not sure that he meant we are in a relationship or that we could potentially have a relationship. I was literally dying to ask but I didn’t because most guys get weird when you want them to put labels on things. We’ve been talking for about three weeks but we have only had three dates. I’m honestly not sure I’m ready to put the relationship label on what we have right now. I do like him and I want to get to know him better but it still seems strange to call it a relationship. I could also be suffering from confusion because my ex had no problem sleeping with me but he wouldn’t even consider us getting back together or us being seen together in public. Am I really ready to be in a relationship? Am I ready to have someone call me their girlfriend again? Do I ask him what we are doing or do I just wait it out until he’s ready to talk about it? I guess if I go to Decatur on Saturday maybe I will have a better idea where we stand. I really want to see him but I’m not looking forward to driving all the way back from Decatur on Saturday night. The other thing I am considering is whether or not I’m doing all the work for us to see each other.  Of course he did invite me to the race so we could hang out.  He was also very honest about his race schedule when we first started talking.  Besides I would kind of like to see his little boy race.

Life’s Questions

So yesterday the paramedic was asking me to come and spend the night in Decatur with him next weekend and now he’s backing off. This is why I didn’t want to get involved with anyone else. He says that he would like to be in a relationship but he doesn’t really care if he is or isn’t. I guess I don’t get that because you either want someone in your life or you don’t. He seems like a nice guy buy I’m starting to wonder whether or not he’s worth the trouble. I don’t mind driving to Decatur for the race but that’s a long way to go just to turn around and come home that night. I think things between us are starting to deteriorate before they have even gotten started. Maybe I’m not ready to be involved with anyone even on a casual basis. I have no interest in being involved with another man that is going to be so difficult.

On another note today was the one year anniversary of the death of my ex’s dad. I know that today must have been really hard for him but yet again he didn’t reach out to me. He never even said hello today at church so i guess we’re not even friends anymore. He promised that I wouldn’t lose his friendship but I did. Somehow I knew that would happen because you can’t stay friends with someone that you are having sex with. We haven’t had sex in almost a month but that still doesn’t change the fact that for four months we kept crossing boundaries that should never have been crossed. I wish I wasn’t worried about him or how he is feeling but I am. I want him to be ok and to find his happiness even if it has nothing to do with me. I will keep praying for him the way I have been for the last few weeks and hope for the best.

Insecurity

I really wish that I could say that I don’t suffer from insecurity within relationships but I would be lying. I talked with the paramedic today and I thought he was losing interest but he asked me to go camping with him next Saturday. Apparently the race he and his son have to go to next weekend is in Decatur and he asked me if I would like to drive up on Saturday and spend the night. I’m honestly not sure how I feel about spending the night in a trailer with him but it was really cool of him to ask me. I guess I should just relax and stop jumping to conclusions.
On another note, I have been doing a lot of reading about Bolivia to get ready for my trip. I still can’t believe that I am pushing myself so far outside of my comfort zone. This trip is going to change my life and my whole perspective. I hope that I can use my experiences to become an even better teacher and mother.

Full of Doubt

So I will admit that I am not the most trusting person when it comes to men. In the last three years I have found out that my husband spent time in a foreign country with his ex-wife behind my back. That relationship ended when I finally bought my current house and moved out.

Then I met the ex and I thought I had found the man of my dreams. I thought I had finally met the man that I would spend the rest of my life with. We were together for eight months and then he walked away with very little explanation. I was completely heartbroken and it was so difficult to walk away from him. I started dating another guy a couple months later but I never really felt right about it.

Then I met my best friend at church and we spent a year together. He was wonderful for me in so many ways but I couldn’t marry him. Then I found out he lied to me for months and it completely broke my heart. I still think about him sometimes but I don’t miss him the way I used too.
At the beginning of this school year the ex came waltzing into my life like he belonged. Yet again he convinced me that he wasn’t going anywhere when in actuality we weren’t going anywhere. I spent four months hoping and believing that we would figure out a way to be together despite all the time we had been apart. Somewhere around the first of the year I figured out that I was wasting my time waiting on him. I will probably love him for the rest of my life but I just can’t sit around being miserable because he can’t figure out what he wants or how he feels.

Now to my current situation with the paramedic. When we first started talking he seemed very attentive and interested in me. We talked for over a week before we actually met. We had our first and second date last Saturday and they both went fairly well. Then we still talked over the next few days. He came over Tuesday night and had dinner with my kids and I. He seemed preoccupied but he told me he was just tired. I didn’t talk to him that much on Wednesday or Thursday and I haven’t even heard from him so far today. I know i shouldn’t worry so much about him and the situation because it is still so new but I don’t trust easy after everything that has happened over the last three years.

Today I started having doubts about him and my decision to let go of my ex. Why is it so hard for me to let go of him? He is not that special and he is incredible difficult to deal with. Maybe I’m just thinking about him because I know the anniversary of his father’s death is on Sunday.

New Associations

It is so funny to me that when you meet someone new it is exciting and scary at the same time. I have been on three dates with the paramedic and I still want to get to know him better. I was a little worried after our third date because he seemed so preoccupied when we were together. He assured me that he was just tired and worried about his trip this weekend. Everything between us is still new and I refuse to get my hopes up until it becomes necessary. He seems like a great guy so I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. He is so respectful and that means so much to me. I hope we at least have the opportunity to get to know each other.

First Dates

So I signed up for online dating right before Thanksgiving and to be honest it hasn’t proved to be very fruitful.  I went on my first date a few days after Christmas and it was awful.  I didn’t really connect with the guy at all and he kind of creeped me out. I literally started crying on my way home from dinner. At the time I thought it had to do with my ex but now I’m not so sure. Then I went on another date last Saturday. The guy seemed nice enough but he had only been divorced for four months which was a bit of a red flag for me. Then I got a text from him a few days later and he said he wasn’t ready for dating which didn’t surprise me at all. So yesterday was first date number three. This guy was really great and we had been talking for over a week so I was really excited when we decided to meet yesterday. We were originally supposed to go to dinner last night. On Friday his ex called and told him that she wasn’t taking their four year old son for the weekend. He immediately texted me and we changed our plans. We decided to meet at Chuckie E Cheese for our first date since he had to bring his son with him. I was immediately comfortable with him which surprised me a little. We had a great time talking and playing games with his son. Afterwards he asked me to come over for dinner. We talked a bit before I came over and he made it clear that he considered dinner our second date. So I guess you could say I’ve finally gone on a second date. He made me an amazing dinner and we spent the rest of the night watching movies. It was laid back and comfortable. He’s very sweet and incredibly respectful. We both want to get to know each other better which is really cool. My only concern is that we both have extremely busy schedules and then of course we have three kids between us. I have faith that we will figure it out though. I have a really good feeling about him.

Excitement

Well I found out this morning that I have been accepted to my summer volunteer position in Bolivia.  I’m so excited.  I can hardly believe that I’m going to get the opportunity to teach at a university level for six weeks.  Now I just have to work on my Spanish over the next three or four months.  I worked on it a little last night but I really need to start working a lot more diligently.  This is literally going to be an experience of a lifetime.  I am excited to be able to represent my country and my school.  I just know that I am going to grow so much mentally and spiritually from this experience.  Life is short and I am ceasing the day.

Winds of Change

It is interesting to me that when you change your attitude how much your life can change.  On Christmas I would never have thought I would be interested in dating someone other than my ex.  I would also never have thought I would be spending spring break in Spain or planning to spend six weeks this summer in Bolivia.  I have been so proud of myself lately because I have been exercising every morning, writing good thoughts and I am only a day behind in my bible app.  I am still a work in progress so perfection isn’t really expected.  I am trying to be the best version of myself for 2016.

So I have started talking to two new people in the last few days.  I went out with one of them on Saturday for lunch.  He seemed nice enough.  He is a teacher and he lives near me.  I haven’t really talked with him in the last couple of days so who knows.  The other guy was out of town all weekend so I haven’t had an opportunity to meet him yet.  I had an amazing conversation with him last night.  Who knows if anything will come out of either guy but at least I’m putting myself out there.  The amazing is that it really doesn’t matter.  I am completely fine by myself.  I am going to travel a lot in the next few months so it’s probably not such a bad thing to be single.  Life is short so it is nice to go out and do things with other people but at the same time I want to do it for the right reasons.  Life can change in an instant and right now I’m just along for the ride.

Grief and Loss

Today marks the one year anniversary of my ex’s grandmother’s passing.  He didn’t text me or reach out to me today.  Instead he reached out on Tuesday when he got upset at about work.  I almost texted him to check on him but I decided that if he needed me he would let me know.  Grief and loss are a strange thing because everyone handles them so differently.  I can’t always be the one to reach out.  I barely saw him today and the one time I did he didn’t even speak to me.  If he wanted to talk then he would have talked then.  I’m not upset about it or even that worried.  i know he has a lot of people in his life that he can turn to if he wants their help or needs to talk.  He tells me that our friendship really matters but he never really shows it.

I have dealt with a lot of my own grief and I am getting to a point where I realize that life can’t stop because someone dies.  I am finally living my life for me for the first time in a very long time.  After I got married the first time almost eighteen years ago, I started living for someone else.  I never really stopped doing that since then.  Now I have decided that it is time to live for me.  I have to think about my kids and my responsibilities but ultimately my life will only be whatever I make it.  My 2016 has been pretty good so far because I’m trying really hard to focus on the good in my life.  I have a candy jar next to my bed and every night I write one good thing that happened that day on a small piece of paper and put it in my jar.  I date every piece of paper and next year on December 31st I plan to read about all the good things that happened to me in 2016.  This is going to be a much better year for me because i refuse to settle for anything less.