Expectations

You would think that at 41 I would have learned not to have expectations about other people.  I should know better than to believe my ex when he says that he will come to my graduation.  I should know better than to believe in my first husband when he says that he will be there for our son. I finally realized today that it is my stupid fault that people are always disappointing me.  I have to learn that having expectations just leads to unhappiness.  I am obviously on my own in every way possible.  My children love me very much and they are always willing to offer a hug when I need it.  I think I’m just going to have to be ok with that because the idea of trusting another man is beyond me right now.  My ex is supposed to be my friend but it’s not the kind of friend I need.  I have my two moms at work but that’s not the same either.  Yesterday just about killed me and I have no idea how I’m going to get through Saturday.  I thought I could depend on my ex to be there for me.  He is one of the few people that truly knows how hard it will be to get through all that without my dad.  The problem with that logic is that he probably won’t be there now.  I’m graduating the same day as his nephew’s 18th birthday.  He is very close to his family and I know things will probably workout where he can’t make it Saturday.  I so wish I could say it doesn’t matter to me but it does.  I have no idea why I let him impact me the way he does but it never fails, if he’s part of something than I will ultimately get hurt. We had a chance almost two years ago to make things work but we let it slip through our fingers and now it will never be the same.  Life is short and I can’t keep dwelling on the past or hoping that the future will be different.  I have tried so hard to be friends with my ex but honestly it just doesn’t work because we aren’t ever just going to be friends.  There will always be something else between us that hasn’t gone away.  I wish my heart didn’t hurt so much right now.  I cry at commercials right now which drives me nuts because it makes me feel ridiculous.

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