Making Adjustments

The last couple of weeks have really been hard on me.  I have dealt with the loss of my best friend and letting go of the past with my ex. Letting go of the past has proven to be much easier than losing my best friend.  My ex and I are friends so that helps a little although it seems more like we are only friends at his convenience.  He is there for me when he has time not necessarily when I need him most.  He is there for me when it is just us but not when other people are around.  I would love to believe that I really matter to him but I know that I will never be a priority in his life.  He is happy the way things are for him.  He likes simplicity and being able to do all the things he wants.  He doesn’t want the pressure and stress of having to be a constant role model for my children.  He doesn’t know how to maintain the intimacy that we share.  My best friend on the other hand knew everything about me.  He was always there for me even when it wasn’t convenient for him.  I know I’ve really hurt him because I cut him out of my life but I had no choice.  I had to think about my children and the fact that the activities he’s been participating in were not healthy for any of us.  Today was my son’s baptism which should have made it a joyous day.  I was so happy about his decision and being able to see him baptized but I also fell apart during church.  My son told me a few weeks ago that he has never had a consistent male role model.  I knew he was right but it was still horrible to have his father prove that to me today.  His dad didn’t show up at the baptism even though I told him like three weeks ago.  He failed to show up for his son.  My ex was there but he saw me in pain and he didn’t do anything about it.  He didn’t even say anything to me afterwards.  I don’t get it.  We are supposed to be friends but he can’t even give me a hug when I’m obviously an emotional wreck.  I guess you could say that I expected a little more from him than that.  I really am on my own.  I guess I’m lucky that I’m so strong or I would never be able to deal with all this on my own.

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