Broken Hearts

It is funny how many things can happen in one week’s time.  Last Sunday marks the beginning of the healing of the broken heart my ex left me with so long ago.  We were able to really talk and open up to each other.  He apologized for what happen between us.  It is amazing how different I felt after I got that apology.  All week we have been interacting on a regular basis and really establishing ourselves as friends again.  We both have residual chemistry and feelings but we have agreed that the most important thing we can do is move forward as friends.  He gets me right now which is saying a lot because I have a lot of raw emotions about my dad.  We are both still in the first year of of acceptance and letting go of our fathers.  I told him that I needed him as a friend right now.  He has assured me that I won’t lose his friendship.  I can honestly say that after becoming friends with him again that this week was pretty amazing. I was actually happy and didn’t feel like I had anything looming over me.  My heart felt freer and I hoped that I was moving forward in the right direction. We decided midway through the week to put our new found friendship to the test.  We agreed to spend the weekend together with no expectations and no restrictions.  In a way it was a risky move but he was concerned about it being the year anniversary to the hospice talk about his dad and I needed help with a couple of things.  We decided it would be mutually beneficial.  He came over Friday night and it was the start to a great weekend.  It great spending so much time with him. After what happen between us a few weeks ago I honestly never thought we would make love again.  We did this weekend many times.  It was different than before and i haven’t quite put my finger on what made it different. I know that I was really glad he was here. Of course all that aside, we go back to a friendship with the restrictions that allow us to really be the support that each other needs right now.  I have to admit it is a little weird but I know it is for the best.

Now for my second broken heart.  The man that is supposed to be my best friend completely shattered our friendship on Thursday night when he told me that he’s been lying to me for the last three and a half months.  The admission comes with even more doubt that I want to admit.  I saw the signs that he was using again and I knew that he was struggling with so many things right now.  I wanted to believe in him and trust that he was really staying clean.  He broke my heart when he told me he wasn’t.  I can’t be part of all this with him.  I have too much to lose in my own life.  I was already in the process of trying to separate from him because I knew that I needed to move on with my life.  I don’t want anything bad to happen to him and i spent at least a half hour talking to his mom this morning.  I just have to pray that he gets the help he needs and then I have to let go of it.  I can’t keep trying to save him from himself.

I don’t know what the future holds for me but I do know that I’m not in control of it.  I have to have faith that God will bring me through my heartache and let me fall in love some where on the other side.  I have prayed so many times in the past for God to take the feelings for my ex out of my heart but I don’t think we have completely run our course yet.  We still have things we can do for each other.  We are still capable of supporting each other through all the stuff with our dads.  I can’t imagine a better person to be able to call my friend right now.

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