I started reading the Left Behind book series not to long before Christmas and I just started the third book last night. It is a series that deals with what will happen in the world after the Rapture of God. It has been so enlightening to read. Now I desperately want to study Revelation because i realize how little I know about Christ’s return or the Rapture. I have also come to realize how important it is for me to get right with God. I don’t pray like I should and I’m not living my life exactly as I should be. I need to start listening more to my heart and start living life God’s way and not my way. I plan to start reading the bible again every day starting January 1st. I guess you could say that reading the bible and praying more are going to be my New Year’s resolutions. I’m also going to try really hard to get back on my diet and exercise routine. I need to get myself mentally, physically, and spiritually healthy in 2016. I want to have a better year than I did in 2015.
I am in love with a man that I can’t be with. I have tried to get over him in so many ways but I’ve honestly been unsuccessful. We are friends and we spend time together occasionally but we aren’t together. I’m usually able to walk away from people and never look back. I can’t do that with him. I decided to go out with another guy despite the fact that I don’t want anyone else but it was a disaster. Honestly I’m just not ready to be with anyone else. I got tears in my eyes on the way home from my date. I don’t know that my ex and I will ever figure things out but I have decided that I just can’t date anyone else until I feel some closure in that area of my life. I hope to meet someone else and fall in love again but right now the only person I really love is my ex. I need to give myself some time to figure things out. I have been single since August when I broke off my engagement but I know now that I still need more time. I refuse to put myself in a position where i hurt myself or someone else because i just wasn’t ready for a relationship.
My ex fiancee and former best friend is still having trouble dealing with me cutting him off. The ex keeps sending me screen shots of posts that he has on Facebook. I really don’t need to know what he’s thinking or feeling. I have purposefully not asked any of his family about him. I love his family so much but I know that I can’t ask them about him. I want the best for him but I can’t be part of his life. My ex is still afraid that he is going to do something. I wish he would just let go of his anger towards my ex. He can’t just keep blaming him for everything. The ex has nothing to do with him not being in my life. He made his own mistakes that caused me to cut him out of my life. If he ever did anything to hurt my ex I would never forgive him and I think he knows that. I just hope he realizes that getting back at my ex isn’t going to solve anything.
So I made it through the first year without my dad. Of course in the process I had a miserable Christmas and I found out my mom has a potential boyfriend. My ex came and stayed with me last night. I just couldn’t be alone last night. He came over and held me really tight. We had agreed that last night wasn’t about sex and I honestly thought we were going to be able to do it until he started kissing me. We didn’t have sex until this morning and I guess I shouldn’t worry about it. I asked him tonight how he would feel if I went out with someone else. He told me I should just go out with someone else if I wanted to. The problem is that I don’t really want to go out with anyone else. I only want him. I know we aren’t in the place to be together but it doesn’t stop me from wanting him. I know when we’re together it’s not just physical or chemistry. The way he makes me feel is completely uncanny because I’ve never felt that way with anyone else. I honestly don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether I should just go out with the other guy to distract myself or if I should just wait on my ex. I love being in his arms so much! I just wish things were different between us.
So this time last year my dad was in William P Clements hospital in Dallas! He had already spent two weeks there and ended up being there until after the first of the year! Now a year later I’m in this same hospital again! Tonight I’m in the emergency room with my mom! She started throwing up in the middle of the night and hasn’t been able to hold anything down! It is so hard to be here! I remember being here with my dad! It is so difficult being here knowing that tomorrow is Christmas Eve and after four and a half hours they still haven’t told us anything! I think she’s probably ok but I’m so uncomfortable in this place! To make matters worse I have both my kids with me and boredom is definitely setting in! I’m trying really hard not to be upset but it’s really hard!
Ok so about a month ago I decided to try online dating again. I wouldn’t say that I have had so much luck with it in the past but I thought it would be a great way to move on from my past. So I have chatted with a few people through email over the last month but I honestly haven’t met anyone that really sparked my interest. Some of the guys live too far away and some just seem to be really different than I am. I want to be with someone that shares my faith but recognizes the weaknesses of being human. I may have finally found someone that fits that requirement. I haven’t met him but through our conversations I have found that we share some common opinions and ideas about the things that are important. So now what do I do? Do I take a chance? Do I actually meet someone that I’ve been talking to online? It is so hard to know what I should do. It is so funny because my daughter is so sure that I will get married again. I don’t know how to feel about marriage anymore. I’ve come to realize that life isn’t so bad by myself. I’ve spent the last few months trying to venture out and spend time with new people. My ex has still been a factor but not the way he was before. It is the end of the year and it seems like I have spent most of 2015 making mistakes. I am selling my property on the last day of the year and I would love to spend 2016 being a bit smarter when it comes to relationships. My first love told me the other day that I was a wonderful woman and mother but that I had horrible taste in men and healthy relationships. I would really like to change that. I would love to have a healthy relationship with someone that deserves me. I refuse to settle for something less than what I deserve. This guy may not be it but I know now that I need to wait until I find that person. I need to believe that God has a plan for me that doesn’t include being hurt by my past everyday.
How do you really know when it’s time to move on? I want to be in love again. I haven’t felt like I was really in love in more than two years. After Thanksgiving two years ago my ex came back from his dad’s house acting completely different about everything. He started telling me that we shouldn’t be having sex and putting all these odd restrictions on us. I was so confused and quite frankly I was hurt. It felt like a total rejection from someone that I loved completely. Needless to say that was probably the beginning of the end for us. Looking back on things now I should probably have broken up with him then. I should have realized that whatever we had was diminishing as the days passed. We stayed together until the end of March but things were never the same. When we finally broke up I had a complete complex about sex because of what happened between us. I felt guilty every time I had sex with someone else. Then I met my best friend and he took over my life. I spent the last year worrying about him and trying to take care of him because I loved him. I wasn’t in love with him like I was my ex but I did love him very deeply. He finally betrayed me beyond the point of me being able to trust him when he lied to me. Now I’m completely at a crossroads because I’ve cut my best friend out of my life and I think it’s just about time to do the same thing with my ex. I have other people that are interested in me which is really cool but scary at the same time. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to spend time with someone that can accept me for who I am. I deserve to have someone love me and be able to love them back. I don’t know what the future holds but I’m starting to see that it’s possible that it is someone new.
So graduation is over. I am officially a graduate of UTA. I have officially obtained my master’s degree. I was really proud of my self because I only teared up one time and it wasn’t while I was walking across the stage. In all honesty it felt so good to be able to just be happy about what I have accomplished. When it was all said and done it was just my mom and the kids with me to celebrate this accomplishment but that’s ok. My family was there and they are the most important people in my life anyway. i don’t know if I’ll pursue anymore education over the next few years or not but at least I know that regardless of what I do my family will be there to support me. It was so wonderful to see the looks on my kids faces and to know how proud they were of me tonight.
I had a piece of my dad with me too!!!
So tonight I was on the way back to the high school where I work to watch a girls’ basketball game when I made the decision to listen to a song I hadn’t heard in quite awhile. I listened to the Bob Carlisle version of Butterfly Kisses. I know I have been extremely emotional lately but I never expected my reaction to the song tonight. I guess I should give you some background. Almost 18 years ago when I got married the first time, my dad and I danced to this song at my wedding. I made my dad cry twice that day. The first time was when we were walking down the aisle together. We were both crying almost the whole way down the aisle. The second time I made my dad cry that day was when he heard this song. I never would tell him what we were going to dance to so he was completely blindsided. This afternoon I was bawling by the time I got to the end of the song. This particular song has always made me emotional but in the wake of everything else it was just too much. I hate that I’m so incredibly emotional right now but it just seems like the smallest things bring me to tears lately. I am so thankful for all the memories I have of my dad. I am thankful for all the years I had with him. Tomorrow is a significant day in my life where I get to show the world that hard work really pays off. My dad would have been so proud of me tomorrow. i know he will always be with me but I would give just about anything to be able to hug him tomorrow after graduation. I’m not only getting my master’s but I’m getting it from the school he used to work for. He always wanted me to go there when I got my undergrad but it wasn’t what I wanted. Now for grad school he finally got his wish but he didn’t make it long enough to share it with me. I have realized so many things in the last few months since he died but the thing that sticks with me more than anything is the fact that i am truly my father’s daughter. So tomorrow when I graduate I’m going to have the words my father’s daughter across my hat so that I can honor him. I love you dad!!!!!
Ok so today the ex informed that he was in fact going to be at my graduation but he plans to slip in at the last second and he plans to slip out when it’s over. I am honestly not going to even know if he’s there or not. I guess I’m confused because it seems like a lot of trouble to drive all the way to Arlington for a graduation only to leave without speaking to the graduate. My son said tonight that I was nicer than he is because he would have just told my ex that he shouldn’t even bother coming if he’s not going to see us. The funny thing is that I thought the same thing when he told me but for some reason yet again I didn’t stick up for myself when it comes to him. My old friend that is coming already told me that he wants to sit near my mom. I’m so glad that he will be with my family at least. I wish the ex was planning on sitting with my family too. I refuse to let it bother me though. Graduation is too important to let myself be distracted by the ex and his crazy antics. I do respect the fact that he’s willing to make me a priority by showing up but it would be nice to get a hug from him when it’s over. Maybe I’m just being selfish but it would just be nice to see his face when it’s all over. There is just something about the way he looks at me and the way he makes me feel that calms me a lot. I’m honestly not sure I’ll be able to get through the whole thing without crying and he’s the one person that can understand that.
I literally only have two more days until we get out of school for two weeks. I’m so tired of school right now. The students are always so crazy this time of year. We have had so many fights the last couple of weeks and all the students are acting like they escaped from an insane asylum. Unfortunately for me, I have my students writing essays this week which has not gone as well as I would have hoped. Our essays are always weighted as test grades which poses a problem considering my students are so unmotivated to do anything. I’m worried I’m going to have so many failures because of their attitudes.
Tomorrow I have to meet with my AP about my ESL program. I’m not really looking forward to it because I feel like right now he wants to change everything about my program. He is really stressing me out because he isn’t the one that has all the experience and he thinks this new computer program is a fix all for everything. My students need time to learn the language. I need time to figure out the best way to incorporate Imagine Learning into the process. I feel like he thinks that is the only thing I should be using which is so wrong. I think my students were making more progress at the beginning of the year before we even got the program.
On another note, I think I really upset my ex when I told him the I miss my former best friend. It is almost like he wanted me to be happy that my former friend is really struggling without me. I just don’t really understand how he feels or what is going on with us. He promises me that I’m not going to lose him as a friend yet he’s not even here. It’s almost like because we slept together again he has to act all weird and can’t be my friend anymore. I told him that I didn’t want our weekend to affect our friendship but it seems like it has. I feel like I’m constantly on a roller coaster ride with him. Why can’t we either just be friends? Or be together? Or maybe we just need to walk away from each other completely? I’m so tired of everything being so complicated between us.
I actually had another guy ask me out but I’m not sure what to do. I told him that I was busy until after Christmas but I’m not really sure that I’m ready to go out with anyone else. I’ve tried going out with other people before and it never really made a difference. I want to fall in love again and I told my ex that when we first started working out our friendship again. Sometimes I think he thinks that I will just wait on him forever. I wish I knew what the future holds for us but of course I have no idea. I guess I have some soul searching to do when it comes to the ex and how to handle the future.
I got home today and I had finally received my class ring in the mail. I was so excited. I’m really happy with the way it turned out. I can hardly believe that as of Saturday I will have graduated with my master’s degree. I think my kids are almost as excited as I am. My mom is so excited that she asked me today if she needs to come over on Friday night and I of course told her there was no need. I also told her that I didn’t want to see her before noon on Saturday either. I want to be able to sleep on my first day of Christmas Vacation.
On another note the ex sent me the oddest message last night. He had upset me about graduation earlier and I had been a bit rude about it so i figured I wouldn’t hear from him again yesterday. Then I got this text from him that was a screen shot of Facebook and a post from my former best friend. I blocked my former best friend for a reason and it wasn’t so that someone else could tell me what he said. Then he made a comment about the fact that someone was having trouble not talking to me. I don’t get it. I don’t understand why he would choose to make me deal with all that crap with my former best friend. He knows that I don’t ever want to see him or talk to him ever again. I don’t think he expected my reaction though. I told him I miss my best friend. I do miss him because he’s been there for me through everything for the last year. I am completely alone now. I’m starting to feel like I can’t trust anybody anymore. My ex says he’s my friend but then he lets me down over and over. I’m at a point in my life where I want people that I can count on as my friends. The crazy thing is that my ex acts like he’s jealous of my former best friend. I have no idea why he would be jealous of someone that I don’t even want to see or talk to ever again. Why does everything have to be so incredibly complicated?