Love vs Hate

I hate feeling like I love him and care about him so much and he doesn’t care at all.  I hate going to school every day hoping to see him, only to be disappointed when I see him. I hate knowing that I have this amazing connection with him and that he can make me feel things that no one has ever made me feel. He doesn’t want to, he doesn’t want to share that with me anymore. I absolutely hate knowing that everyday. I want to move on.  I want to let go.  I just want to be rid of him but for whatever reason I’m not. For whatever reason I can’t.  I’m not used to this and it doesn’t make sense to me.  I have always been able to walk away when I was done.  When I was really truly done and when I knew there was no use.  It’s almost like marriage made me weak and made me feel like I have to work at something so much longer than what I used to. When I used to be more than willing to give up on a relationship when it wasn’t working the way I wanted it to but now it’s almost like I feel like I have to make it work.  I really don’t know why. Marriage has changed me so much because I don’t even feel like I know myself anymore. I don’t know the way I respond to relationships and I don’t know why I do the things that I do. I don’t know why I love my ex the way I love him.  I don’t know why he matters so much to me because he’s not perfect. Yet part of me thinks he’s perfect for me.  The crazy thing is that even if we were together it would never be easy because he’s not an easy person but he challenges me mind body and spirit.  He makes me think about life in a way that I’ve never thought about it.  He helps me see so many things that I took for granted before.  You know maybe I love him not for the man he is but for the woman he makes me want to be. The man that he is isn’t bad. He’s a good man. He just doesn’t understand priorities.  He just doesn’t understand time.  He doesn’t understand what it really takes to make a relationship work.  He’s been married twice too but I don’t think he’s learned as much from his marriages as I have. I don’t think he’s figured out that sometimes you have to give, not everything, but you have to give yourself.  It’s almost like he doesn’t want to give anymore or he thinks he doesn’t have anything to give. He has such a good heart and I see it in the way he works with the kids at school, with the kids at church, and I see it in the way he used to be with my own children. I see the way he makes them feel so special.  The way he used to make me feel so special.  I remember the way he used to look at me.  i can’t even describe the look but I remember the way it used to make me feel. I remember that I used to blush when he walked into the room because I was so excited to see him and i was so thrilled to be next to him which is just ridiculous because it sounds like a teenage reaction. I remember he used to make me feel like a teenager. I remember that he could make me weak at the knees from kissing him. When I kiss him I completely lose myself and it’s no longer about me or him it’s about the connection between us the feeling I get, it’s about a truth.  You know I will never forget the last time he kissed me before we broke up because we started fighting like five minutes after that. I remember he kissed me and it was different, it was a sweet kiss but he pulled me into him closer.  i never would have guessed that just five or ten minutes later that we would be fighting or that it would be the fight that would lead to our eventual demise.  I wonder sometimes if i would have handled that whole day differently if maybe we would have had a chance to make it work the first time.  I blame myself for that day not because I was wrong to say that I was unhappy and not because I was wrong to want the things I was asking for but I was wrong to ask for them the way that I did.  I was wrong to be so incredibly selfish at that particular moment.  I had just been giving so much to him for so long that I really felt like he wasn’t even there anymore.  I wanted him back in the present. I wanted him to care about me again and instead i convinced him to walk away from me.  I still don’t know how to deal with that fact. The fact that I’m the one that pushed him away.  I pushed him over the edge.  It’s so hard when you know that you’ve made a mistake and you can’t make up for it.  Instead you have to live with it and that’s just the way life goes. I’m not a perfect person.  I’m difficult, stubborn, and I can be selfish sometimes.  I can be overbearing and all sorts of things.  Lately I feel like I’m such a negative person.  i don’t want to be negative anymore.  I’m so sad and it’s hard to be happy when I’m sad.  It’s so hard to be positive when I’m sad.  The funny thing about it is that I was fine when school started, I was moving on from my failed engagement, I was focusing on my kids, school and starting a new school year trying to make the best of a difficult situation.  i had another new principal this year.  Then he came back into my life and he made it wonderful and terrible all at the same time.  Wonderful because I love the conversations that we have.  i love the way he touches my soul.  I love the way we flirt and banter back and forth.  i love all of those things about him. I loved sleeping next to him and having him hold me in his arms, kissing him, making love to him and just being there with him. I think I miss that more than anything our conversations, the friendship aspect of us.  I feel like I have lost so much just by losing him as my friend. I never wanted to lose him as my friend the first time and I sure didn’t want to lose him as my friend the second time but I have. We are back to the way we were before we ever started talking again which is the last thing in the world that I ever wanted to happen. We both said we didn’t want to have regrets but all I have is regrets. It is like everything surrounding him is full of regrets. I don’t like having regrets because I don’t like the way it makes me feel. I was hoping that if we ever tried again that it would be enough to make me be able to move on regardless of what happened.  The problem is we didn’t really try again because we never got to that point. We never figured out if we could make it work.  We didn’t try to make it work and that’s probably my biggest regret. I honestly thought that was what we were working towards. Then all of a sudden it was just done, we were just done and yet again I don’t even know why.

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