Forgiveness

I realized when I woke up this morning that it is time for forgiveness in my life.  I need to forgive myself for letting my ex back into my life the way I did.  I need to forgive him for hurting me again. I need to forgive my best friend for always being so needy lately.  I also need to forgive myself for being weak.  My biggest struggle within myself is weakness.  I don’t like to want or need anybody because it makes me feel weak.  My best friend is going through all sorts of struggles right now so I am back to relying on myself which is probably the best thing that could happen.  Today I have focused on forgiveness and self reflection.  I know that I am not perfect and that I could always be a better version of myself.  I know that life is short and I can’t focus on the past anymore.

I have had two great loves in my life.  The first was when I was only 15 and he influenced my entire high school life and the first couple of years of college.  He gave me a purpose in life when i didn’t have one.  He helped give me strength when my parents were considering divorce.  He loved me through all of it.  He even loved me when I loved a woman.  Ultimately we separated because I wasn’t in a place to commit myself to him at 19.  I wanted to live more of my life first.  I never really stopped loving him but I did let him go completely.  When my first husband and I were going through our divorce we reconnected for a few years but it was never really the same as before.  I will always hold a place in his heart and he in mine.  I’m so honored because he’s going to attend my graduation.  I haven’t seen him in six years but he’s still going to be there at a very important life event for me.  The second happened very unexpectedly when I was going through my second divorce.  I met my ex and we quickly became friends.  The friendship became so much more and for the first time in my life I thought that I might actually get my happy ending.  He was everything that I had ever wanted for me and for my children.  I will  never know what really happened but one day he just walked away.  I have never really gotten over it and I’m not sure I ever will.

We all deserve to be happy but i don’t believe that we have unlimited chances for love.  I think at some point we have to face the fact that we have just let too many opportunities pass us by.  I would consider myself a lucky person in most respects but not when it comes to love and relationships.  I hope that one day I can share my life with someone again but if it doesn’t happen I have still been blessed in my life.

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