Thanksgiving Day

Thanksgiving is the time to sit back and look at all the things in our lives that we have to be thankful for.  I have two amazing children that give me a sense a pride on a daily basis.  They are smart, sensitive and loving.  They are both teenagers so they aren’t perfect but they are really great kids.  I’m lucky enough to have an amazing mom who is one of my best friends.  I have a job that truly gives me a sense of making a difference in this crazy world we live in.  I have a nice home for my little family and I have my health.

Of course there are plenty of things I would love to have in my life but i have come to realize that things aren’t what make you happy in the long run.  Home was always a place for me when I was growing up because I lived in the same house my whole life.  It wasn’t until after my first divorce that I truly realized what home really should be.  Home to me now is where ever I live with my two children.  I worry about my mom living alone but i know that she is ok right now.

I received an email last night from my first love.  He remembered my birthday after all these years.  I guess you could say that hearing from him restored my faith in humanity just a little bit.  I can’t wait to see him at my graduation in a few weeks.  My mom asked me this morning if I was going to invite my ex to my graduation.  You see we are not even what I would call friends at the moment so it is kind of a weird situation.  I’m not sure that I would even have applied for grad school if it hadn’t been for his encouragement when we were dating, but that was two years ago and I’m not sure that is still a reason to include him.  I’m not even sure he cares about my graduation. I know that he was instrumental in getting me into grad school I’m just not sure how much credit I should give him at this point. It is definitely time to move forward in my life and stop focusing on the past.  Life is short and I deserve to be happy. 

 

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On the Eve of my 41st Year

I can hardly believe all the changes that have occurred over the last year. I have finally come to realize that although every year brings its share of challenges, it also brings its share of joy.  I lost my father but I have watched my son grow into a very respectful young man that believes in God.  In a few more weeks I will watch him be baptized which is one of the greatest gifts I could receive.  I have had the honor of watching my daughter bloom into her own person.  She doesn’t march to the beat of the band but stands out in the crowd.  She has completely reinvented herself this year at her new school. I am so proud of the young woman that she is becoming.  I consider myself so lucky to have two amazing children that never fail to remind of how special they really are.  I’m sure that a year from now I will probably have many more changes to reflect on too but for now I want to look to my future and not my past.

I have spent the last year ignoring the fact that I wasn’t dealing with the past.  I had this really great friend that was more than willing to let me ignore the past and pretend like everything was ok.  It wasn’t and in the process of the last year he became a crutch for my when I was sad or lost.  We weren’t in a relationship but I let the lines get blurred to the point that we ended up engaged for awhile.  I never loved him like that and he knew it but he was ok with that.  I knew it was wrong but I was devastated by my broken heart that wouldn’t heal.  He let me pretend everything was ok.  He made me think it was ok not to love him despite the fact that I constantly had doubts.  I finally realized that I was better off alone than living a lie.  Now it is time to move on from him so I can figure out who I really am today.

On another note, I never really let go of my ex. Now that he has come back into my world and completely turned it upside down I feel differently.  He doesn’t know what he wants that’s ok for him but not for me.  I refuse to be treated like an option.  I want to be someone’s priority not just an option in their lives.  He will always remain special to me in so many ways but now it is time to move on.  He has chosen to live his life in a way that I truly don’t  understand.  We have a lot of history but I think that’s all it is at this point.  I won’t be cruel and if things change and he asks me out I will give him a chance but I refuse to spend any more time focused on him. He is a great guy but maybe he’s just not the great guy that will make my world complete.

Tomorrow I will wake up to yet another birthday but one thing I have come to realize is that life is too short to focus on the negative in life.  I plan to be happy.  I want to meet new people and experience new things.  I want to go out and have fun not sit at home and be sad.  In the next month I will go through all sorts of significant events in my life but I know that whatever happens my faith in God will carry me through.

Love vs Hate

I hate feeling like I love him and care about him so much and he doesn’t care at all.  I hate going to school every day hoping to see him, only to be disappointed when I see him. I hate knowing that I have this amazing connection with him and that he can make me feel things that no one has ever made me feel. He doesn’t want to, he doesn’t want to share that with me anymore. I absolutely hate knowing that everyday. I want to move on.  I want to let go.  I just want to be rid of him but for whatever reason I’m not. For whatever reason I can’t.  I’m not used to this and it doesn’t make sense to me.  I have always been able to walk away when I was done.  When I was really truly done and when I knew there was no use.  It’s almost like marriage made me weak and made me feel like I have to work at something so much longer than what I used to. When I used to be more than willing to give up on a relationship when it wasn’t working the way I wanted it to but now it’s almost like I feel like I have to make it work.  I really don’t know why. Marriage has changed me so much because I don’t even feel like I know myself anymore. I don’t know the way I respond to relationships and I don’t know why I do the things that I do. I don’t know why I love my ex the way I love him.  I don’t know why he matters so much to me because he’s not perfect. Yet part of me thinks he’s perfect for me.  The crazy thing is that even if we were together it would never be easy because he’s not an easy person but he challenges me mind body and spirit.  He makes me think about life in a way that I’ve never thought about it.  He helps me see so many things that I took for granted before.  You know maybe I love him not for the man he is but for the woman he makes me want to be. The man that he is isn’t bad. He’s a good man. He just doesn’t understand priorities.  He just doesn’t understand time.  He doesn’t understand what it really takes to make a relationship work.  He’s been married twice too but I don’t think he’s learned as much from his marriages as I have. I don’t think he’s figured out that sometimes you have to give, not everything, but you have to give yourself.  It’s almost like he doesn’t want to give anymore or he thinks he doesn’t have anything to give. He has such a good heart and I see it in the way he works with the kids at school, with the kids at church, and I see it in the way he used to be with my own children. I see the way he makes them feel so special.  The way he used to make me feel so special.  I remember the way he used to look at me.  i can’t even describe the look but I remember the way it used to make me feel. I remember that I used to blush when he walked into the room because I was so excited to see him and i was so thrilled to be next to him which is just ridiculous because it sounds like a teenage reaction. I remember he used to make me feel like a teenager. I remember that he could make me weak at the knees from kissing him. When I kiss him I completely lose myself and it’s no longer about me or him it’s about the connection between us the feeling I get, it’s about a truth.  You know I will never forget the last time he kissed me before we broke up because we started fighting like five minutes after that. I remember he kissed me and it was different, it was a sweet kiss but he pulled me into him closer.  i never would have guessed that just five or ten minutes later that we would be fighting or that it would be the fight that would lead to our eventual demise.  I wonder sometimes if i would have handled that whole day differently if maybe we would have had a chance to make it work the first time.  I blame myself for that day not because I was wrong to say that I was unhappy and not because I was wrong to want the things I was asking for but I was wrong to ask for them the way that I did.  I was wrong to be so incredibly selfish at that particular moment.  I had just been giving so much to him for so long that I really felt like he wasn’t even there anymore.  I wanted him back in the present. I wanted him to care about me again and instead i convinced him to walk away from me.  I still don’t know how to deal with that fact. The fact that I’m the one that pushed him away.  I pushed him over the edge.  It’s so hard when you know that you’ve made a mistake and you can’t make up for it.  Instead you have to live with it and that’s just the way life goes. I’m not a perfect person.  I’m difficult, stubborn, and I can be selfish sometimes.  I can be overbearing and all sorts of things.  Lately I feel like I’m such a negative person.  i don’t want to be negative anymore.  I’m so sad and it’s hard to be happy when I’m sad.  It’s so hard to be positive when I’m sad.  The funny thing about it is that I was fine when school started, I was moving on from my failed engagement, I was focusing on my kids, school and starting a new school year trying to make the best of a difficult situation.  i had another new principal this year.  Then he came back into my life and he made it wonderful and terrible all at the same time.  Wonderful because I love the conversations that we have.  i love the way he touches my soul.  I love the way we flirt and banter back and forth.  i love all of those things about him. I loved sleeping next to him and having him hold me in his arms, kissing him, making love to him and just being there with him. I think I miss that more than anything our conversations, the friendship aspect of us.  I feel like I have lost so much just by losing him as my friend. I never wanted to lose him as my friend the first time and I sure didn’t want to lose him as my friend the second time but I have. We are back to the way we were before we ever started talking again which is the last thing in the world that I ever wanted to happen. We both said we didn’t want to have regrets but all I have is regrets. It is like everything surrounding him is full of regrets. I don’t like having regrets because I don’t like the way it makes me feel. I was hoping that if we ever tried again that it would be enough to make me be able to move on regardless of what happened.  The problem is we didn’t really try again because we never got to that point. We never figured out if we could make it work.  We didn’t try to make it work and that’s probably my biggest regret. I honestly thought that was what we were working towards. Then all of a sudden it was just done, we were just done and yet again I don’t even know why.

Stress

So this is the last week before Thanksgiving break.  Needless to say, the students are bouncing off the walls and it is growing more and more difficult every day to get students to focus on school.  My lower level ESL students are usually one of my best classes but this week they are driving me crazy.

My mom and the kids and I are supposed to be leaving for New Mexico on Saturday but we don’t have anyone to watch our dogs.  Now we will probably have to stay at home.  Part of me is disappointed but on the other hand, I kind of like the idea of being at home next week. My house is an absolute disaster so it would be great to have some time to get it really cleaned up.

On another note I am still single and I’m feeling pretty good about that.  I’ve kind of figured out that I really don’t need a relationship in my life right now.  I’m trying to focus on my future and what I need to do to make it the best it can be for the kids and me.  I think it is really time to look for another position for next year. I feel like I’m out growing my current job.  I would love to have a job where I could teach the same thing all day long.  I know that I would probably get bored eventually but at the same time it would be nice to be able to leave my job at work and not always be so stressed out.

One major relief I have right now is the fact that I don’t have to worry about cooking for Thanksgiving because a friend of mine invited my mom, the kids and I to her house for Thanksgiving dinner.

Weekend Away

After the week I had it was so nice to get away for a few days.  My son went on a camping trip with church so my daughter and I took a road trip with my mom.  One of my mom’s friends was celebrating her 80th birthday and her family threw a huge party for her in League City near Houston.  The three of us drove down towards Houston Friday night and ended up stopping in Conroe because we were so tired.  We got up Saturday and got dressed and continued on to League City.  We had such a good time at the party with all of her wonderful family. After the party we headed to Cypress to go and visit some other old friends we hadn’t seen in a really long time.  We stayed with them last night and went out to dinner.  We stayed up pretty late visiting and then we had to get up this morning and head back home.  It’s pretty cool actually because I didn’t spend hardly anytime thinking about my former student’s death or the situation with my ex.  I spent the weekend focusing on family and friends.  I got to spend a lot of time with my daughter which was great.  We spent a lot of time together where we were actually unplugged.  I forgot how fun road trips can be when they are spent with people you love.  Next Saturday we leave on yet another road trip.  We are going to New Mexico right before Thanksgiving.  It will be good to spend some more time with family.  This trip will include my son too which will make it even better.

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This picture represents three generations in my family.  Family is always so important!!

Trouble

I feel like all I have done this week is get in trouble.  First off I got in trouble on Tuesday because my principal thought I should be babysitting our photographers in the band hall.  You see the photographer was there to take last minute senior pictures and she felt like I should be there with them to prevent anything happening with the seniors.  Unfortunately we have never had this issue so there wasn’t a good way for me to handle it.  I may be the yearbook sponsor but that doesn’t mean that I should be held responsible for setting up everything related to it when we have administrators that have to make the decisions.  It doesn’t help that our previous principal would never have left the decisions up to me like the new principal did.

Then today I got a meeting request from my AP that is my PDAS appraiser over something I shouldn’t have said.  I really wish that I could learn to keep my big mouth shut.  Needless to say after what happened to my daughter last year I get emotional whenever I start talking about our high school mascot.  The girl that is the mascot this year has spent more time acting like a cheerleader than she has a mascot.  I should never have gotten involved in the conversation but after an emotional week I didn’t use my best judgement.  Now I get to have a meeting with her mother over the mascot.  You know it’s bad enough that I have to go to a funeral tomorrow of a twenty year-old former student but having to have this parent meeting is really going to suck. To make matters worse, I have to have the meeting the Friday before Thanksgiving.

I am just starting to feel like everything at work is against me.  I had my evaluation last week and it was horrible.  He came in during the last period of the day on a Friday before a pep rally.  Then to make matters worse he got called out in the middle of it and had to come back Tuesday to finish.  Needless to say I’m not sure how I can possibly get a good evaluation when that is the way things went during the evaluation itself.  Then I figured it out today and I realized that I have only had one other observation by him all year.  I have had six or seven by the principal.  It’s weird if you ask me.  Of course she came in today and actually wrote a really good evaluation.  They have changed the entire observation form in Eduphoria and now it is even more complicated to understand.  I’m so glad tomorrow is Friday because I’m not sure I could handle anymore this week.  Tomorrow I leave with my mom and daughter to go to Houston for the weekend.  It will be so good to get out of town for a few days.  Being out of this house and city will help me clear my head.  At least while I’m traveling I won’t think about my jerk of an ex.