Thanksgiving Day

Thanksgiving is the time to sit back and look at all the things in our lives that we have to be thankful for.  I have two amazing children that give me a sense a pride on a daily basis.  They are smart, sensitive and loving.  They are both teenagers so they aren’t perfect but they are really great kids.  I’m lucky enough to have an amazing mom who is one of my best friends.  I have a job that truly gives me a sense of making a difference in this crazy world we live in.  I have a nice home for my little family and I have my health.

Of course there are plenty of things I would love to have in my life but i have come to realize that things aren’t what make you happy in the long run.  Home was always a place for me when I was growing up because I lived in the same house my whole life.  It wasn’t until after my first divorce that I truly realized what home really should be.  Home to me now is where ever I live with my two children.  I worry about my mom living alone but i know that she is ok right now.

I received an email last night from my first love.  He remembered my birthday after all these years.  I guess you could say that hearing from him restored my faith in humanity just a little bit.  I can’t wait to see him at my graduation in a few weeks.  My mom asked me this morning if I was going to invite my ex to my graduation.  You see we are not even what I would call friends at the moment so it is kind of a weird situation.  I’m not sure that I would even have applied for grad school if it hadn’t been for his encouragement when we were dating, but that was two years ago and I’m not sure that is still a reason to include him.  I’m not even sure he cares about my graduation. I know that he was instrumental in getting me into grad school I’m just not sure how much credit I should give him at this point. It is definitely time to move forward in my life and stop focusing on the past.  Life is short and I deserve to be happy. 

 

On the Eve of my 41st Year

I can hardly believe all the changes that have occurred over the last year. I have finally come to realize that although every year brings its share of challenges, it also brings its share of joy.  I lost my father but I have watched my son grow into a very respectful young man that believes in God.  In a few more weeks I will watch him be baptized which is one of the greatest gifts I could receive.  I have had the honor of watching my daughter bloom into her own person.  She doesn’t march to the beat of the band but stands out in the crowd.  She has completely reinvented herself this year at her new school. I am so proud of the young woman that she is becoming.  I consider myself so lucky to have two amazing children that never fail to remind of how special they really are.  I’m sure that a year from now I will probably have many more changes to reflect on too but for now I want to look to my future and not my past.

I have spent the last year ignoring the fact that I wasn’t dealing with the past.  I had this really great friend that was more than willing to let me ignore the past and pretend like everything was ok.  It wasn’t and in the process of the last year he became a crutch for my when I was sad or lost.  We weren’t in a relationship but I let the lines get blurred to the point that we ended up engaged for awhile.  I never loved him like that and he knew it but he was ok with that.  I knew it was wrong but I was devastated by my broken heart that wouldn’t heal.  He let me pretend everything was ok.  He made me think it was ok not to love him despite the fact that I constantly had doubts.  I finally realized that I was better off alone than living a lie.  Now it is time to move on from him so I can figure out who I really am today.

On another note, I never really let go of my ex. Now that he has come back into my world and completely turned it upside down I feel differently.  He doesn’t know what he wants that’s ok for him but not for me.  I refuse to be treated like an option.  I want to be someone’s priority not just an option in their lives.  He will always remain special to me in so many ways but now it is time to move on.  He has chosen to live his life in a way that I truly don’t  understand.  We have a lot of history but I think that’s all it is at this point.  I won’t be cruel and if things change and he asks me out I will give him a chance but I refuse to spend any more time focused on him. He is a great guy but maybe he’s just not the great guy that will make my world complete.

Tomorrow I will wake up to yet another birthday but one thing I have come to realize is that life is too short to focus on the negative in life.  I plan to be happy.  I want to meet new people and experience new things.  I want to go out and have fun not sit at home and be sad.  In the next month I will go through all sorts of significant events in my life but I know that whatever happens my faith in God will carry me through.

Love vs Hate

I hate feeling like I love him and care about him so much and he doesn’t care at all.  I hate going to school every day hoping to see him, only to be disappointed when I see him. I hate knowing that I have this amazing connection with him and that he can make me feel things that no one has ever made me feel. He doesn’t want to, he doesn’t want to share that with me anymore. I absolutely hate knowing that everyday. I want to move on.  I want to let go.  I just want to be rid of him but for whatever reason I’m not. For whatever reason I can’t.  I’m not used to this and it doesn’t make sense to me.  I have always been able to walk away when I was done.  When I was really truly done and when I knew there was no use.  It’s almost like marriage made me weak and made me feel like I have to work at something so much longer than what I used to. When I used to be more than willing to give up on a relationship when it wasn’t working the way I wanted it to but now it’s almost like I feel like I have to make it work.  I really don’t know why. Marriage has changed me so much because I don’t even feel like I know myself anymore. I don’t know the way I respond to relationships and I don’t know why I do the things that I do. I don’t know why I love my ex the way I love him.  I don’t know why he matters so much to me because he’s not perfect. Yet part of me thinks he’s perfect for me.  The crazy thing is that even if we were together it would never be easy because he’s not an easy person but he challenges me mind body and spirit.  He makes me think about life in a way that I’ve never thought about it.  He helps me see so many things that I took for granted before.  You know maybe I love him not for the man he is but for the woman he makes me want to be. The man that he is isn’t bad. He’s a good man. He just doesn’t understand priorities.  He just doesn’t understand time.  He doesn’t understand what it really takes to make a relationship work.  He’s been married twice too but I don’t think he’s learned as much from his marriages as I have. I don’t think he’s figured out that sometimes you have to give, not everything, but you have to give yourself.  It’s almost like he doesn’t want to give anymore or he thinks he doesn’t have anything to give. He has such a good heart and I see it in the way he works with the kids at school, with the kids at church, and I see it in the way he used to be with my own children. I see the way he makes them feel so special.  The way he used to make me feel so special.  I remember the way he used to look at me.  i can’t even describe the look but I remember the way it used to make me feel. I remember that I used to blush when he walked into the room because I was so excited to see him and i was so thrilled to be next to him which is just ridiculous because it sounds like a teenage reaction. I remember he used to make me feel like a teenager. I remember that he could make me weak at the knees from kissing him. When I kiss him I completely lose myself and it’s no longer about me or him it’s about the connection between us the feeling I get, it’s about a truth.  You know I will never forget the last time he kissed me before we broke up because we started fighting like five minutes after that. I remember he kissed me and it was different, it was a sweet kiss but he pulled me into him closer.  i never would have guessed that just five or ten minutes later that we would be fighting or that it would be the fight that would lead to our eventual demise.  I wonder sometimes if i would have handled that whole day differently if maybe we would have had a chance to make it work the first time.  I blame myself for that day not because I was wrong to say that I was unhappy and not because I was wrong to want the things I was asking for but I was wrong to ask for them the way that I did.  I was wrong to be so incredibly selfish at that particular moment.  I had just been giving so much to him for so long that I really felt like he wasn’t even there anymore.  I wanted him back in the present. I wanted him to care about me again and instead i convinced him to walk away from me.  I still don’t know how to deal with that fact. The fact that I’m the one that pushed him away.  I pushed him over the edge.  It’s so hard when you know that you’ve made a mistake and you can’t make up for it.  Instead you have to live with it and that’s just the way life goes. I’m not a perfect person.  I’m difficult, stubborn, and I can be selfish sometimes.  I can be overbearing and all sorts of things.  Lately I feel like I’m such a negative person.  i don’t want to be negative anymore.  I’m so sad and it’s hard to be happy when I’m sad.  It’s so hard to be positive when I’m sad.  The funny thing about it is that I was fine when school started, I was moving on from my failed engagement, I was focusing on my kids, school and starting a new school year trying to make the best of a difficult situation.  i had another new principal this year.  Then he came back into my life and he made it wonderful and terrible all at the same time.  Wonderful because I love the conversations that we have.  i love the way he touches my soul.  I love the way we flirt and banter back and forth.  i love all of those things about him. I loved sleeping next to him and having him hold me in his arms, kissing him, making love to him and just being there with him. I think I miss that more than anything our conversations, the friendship aspect of us.  I feel like I have lost so much just by losing him as my friend. I never wanted to lose him as my friend the first time and I sure didn’t want to lose him as my friend the second time but I have. We are back to the way we were before we ever started talking again which is the last thing in the world that I ever wanted to happen. We both said we didn’t want to have regrets but all I have is regrets. It is like everything surrounding him is full of regrets. I don’t like having regrets because I don’t like the way it makes me feel. I was hoping that if we ever tried again that it would be enough to make me be able to move on regardless of what happened.  The problem is we didn’t really try again because we never got to that point. We never figured out if we could make it work.  We didn’t try to make it work and that’s probably my biggest regret. I honestly thought that was what we were working towards. Then all of a sudden it was just done, we were just done and yet again I don’t even know why.

Stress

So this is the last week before Thanksgiving break.  Needless to say, the students are bouncing off the walls and it is growing more and more difficult every day to get students to focus on school.  My lower level ESL students are usually one of my best classes but this week they are driving me crazy.

My mom and the kids and I are supposed to be leaving for New Mexico on Saturday but we don’t have anyone to watch our dogs.  Now we will probably have to stay at home.  Part of me is disappointed but on the other hand, I kind of like the idea of being at home next week. My house is an absolute disaster so it would be great to have some time to get it really cleaned up.

On another note I am still single and I’m feeling pretty good about that.  I’ve kind of figured out that I really don’t need a relationship in my life right now.  I’m trying to focus on my future and what I need to do to make it the best it can be for the kids and me.  I think it is really time to look for another position for next year. I feel like I’m out growing my current job.  I would love to have a job where I could teach the same thing all day long.  I know that I would probably get bored eventually but at the same time it would be nice to be able to leave my job at work and not always be so stressed out.

One major relief I have right now is the fact that I don’t have to worry about cooking for Thanksgiving because a friend of mine invited my mom, the kids and I to her house for Thanksgiving dinner.

Weekend Away

After the week I had it was so nice to get away for a few days.  My son went on a camping trip with church so my daughter and I took a road trip with my mom.  One of my mom’s friends was celebrating her 80th birthday and her family threw a huge party for her in League City near Houston.  The three of us drove down towards Houston Friday night and ended up stopping in Conroe because we were so tired.  We got up Saturday and got dressed and continued on to League City.  We had such a good time at the party with all of her wonderful family. After the party we headed to Cypress to go and visit some other old friends we hadn’t seen in a really long time.  We stayed with them last night and went out to dinner.  We stayed up pretty late visiting and then we had to get up this morning and head back home.  It’s pretty cool actually because I didn’t spend hardly anytime thinking about my former student’s death or the situation with my ex.  I spent the weekend focusing on family and friends.  I got to spend a lot of time with my daughter which was great.  We spent a lot of time together where we were actually unplugged.  I forgot how fun road trips can be when they are spent with people you love.  Next Saturday we leave on yet another road trip.  We are going to New Mexico right before Thanksgiving.  It will be good to spend some more time with family.  This trip will include my son too which will make it even better.

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This picture represents three generations in my family.  Family is always so important!!

Trouble

I feel like all I have done this week is get in trouble.  First off I got in trouble on Tuesday because my principal thought I should be babysitting our photographers in the band hall.  You see the photographer was there to take last minute senior pictures and she felt like I should be there with them to prevent anything happening with the seniors.  Unfortunately we have never had this issue so there wasn’t a good way for me to handle it.  I may be the yearbook sponsor but that doesn’t mean that I should be held responsible for setting up everything related to it when we have administrators that have to make the decisions.  It doesn’t help that our previous principal would never have left the decisions up to me like the new principal did.

Then today I got a meeting request from my AP that is my PDAS appraiser over something I shouldn’t have said.  I really wish that I could learn to keep my big mouth shut.  Needless to say after what happened to my daughter last year I get emotional whenever I start talking about our high school mascot.  The girl that is the mascot this year has spent more time acting like a cheerleader than she has a mascot.  I should never have gotten involved in the conversation but after an emotional week I didn’t use my best judgement.  Now I get to have a meeting with her mother over the mascot.  You know it’s bad enough that I have to go to a funeral tomorrow of a twenty year-old former student but having to have this parent meeting is really going to suck. To make matters worse, I have to have the meeting the Friday before Thanksgiving.

I am just starting to feel like everything at work is against me.  I had my evaluation last week and it was horrible.  He came in during the last period of the day on a Friday before a pep rally.  Then to make matters worse he got called out in the middle of it and had to come back Tuesday to finish.  Needless to say I’m not sure how I can possibly get a good evaluation when that is the way things went during the evaluation itself.  Then I figured it out today and I realized that I have only had one other observation by him all year.  I have had six or seven by the principal.  It’s weird if you ask me.  Of course she came in today and actually wrote a really good evaluation.  They have changed the entire observation form in Eduphoria and now it is even more complicated to understand.  I’m so glad tomorrow is Friday because I’m not sure I could handle anymore this week.  Tomorrow I leave with my mom and daughter to go to Houston for the weekend.  It will be so good to get out of town for a few days.  Being out of this house and city will help me clear my head.  At least while I’m traveling I won’t think about my jerk of an ex.

Former Students

I have been teaching for the last seven and a half years and I’ll be honest I have only lost two students.  I lost my first student the summer between my first and second year of teaching.  He was in a car with some friends and they got involved in a race and it ended badly.  He died on the scene and his best friend spent a lot of time in the hospital and then he was never the same after that.  The accident happened in the summer and I didn’t find out about it until after school started the next year.  I was really sad because he was about to be a senior and I felt like he never really had a chance.  Then Saturday morning I find out that I’ve lost my second student.  This particular student graduated in 2013 and he was part of the last class of seniors I taught.  I had in my class for government and economics.  He was one of the sweetest students I ever had and he always had a smile on his face. I am especially sad about this student because he took his own life.  I can’t believe his life was so terrible at 20 that he would hang himself and end it all.  I have been sad about my student for a couple of days.  I have worked really hard to try and reconnect with as many of the students from his class because I want them to know that I will always be there for them.

Tonight I got a huge surprise from yet another former student.  I received a message from one of my students from my first few years of teaching.  He said he wanted to thank me for everything I taught him.  He said that he knows he didn’t appreciate it back then but he does now.  It made my day to see such a sweet message at such a sad time.  i told him how much it meant to me and he said that he would always be there for me the way I was for him and his sister.  I don’t teach for appreciation but it is really nice to know that I have touched some students along the way.

I am attaching one of my favorite pictures of that senior class.  I hope they all know how special they are to me!!

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Weekend is Over

I hate the way it feels like the weekends get shorter and shorter.  Friday night I went to the game but I quickly realized that I just wasn’t in the right mindset to be at a football game. I left around 8pm after I sent an email to the ex.  I finally broke down and sent him the link to this blog.  I told him that I would leave him alone and I plan to uphold that decision. This is my motivation for the future.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLQl3WQQoQ0

My best friend was going through a bad time so he came over after I got home from the game.  We talked for a while and then he left.

Saturday was terrible because before noon I figured out that one of my former student took his own life Friday morning.  He was one of the sweetest students I ever had and I can’t believe that he’s gone.  My heart goes out to his family and all his friends.  I feel for all his former classmates because I know from experience how hard it is to lose someone that is so young.  The fact that he died from suicide just makes it so much worse for everyone. I sent a message to his sister so I’m hoping she will let me know when they have all the arrangements taken care of.  I really want to be able to pay my respects.  This is only the second student I have lost but it doesn’t make it any easier.

Today I went to church and it was really great.  I thoroughly enjoyed the lesson about Sodom and Gomorrah and Abraham’s nephew Lot.  It was a great day to be in church because I needed the love and support of my Sunday school class.  I asked my class to pray for my student’s family through this incredibly difficult time. Now I am just wishing that I didn’t have to deal with this week.

Tomorrow starts the beginning of benchmarks and CBAs.  It is also such a stressful situation when we have benchmarks and CBAs, but having them at the same time is just overwhelming.  This week is already the end of the second six weeks of school.  It is hard to believe that we are already over halfway done with the first semester.  The one saving grace I have is that we only have two more weeks before Thanksgiving Break!!!

Forgiveness

I realized when I woke up this morning that it is time for forgiveness in my life.  I need to forgive myself for letting my ex back into my life the way I did.  I need to forgive him for hurting me again. I need to forgive my best friend for always being so needy lately.  I also need to forgive myself for being weak.  My biggest struggle within myself is weakness.  I don’t like to want or need anybody because it makes me feel weak.  My best friend is going through all sorts of struggles right now so I am back to relying on myself which is probably the best thing that could happen.  Today I have focused on forgiveness and self reflection.  I know that I am not perfect and that I could always be a better version of myself.  I know that life is short and I can’t focus on the past anymore.

I have had two great loves in my life.  The first was when I was only 15 and he influenced my entire high school life and the first couple of years of college.  He gave me a purpose in life when i didn’t have one.  He helped give me strength when my parents were considering divorce.  He loved me through all of it.  He even loved me when I loved a woman.  Ultimately we separated because I wasn’t in a place to commit myself to him at 19.  I wanted to live more of my life first.  I never really stopped loving him but I did let him go completely.  When my first husband and I were going through our divorce we reconnected for a few years but it was never really the same as before.  I will always hold a place in his heart and he in mine.  I’m so honored because he’s going to attend my graduation.  I haven’t seen him in six years but he’s still going to be there at a very important life event for me.  The second happened very unexpectedly when I was going through my second divorce.  I met my ex and we quickly became friends.  The friendship became so much more and for the first time in my life I thought that I might actually get my happy ending.  He was everything that I had ever wanted for me and for my children.  I will  never know what really happened but one day he just walked away.  I have never really gotten over it and I’m not sure I ever will.

We all deserve to be happy but i don’t believe that we have unlimited chances for love.  I think at some point we have to face the fact that we have just let too many opportunities pass us by.  I would consider myself a lucky person in most respects but not when it comes to love and relationships.  I hope that one day I can share my life with someone again but if it doesn’t happen I have still been blessed in my life.

Stupid Move

Most of the people that are close to me know that I’m still in love with my ex.  Although I don’t usually talk about it on social media because we are still friends on Facebook.  I don’t follow him but we are still friends. I quit following him on Twitter and Instagram because it was just too hard to be reminded of him all the time. I am trying to create some space between the two of us because he is in no way shape or form ready to deal with me or us.  Sometimes I think he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me and then other times he surprises me by sitting next to me at a volleyball game.  I try not to read into anything he does because I know he is completely and totally unreliable when it comes to his feelings or actions toward me.  This afternoon I posted something on Facebook that I probably shouldn’t have.  There was this thing where you had to describe 26 things about yourself.  One of the responses requires you to put who you are in love with.  Normally I wouldn’t post anything about how I feel about him but today i just decided I didn’t care. I filled in the response with his name and ironically it tagged him in the post.  Of course the beauty of the whole thing is that I know he’s seen it but he doesn’t comment or even contact me.  I so hate how I feel about him.  I wish that I never would have given him my heart.  Everyone thinks I’m just some love sick idiot but they don’t realize that he has made everything so much more difficult for me.  I was ok without him and ok by myself and then he had to come back into my life.  He had to kiss me like there was no tomorrow and make love to me like he actually wanted to love me forever.  He gets to be the one that has to deal with me while in reality I wouldn’t even feel this way if it wasn’t for him.  I would love to out him except that would out me too.  Despite everything he’s put me through I still don’t want to hurt him.  I should hate him but I can’t.  I know that I will never be happy as long as I am hung up on him.  I can’t move on and I can’t fall in love with someone else.  I deserve to be happy but honestly right now I am far from happy.  I feel like I’m on a destructive path because I can’t feel anything real for anyone else.  Why can’t he just talk to me?  Why is it so hard for him to just be honest with me?  Is he ever going to figure out how I really feel about him?  Love isn’t supposed to hurt but right now that’s all I feel is pain. I have been tempted to send him a link to this blog but so far I haven’t. I think part of me wants him to see it  but the other part of me is afraid of what he might think. I have decided that I need to focus on getting through the holidays and then after the first of the year I will worry about the ex and how I feel. I need some time to process my feelings and to figure out how I want to proceed.  I may not have a chance to get back together with my ex but I do have a chance to spend some time with myself.

Adele has this great new song and it so made me think about the ex.  I would love to have this talk with him.  I would just love to feel close to him again.  I hate the way I feel right now.  I don’t think I have ever felt so alone.  Adele has an amazing voice that just opens up the flood gates in my heart.  I’m not sure I will ever love again but I really hope he will be happy one day.  As much as I want him to be happy with me, I just want to see him smile and know that the emotion is real and not just a mask.  Maybe then I can finally let go!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQHsXMglC9A