So after a week I talked to the ex last night and I’m even more confused than i was before. He says he’s not done but yet he still doesn’t know where that leaves us. I love him and I don’t want to give up on us but I have no idea what to do. It seems almost pointless to keep hanging on when he has no idea what he wants. I wish i could understand what it is about us that makes him so reluctant. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone!! I’m just growing extremely impatient with all the waiting. I feel like we should have some sort of an agreement about when and how we are going to spend time together. I don’t expect a full blown relationship but I definitely expect more than what he is currently giving me. I need to know that I matter to him and that I’m at least a priority in his life. It is definitely time for us to sit down and have a talk about what it is we both want and whether or not we can give it to each other. We need to figure out if there is anything between us worth fighting for.
I just finished my last grad school assignment. I can hardly believe that my coursework is done. I can finally get my life back!! I can be the mother my children deserve and start working on my health. I have gained so much weight the last few months. It is time to work on my diet and my exercise routine. I need to take some time for me. I deserve a massage. I did finally find a partner in crime for a haunted house this year. i can’t wait. We are going to do dinner, drinks, haunted house and then I’m going to help her make cookies for her cheerleaders.
I still haven’t talked to my ex but I’m ok. He knows where I am if he misses me and right now it is more important to worry about me. I haven’t even seen him since Monday but I know I will see him tomorrow because we are both performing in the pep rally. Oh well life is short and I’m not going to waste my time waiting on someone else to wake up and realize what he is letting walk out of his life. He lost me once and I thought that would teach him but apparently he is still oblivious.
I just turned in my second to last assignment for my last grad class. I’m not even sure how to feel at this moment. I have one more assignment that is due on Saturday but I plan to work on it tomorrow and maybe I’ll be able to turn it in tomorrow. I can’t believe I’m almost done. It feels like I have been working on this degree forever in one respect but in another it seems like I just started. I have no idea what I’m going to do with myself when I’m finally done.
I know that I plan to start working out again because I want to lose about fifteen pounds that I have gained over the last few months from stress. I’m actually looking forward to getting back into shape because i have been feeling terrible with my current diet. I plan to go back on the Paleo diet and start back up on T-25. Life will be interesting over the next few months.
I haven’t spoken to my ex in more than three days. I saw him briefly in the hall on Monday at school but other than that I have had no contact. It’s funny because I didn’t even realize it until this morning. I knew I hadn’t talked to him but I didn’t realize it had been three days. I have been so busy with school and work that I have barely had time to think about him. I was thinking about him this morning and an old song came to mind. I decided that I would include it here.
I haven’t heard this song in so long but it completely matched my thoughts and feelings about him as I drove to school this morning. I had to download it on my new phone because I needed to hear it. He is obviously completely oblivious to how I feel about anything which honestly shouldn’t surprise me but it did. I told him Saturday night that I get it. He doesn’t feel the same way about me that I feel about him. I told him that I should quit setting myself up for disappointment. I wish things were different. I wish he would just make us a priority in his life but that is never going to happen. I should realize that from our past but I wanted to believe that I could get back what we had in the beginning of our relationship over two years ago. You can never get the past back though. I would even settle for a new beginning but that;s not really in the cards either. I’m not completely closing myself off to him because I know that truth be told I can’t. I can’t change the way he makes me feel. I can’t change the fact that I’m still completely in love with him. The one thing I can change is how I choose to deal with all of it. It has been three days and I’m fine. I finish school in less than a week. I don’t have time for him right now anyway!!!!
I had someone accuse me awhile back of not being able to be alone. They expressed a doubt that I’m ok by myself. You know it is funny that they would tell me that because most of the time I feel alone even when I’m in a relationship. Most of my relationships are more of a distraction than anything. I think I’m starting to confront the idea that I’m supposed to be alone. I have been married twice and to be honest I’m not very good at being married. I don’t really like having to compromise and I don’t really like having someone around all the time. After awhile just about everybody gets on my nerves.
I am alone now in almost every aspect. I am not dating anyone and I’m not in a relationship with anyone. I’m ok though. I feel like he was projecting his own feelings of resentment in a way to make me feel guilty for the way I have lived my life. I will finish school on Saturday and then I will graduate in December. I will spend time with my family and friends over the next few months. I don’t need a relationship to be happy. I have my writing and my students. I also have my children. I am going to focus on me and what’s important to me. I’m done focusing on a man and what’s important to them over my own needs. It is time to stand on my own two feet.
Ok so I had to observe multiple colleagues in order to be able to finish the coaching report that I have due on Sunday. So today I took a personal day from work but I spent the whole day going from teacher to teacher in order to observe a lot of different colleagues. I visited English 2, AP Chemistry, Inclusion Algebra 1, Business, Marketing & Finance, Algebra 1, US History and a BIM 1 class. It was actually an amazing day. I found out that I work with some incredible teachers on my campus. I am actually looking forward to writing my coaching report now because of the observations I was able to make today.
On another note, my ex had a bad day today because he has been called in for a meeting on Monday that will require him to meet with three members of our district curriculum team. I’m not happy that he has to meet with them or that he’s so upset but I was relieved that he turned to me. He texted me right after it happen and then forwarded me the email. I felt like it was a step in the right direction that he would tell me so quickly when something was wrong. I want him to feel like he can turn to me when he needs me. I want to be there for him. I was a little surprised that he gave me the opportunity. I can’t wait until I can spend time with him again. I miss having his arms around me. I want to sleep next to him. Tomorrow is another day but at least it is Friday!!