The Confusion Never Ends

So after a week I talked to the ex last night and I’m even more confused than i was before. He says he’s not done but yet he still doesn’t know where that leaves us.  I love him and I don’t want to give up on us but I have no idea what to do.  It seems almost pointless to keep hanging on when he has no idea what he wants.  I wish i could understand what it is about us that makes him so reluctant.  I love him more than I have ever loved anyone!!  I’m just growing extremely impatient with all the waiting.  I feel like we should have some sort of an agreement about when and how we are going to spend time together. I don’t expect a full blown relationship but I definitely expect more than what he is currently giving me. I need to know that I matter to him and that I’m at least a priority in his life. It is definitely time for us to sit down and have a talk about what it is we both want and whether or not we can give it to each other.  We need to figure out if there is anything between us worth fighting for.

Advertisements

My Sense of Accomplishment

I just finished my last grad school assignment.  I can hardly believe that my coursework is done.  I can finally get my life back!!  I can be the mother my children deserve and start working on my health.  I have gained so much weight the last few months.  It is time to work on my diet and my exercise routine.  I need to take some time for me.  I deserve a massage. I did finally find a partner in crime for a haunted house this year.  i can’t wait.  We are going to do dinner, drinks, haunted house and then I’m going to help her make cookies for her cheerleaders.

I still haven’t talked to my ex but I’m ok.  He knows where I am if he misses me and right now it is more important to worry about me.  I haven’t even seen him since Monday but I know I will see him tomorrow because we are both performing in the pep rally.  Oh well life is short and I’m not going to waste my time waiting on someone else to wake up and realize what he is letting walk out of his life.  He lost me once and I thought that would teach him but apparently he is still oblivious.

Almost Done

I just turned in my second to last assignment for my last grad class.  I’m not even sure how to feel at this moment.  I have one more assignment that is due on Saturday but I plan to work on it tomorrow and maybe I’ll be able to turn it in tomorrow.  I can’t believe I’m almost done.  It feels like I have been working on this degree forever in one respect but in another it seems like I just started. I have no idea what I’m going to do with myself when I’m finally done.

I know that I plan to start working out again because I want to lose about fifteen pounds that I have gained over the last few months from stress.  I’m actually looking forward to getting back into shape because i have been feeling terrible with my current diet.  I plan to go back on the Paleo diet and start back up on T-25.  Life will be interesting over the next few months.

Alone Time

I haven’t spoken to my ex in more than three days.  I saw him briefly in the hall on Monday at school but other than that I have had no contact.  It’s funny because I didn’t even realize it until this morning.  I knew I hadn’t talked to him but I didn’t realize it had been three days.  I have been so busy with school and work that I have barely had time to think about him.  I was thinking about him this morning and an old song came to mind.  I decided that I would include it here.

I haven’t heard this song in so long but it completely matched my thoughts and feelings about him as I drove to school this morning.  I had to download it on my new phone because I needed to hear it.  He is obviously completely oblivious to how I feel about anything which honestly shouldn’t surprise me but it did.  I told him Saturday night that I get it.  He doesn’t feel the same way about me that I feel about him.  I told him that I should quit setting myself up for disappointment.  I wish things were different.  I wish he would just make us a priority in his life but that is never going to happen.  I should realize that from our past but I wanted to believe that I could get back what we had in the beginning of our relationship over two years ago.  You can never get the past back though.  I would even settle for a new beginning but that;s not really in the cards either.  I’m not completely closing myself off to him because I know that truth be told I can’t.  I can’t change the way he makes me feel.  I can’t change the fact that I’m still completely in love with him.  The one thing I can change is how I choose to deal with all of it.  It has been three days and I’m fine.  I finish school in less than a week.  I don’t have time for him right now anyway!!!!

Being Alone

I had someone accuse me awhile back of not being able to be alone.  They expressed a doubt that I’m ok by myself.  You know it is funny that they would tell me that because most of the time I feel alone even when I’m in a relationship.  Most of my relationships are more of a distraction than anything.  I think I’m starting to confront the idea that I’m supposed to be alone.  I have been married twice and to be honest I’m not very good at being married.  I don’t really like having to compromise and I don’t really like having someone around all the time.  After awhile just about everybody gets on my nerves.

I am alone now in almost every aspect.  I am not dating anyone and I’m not in a relationship with anyone.  I’m ok though.  I feel like he was projecting his own feelings of resentment in a way to make me feel guilty for the way I have lived my life.  I will finish school on Saturday and then I will graduate in December.  I will spend time with my family and friends over the next few months.  I don’t need a relationship to be happy.  I have my writing and my students.  I also have my children.  I am going to focus on me and what’s important to me.  I’m done focusing on a man and what’s important to them over my own needs.  It is time to stand on my own two feet.

Observation Overload

Ok so I had to observe multiple colleagues in order to be able to finish the coaching report that I have due on Sunday.  So today I took a personal day from work but I spent the whole day going from teacher to teacher in order to observe a lot of different colleagues.  I visited English 2, AP Chemistry, Inclusion Algebra 1, Business, Marketing & Finance, Algebra 1, US History and a BIM 1 class.  It was actually an amazing day.  I found out that I work with some incredible teachers on my campus. I am actually looking forward to writing my coaching report now because of the observations I was able to make today.

On another note, my ex had a bad day today because he has been called in for a meeting on Monday that will require him to meet with three members of our district curriculum team.  I’m not happy that he has to meet with them or that he’s so upset but I was relieved that he turned to me.  He texted me right after it happen and then forwarded me the email.  I felt like it was a step in the right direction that he would tell me so quickly when something was wrong.  I want him to feel like he can turn to me when he needs me.  I want to be there for him.  I was a little surprised that he gave me the opportunity.  I can’t wait until I can spend time with him again.  I  miss having his arms around me.  I want to sleep next to him.  Tomorrow is another day but at least it is Friday!!

Countdown

I am literally ten days away from finishing my master’s degree.  I can’t hardly believe that I’m almost done.  I got an email from UTA about graduation today and now it feels really official.  It is time to RSVP for my graduation tickets and order my cap and gown.  I already ordered my class ring and it should be here in a couple of months.  It so hard to believe that this time two years ago I had just applied to grad school and I was waiting to find out whether or not I was accepted.  My mom told me today that she would love it if I went ahead and got my PhD.  I’m not sure I’m up for that but it is something I may consider at some point.  My life is so different today than it was a year ago.  I am sad that I’m taking the last part of this journey without my dad but at the same time I know I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him.

On another note, I am now only three days away from my date with the ex. Well I’m calling it a date.  I asked him to go to a Halloween party with me.  He said that he would as long as he didn’t have Rangers tickets.  Well the Rangers lost tonight so I guess he’s stuck with me Saturday night.  It’s weird because we haven’t been around anyone else since we’ve been talking again so I’m really nervous about him going to the party with me.  I know it is a little silly because we spent last Saturday night together and it was amazing.  I don’t want to rush anything with him and I don’t want to make him nervous.  I just want to have a lot of fun with him at the party and then fall asleep in his arms Saturday night.  I may not get all of that but I can’t help wanting it.  Love is strange sometimes.

Affairs of the Heart

My ex spent last night with me.  We had planned on him being here but after he had a migraine all day I expected him to disappoint me.  We were texting and I happened to mention to him that I wished I could sleep in his arms.  He responded by telling me maybe and I didn’t think much about it.  A few minutes later he told me that he had already left his house.  I was completely shocked and surprised at the same time.  He got here and he climbed in my bed and put his arms around me and held me really tight.  It is so amazing how safe and loved I feel in his arms.  He spent all night with me and then left early this morning to get ready for church. I wasn’t sure what to expect from church today after last night but I was pleasantly surprised.  After Sunday school I saw him in the hallway so I chatted with him for a couple of minutes and then I continued down stairs.  I sat in my usual place in church and was surprised when he came over there and sat down next to me.  This is the first time he’s done anything public in reference to us.  I’m not sure that anything has really changed between us but it was great to sit next to him in church again.

Small Favors

I found out today that I’m the only one, at least in the sense that really matters.  He still has no idea what he wants from us which drives me a little batty but patience is a beautiful thing and it is about time I learned some.

How do you wait for someone you love?  There is no guarantee that things between us will ever be the way I want them to be but at the same time if i don’t give him time than there is zero chance of that.  I told him last night that I want to be in his arms and he said that he wants me to be there too.  Does it mean something different for him than it does for me?  I smile just thinking about him and forget when I talk about him.  He makes my world a better place even when he’s not with me.  He’s such a good man.  I just wish he could figure out what he wants from me.  He knows that the only way we are going to know how we feel is by trying but for some reason he still hesitates.  I wish I could convince him that it would be good for us to try.  I’m trying really hard to just let him get there on his own because I know he doesn’t like to be pushed.  He worried before that I was too pushy and demanding with him.  I would be happy right now if I just felt like I was a priority in his life.  i love him and I just want him to show me that he still loves me.

Missing Him

Today I realized how much I miss him.  I miss kissing him and I miss spending time with him.  I think he misses me too based on what he said but who knows for sure.  I want to go on a real date with him but at the same time the idea makes me really nervous.  The last time we were alone together we let things get a bit out of control.  I like being out of control with him but i know that in our situation I am better off not letting us go there. I want something real with him but I still don’t know how he feels.  I want to be able to be in his arms knowing that he’s mine and we are trying to build something together.  We have a potential date planned but I’m a bit nervous about it.  This time last week I was trying to get him to come home with me and I know that would probably have been a bad idea.  I just wish i knew how he really feels about me.