The Past

It is funny that no matter where we go in life or how far we travel away from our beginning, but the past can always seem to find us.  I have been completely surrounded by my past lately.

Last night I watched the video from my father’s funeral over and over.  I finally turned it off after I had seen it like four times all the way through.  It is really sad sometimes because the closer i get to graduation the harder it is to deal with my dad being gone.  I have so many memories of him but I wish i could have just one more.  I know he is in a much better place where he’s no longer in pain and suffering but I still wish he was here.

Next I have been reunited with my first love.  We haven’t seen each other or anything like that but we have been exchanging emails the last couple of days and that has been really nice.  He has always been an amazing source of strength for me in various times of my life so it is ironic that I would be able to reconnect with him now.

Then there is the ex factor that I just can’t seem to get away from.  I have had very limited contact with him the last couple of days but that doesn’t change the fact that I think about him all the time.  It is crazy that in three weeks time he could take me back to all those feelings and emotions that I have been trying to bury for a year and a half.  I wish I could understand how he’s feeling and what he’s thinking.  He’s making me crazy because I’m angry with him but I still want him.  I think he lied to me but I can’t help missing him.  Why is it we always seem to hold a special place in our hearts fro the ones we shouldn’t want or need.  Two weeks ago he told me he wasn’t going anywhere but now where is he?  Friday night he held me in his arms and told me he loved me, but today I haven’t even talked to him.  I don’t even know if we are friends or not.  I would have been better off if he would never had texted me that first night.  I was just fine before he came back into my life!!!

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