Okay so last night I got very little homework done which was terrible of me. I was completely unmotivated. I need to learn that once I get home my phone needs to be turned off and put in a drawer, at least until i can get all my stuff done. I just find my phone and my TV so distracting once I get home. I have four weeks left of graduate school and then I’m done. I’m so overwhelmed with everything right now. I got my grades back this morning and I did really bad on my assignment that had to be turned in on Sunday. Of course Sunday I had an incredibly hard time focusing and I had an argument with two people who mean a lot to me. I have to make sure that tonight when I get home that I focus only on homework. No TV and no phone. My kids will be with their dad between 6pm and 8pm and I need to use those two hours wisely. I can’t let all my school stuff fall apart in the last few weeks. I think I’m going to have to start making lists so that I remember to get everything accomplished. Now since I did poorly on the assignment I have to redo it and send it to my graduate coach. I plan to do that tonight so that I will have a better idea what she’s looking for on the assignment. i know that I have to just let myself off the hook at least a little bit since it has been so crazy but I have no idea what possessed me to get involved with my ex again right before my last class. Now I have thoughts of him swirling around in my brain and I have no time to deal with them. I’m always telling my students to focus and right now I need to remind myself of that fact. I know that I can survive the end of grad school but I’m just so ready for it to be over!!!!!!
I have come to realize that it is finally time to let go of the past and move forward. I will probably love my ex forever but I don’t think we will ever be able to share that love together. We both have unresolved feelings but we both still harbor a lot of hurt and misunderstanding. He’s angry because he thinks he can’t trust me and I haven’t trusted him since we started talking again. It is hard to feel like I’ve walked away from a great love in my life twice but sometimes reality doesn’t match what the heart wants. He sees me in a way that will forever taint his image of me and that makes me very sad. He said some pretty cruel things the other night but I know that a lot of that was out of anger and I don’t plan to hold any of it against him. I have so many things to be proud of in my life so I refuse to let my choices in relationships be my downfall. i give people too many chances and I tend to be too forgiving. I love too deeply and I end up hurting myself. It is time to heal once and for all. I want him to be happy but I don’t necessarily want to watch his happiness unfold. I would like to be happy too but I don’t think it’s in the cards for me right now. I need to just be me. i don’t need a man to be ok and I refuse to be with just anyone not to be alone. I’m not afraid to be alone regardless of what he thinks. I’m going to listen to my dear friend that told me that I need to just step back from everything for awhile. I have holidays and my birthday coming up as well as my graduation for my master’s. It would be great to share those things with another person but I’m probably better off spending them alone. I need self-reflection right now and I can’t do that if my focus is on someone else. It is time to put my focus back on me!!!!
True joy is one of those things that comes around at various times and opportunities. I have realized that I finally have true joy in my life. I have been holding on to the past for so long that I didn’t realize what it was doing to me. The last few weeks since I’ve been talking to my ex again, I have started letting go of him and forgiving him for the past. i still love him and I would love to try again with him but i think I finally realize that if we don’t get back together I will be ok. My children are in a good place and so am i. Joy comes from within and from GOD. I know that my life would never be perfect in GOD’s eyes but I am doing the best I can to be the best version of myself.
So today i broke down and texted him. At first it seemed strange but in the end we were able to get through some things that we had previously avoided. I’m still not sure where we are but i actually feel better. He told me that he’s getting closer to wanting to try things again. I told him that I would be busy over the next four weeks so that maybe that would give him some time to figure out what he wants. He said maybe. We agreed to talk while he was figuring it out but we left things open in terms of whether or not we would spend time together. We will be together next Friday because we are both chaperoning the band to an away football game.
I’m trying really hard to focus on my school work tonight but I have to say that I’m not having much luck. i have to write this coaching report about my school’s literacy and it doesn’t look even remotely interesting. i know that I have to eventually do it but right now I’m really struggling.
I’m supposed to go to Six Flags tomorrow with the kids and my best friend. i know that I should really stay home and study but that would probably be a waste too. I have to spend time with my kids too. i can’t just work on school work.
It is funny that no matter where we go in life or how far we travel away from our beginning, but the past can always seem to find us. I have been completely surrounded by my past lately.
Last night I watched the video from my father’s funeral over and over. I finally turned it off after I had seen it like four times all the way through. It is really sad sometimes because the closer i get to graduation the harder it is to deal with my dad being gone. I have so many memories of him but I wish i could have just one more. I know he is in a much better place where he’s no longer in pain and suffering but I still wish he was here.
Next I have been reunited with my first love. We haven’t seen each other or anything like that but we have been exchanging emails the last couple of days and that has been really nice. He has always been an amazing source of strength for me in various times of my life so it is ironic that I would be able to reconnect with him now.
Then there is the ex factor that I just can’t seem to get away from. I have had very limited contact with him the last couple of days but that doesn’t change the fact that I think about him all the time. It is crazy that in three weeks time he could take me back to all those feelings and emotions that I have been trying to bury for a year and a half. I wish I could understand how he’s feeling and what he’s thinking. He’s making me crazy because I’m angry with him but I still want him. I think he lied to me but I can’t help missing him. Why is it we always seem to hold a special place in our hearts fro the ones we shouldn’t want or need. Two weeks ago he told me he wasn’t going anywhere but now where is he? Friday night he held me in his arms and told me he loved me, but today I haven’t even talked to him. I don’t even know if we are friends or not. I would have been better off if he would never had texted me that first night. I was just fine before he came back into my life!!!
Well I have reached day 2 and i proud of my small victory. i haven’t texted, called, messaged, or commented on any of my ex’s various social media and communication opportunities. It is silly in a way that I have to make a conscience effort not to contact him after we have only been in regular contact for three weeks. It is ridiculous that he can turn me into a complete mess in such a short time when I wasn’t even thinking about him before he texted me. I’m trying really hard to get my life on track and I feel like he is trying to derail me. I have no idea what his thoughts or motivations were behind initiating contact with me again. Sometimes I feel like he’s playing games and other times I think he really cares. I don’t know what to expect from him from day to day. I know I love him and I would be lying if i tried to say I didn’t but at the same time I’m not sure how to feel about his actions in the last couple of weeks.
School has to be my main focus right now. I have four and a half more weeks and then I will graduate with my master’s. It seems like I just started this program yesterday but I know that’s not the case. It has been a long almost two years of sacrifice and I can’t say that I will be sorry to see it end. My children deserve my full attention and I know they are ready to have that back.
On another note I wrote an email to my first love last night because I realized that I had never shared the news with him that my dad passed away. I was overcome with emotion because he responded very quickly and his words were so incredibly kind. I forgot what a comfort he can be when I’m hurting or going through something. It is funny how great it was to reconnect with him after so long.
Life is funny because people can be such a big part of your life at one point and then not even exist in another. I wish it didn’t always work out like that but I’m thankful for the many special relationships that I’ve had over the years. I hope I’ve given back all that I’ve received from the many special people that have been a part of my life.