So my ex and I have spent time together on a regular basis for several months but lately he always wants me to come to his house. Until recently he wouldn’t even let me come to his house because he’s trying to remodel it. Now he tells me that it’s more comfortable for me to come to his house. I enjoy spending time with him so I have been making the trek to Hillsboro but I really wish he would come to me. We don’t have anything to do in Hillsboro so it’s not as much fun to go there to see him. I haven’t seen him since last Thursday which isn’t so long but I really want to see him this weekend. I know it’s hard for him because he just recently became a single dad to a teenage son. I have been a single mom for a very long time but I know how hard it can be if you’re not used to it. Oh well I guess Friday night I will drive to Hillsboro again so that I can spend time with him even though I wish things were different.
So today I finally reached out and I responded to my ex. I was very noncommittal at first but I ultimately agreed to see him again. He responded almost immediately with an invitation to go out Friday night. We talked back and forth before we agreed to go out but I realized that I am naked when it comes to him. I have allowed myself to be completely vulnerable with him. The new James Arthur song makes me think a little about my situation with him every time I hear it.
He also told me today that there is hope for us for the future. I’m not sure if that’s ever going to happen but I know that I would love for that to be true. For now I guess I will leave my feelings naked and open to the man I love and hope for the best.
So after the fight last week I honestly didn’t expect to hear from my ex. Usually when we get in a fight I have to text him to end our radio silence. He actually shocked me when he not only texted me around lunch but he also apologized. I’m still angry about what happened especially after I read his message and realized that he got the wrong idea about what I was saying last week anyway. I wanted to know about what he wanted for the future. I wasn’t asking him for a relationship and I was accusing him of using me but that is what he got out of our conversation. Sometimes I really hate texting with people. I haven’t responded to his message yet because I’m really not sure what to say. I want to forgive him because the whole thing was obviously a misunderstanding but I’m just not ready to let go of my anger.
How am I going to tell him that I have a date Wednesday or that I am talking to like three other guys? I guess the part that drives me the craziest is that I want to be able to run right back to him and forget about everyone else. These guys I’m talking to are nice but they aren’t him. Why do I have to want him so badly? Why can’t I just walk away? Will I ever be free? Why do I love him so much?
I have been on a dating site off and on since November when the ex and I were barely talking anymore. I have talked to several people but I’ve only actually gone on three dates from the site. Two of them were in November right after I joined and the other was in March. I have paused the site membership at different times when I was spending a lot of time with my ex. The only thing wasn’t really that important to me. After the misunderstanding with the ex I started to realize that maybe it was time to open myself up to new people again so I unpaused my account. I feel like I have released the flood gates because now I seem to have all these guys interested in taking me out. Then this morning I looked at the site and I noticed that my ex has created a membership and even viewed my profile. Maybe I am being ridiculous but the whole thing really pissed me off. He knew I was on this site because I told him but we haven’t talked in almost a week and now he decides he needs to see my profile. I honestly feel a bit invaded by the whole thing. He could have picked any dating site he wanted but for whatever reason he chose the one I was on. Seeing his picture staring back at me from the app this morning sealed things for me. I know now that things are over between us. I was always hoping that things would turn out differently but I now I realize that’s not going to happen. Whether or not it makes sense, he has hurt me probably more than he will ever know. I knew that he didn’t want to be with me but that doesn’t mean I needed to be confronted with his decision to move on. I probably have a date on Wednesday and next weekend too so I plan to just focus on that and leave the past in the last. All the love I have for him is turning into hate and resentment. I would have given him everything but instead he just threw me away.
One of my students told me today that I need to hurry up and meet someone so that I don’t end up alone. I found it so strange because I am only 43 and I feel like I have a lot of life ahead of me. I definitely want to meet someone but it is not my only focus in life. I still have two teenagers that I need to finish raising and I have things I still want to do in my life. I don’t just want to get into a relationship where I am completely tied down. I want to experience life and travel. I would even like to take a job in another country teaching. I think it would be great to just live somewhere else for awhile. I meet people fairly easily but I have noticed that the older I get the pickier I have become about the people that I will get involved with. I am very much my own person and I think that’s okay. I refuse to apologize for the person that I have become. I am secure in my own skin and I think that is what really matters.
Have you ever been involved in a conversation that somehow went the wrong direction? What seemed so innocent turns into a conflict that you didn’t see coming? I was in the middle of an innocent conversation two days ago with the man I love when out of no where we were fighting. Now I am wondering whether or not I will ever hear from him again. We haven’t talked in two days. The last message I received from him involved him telling me that I should quit texting him because I was annoying him. Now I honestly don’t know what to think about anything. I refuse to contact him again because I think he overreacted to the situation. We were having the conversation through text messages which always leaves room for misunderstanding. I hate having important conversations through text. I hope we find a way to work things out but I’m honestly not very hopeful at this point.
I love him but we are in different places and we apparently want different things right now. I am honestly not sure if we will ever be able to come together again. He seems bound and determined not to be in a relationship anytime in the near future. I feel very differently because I don’t want to live my life alone. My daughter will graduate from high school in a year and my son only has three years left. I will literally have an empty nest in just a few short years. I want to be involved with someone that I can share my life with. I am tired of being alone.